* staring at tv, blinking, mouth open, aghast*
That was the shortest Oscar telecast I think I've ever seen! It's 8:45 and it's OVER? I've only been sitting here for 3 hours and 45 minutes! I'm shocked, I tell you, shocked!!! Usually my Oscar nights start about 4pm and end with me and Lynnie sitting on the sofa-- actually, limply lying askance on the sofa, eyes half-open-- saying, "How long have we been watching this? When's the last time we ate? Will the sun rise again tomorrow and the fate of the Best Picture award still be unknown???"
I can't imagine what it's like for actual Academy attendees, who have to start arriving around 3pm for a 5pm show, after leaving their homes roughly an hour before to ensure their traffic navigation. All of that in a gown and makeup and you know THAT proccess started at like, what, NOON? Yeah, to leave at 2pm or so, and get all tv-worthy, it takes about two hours. So the last time THEY ate was brunch. Stuff a Sinckers into that Judith Leiber bag, ladies, because unless you have deli sandwiches stuffed into your limo ( maybe they do, I don't know. There's a good marketing plan for someone's potential business...), you're going to be smiling for the cameras while your stomach growls. At least the men only have to get into tuxes.
Although, it might not be all that important. Food, I mean. It doesn't seem to be a big trend right now in Hollywood by looking at everyone swanning down the red carpet tonight. Kit and I were constantly bemoaning everyone's emaciated appearance. When you look at it on tv, it looks, well...a little questionable, but when you think about the camera adding 10lbs.....ack!! ( Which is not a myth, BTW> it's less noticable for some lucky bitches, but the reasons why are elusive. I, for example, inflate like a blowfish when a camera is on me. My skin and eyes look fabulous, and luckily, the camera likes to watch me act, but I look like I've been on cortisone for months. Kit looks fine, she says, ( I would concur, I've seen her shots; she looks like a model) except her face ends up being the shape of a chipmunk's ( I don't think so, but I can see how she would think so, and that's what matters). God, this business makes you focus on the most vapid, vain minutae; it's insane. The other day I'm looking at my skin and I notice these wrinkles on my forehead and start freaking out. Gotta get Restalyne. Should I Botox?? Gotta see a surgeon. By the time Kit arrives my career is over, and I might as well move home. Kit looks me over and says, "What are you TALKING about? Get a GRIP, Jessica!" But it's like that: you totally lose perspective, and then you end up looking like Dolly Parton or something. AM I digressing parenthetically? Why, I believe I am....) Everyone looked like they needed a nap and a good Italian vacation. All these beautiful girls with lovely curves like Jessica Alba and Lindsey Lohan, dieted down to stickville. They look AWFUL, has no one pointed that out? They look like f-ing cancer patients. Then Felicity Huffman gets out of the car, and she's already a tiny lady, and she's wearing this dress that is cut to her navel and shows off...her protruding breastbone. No soft curving breasts, just her where her ribs meet in the middle. I SO don't get it....
And it's not just because I'm feeling fat or too "curvy" lately ( although anxiously I admit I have some work to do). Kit, who is a total of 125 soaking wet was sitting there right next to me, going, "Jess, what am I going to do? If I get any smaller, my bones are will start to stick out. That's gross. I'm not caving! I won't!" In some ways, it's easier for me. I can lose 20 lbs ( which would still make me "plus-sized" by Hollywood standards), but I can get great character roles. Kit is trapped in the ingenue shuffle, the most competitive bracket an actress can be in. It's the Jennifer Aniston/ Rachel McAdams / Insert Name Here spot, where you're The Girl Who Everyone Wants To Be Like. Part of me is sad and angry I don't qualify for that anymore; my inner kid is screaming, "I want to be the prettiest girl at the party! Me! Me! Me!", and the grown-up is going, "Honey, don't sweat it. You're still hot. And if you start off your career banking on youth and beauty, it only goes downhill as you try to live up to yourself." I look at Nicole Kidman ( who actually looked NORMAL tonight, with a forehead that moved and a good bit of extra meat on her, and a yeah-I'm-getting-laid smile on her face. Note to self, though: Keith looks odd in a tux. Ergh.) and she's allegedly The Most Beautiful Woman In Hollywood. But for the last 5 years or so it's been one crappy fluffy movie after another where they have her in these "pretty" roles that require her to shoot biotoxins into her face and be thinner than a cracker in profile, just to hold up that image. What pressure, what odd results ( which are so far from Truly Beautiful it might as well be on a seperate continent, in my opinion) , what ridiculousness.
But I'm could go and on about this, and as you know I usually do....
By and large, though, I thought this year's Oscars were one of the best I'd ever seen. Jon Stewart was perfect ( they should have him back, definitely), it was a tightly run ship with no boring stalls or weird attempts to do something different ( like last year's lets-present-from-the-aisle! shots). And as we all commented, every single person nominated was so deserving, it was hard to choose who or what to root for. No matter who won, we all clapped. I was a tad disappointed that "Walk The Line" didn't win more, or that the actors from "Brokeback Mountain" won nothing. At the same time, who could begrudge Phillip Seymour Hoffman ANYTHING? He's so good -- in everything I've ever seen him in-- he could read the fucking phone book on film and I would say, "hey, that guy deserves an Oscar!" And who could say George Clooney didn't give the best speech of the night, so gracious and funny; deserving because he really believes in his job and tried ( with both "Syriana" and "Good Night and Good Luck") to use it artfully? It's tough. I haven't seen "Crash" but I hope it was worthy enough to beat out its contenders. Somehow, I suspect it probably was. That's how tight the race was this year, and that's why it was so much fun to watch.
...and that's Jessica's Oscar Report , for 2006. I'll leave the rest ot the exegesis to the experts, like "Access Hollywood"and "Extra" and "People". Back to you, Pat...
That was the shortest Oscar telecast I think I've ever seen! It's 8:45 and it's OVER? I've only been sitting here for 3 hours and 45 minutes! I'm shocked, I tell you, shocked!!! Usually my Oscar nights start about 4pm and end with me and Lynnie sitting on the sofa-- actually, limply lying askance on the sofa, eyes half-open-- saying, "How long have we been watching this? When's the last time we ate? Will the sun rise again tomorrow and the fate of the Best Picture award still be unknown???"
I can't imagine what it's like for actual Academy attendees, who have to start arriving around 3pm for a 5pm show, after leaving their homes roughly an hour before to ensure their traffic navigation. All of that in a gown and makeup and you know THAT proccess started at like, what, NOON? Yeah, to leave at 2pm or so, and get all tv-worthy, it takes about two hours. So the last time THEY ate was brunch. Stuff a Sinckers into that Judith Leiber bag, ladies, because unless you have deli sandwiches stuffed into your limo ( maybe they do, I don't know. There's a good marketing plan for someone's potential business...), you're going to be smiling for the cameras while your stomach growls. At least the men only have to get into tuxes.
Although, it might not be all that important. Food, I mean. It doesn't seem to be a big trend right now in Hollywood by looking at everyone swanning down the red carpet tonight. Kit and I were constantly bemoaning everyone's emaciated appearance. When you look at it on tv, it looks, well...a little questionable, but when you think about the camera adding 10lbs.....ack!! ( Which is not a myth, BTW> it's less noticable for some lucky bitches, but the reasons why are elusive. I, for example, inflate like a blowfish when a camera is on me. My skin and eyes look fabulous, and luckily, the camera likes to watch me act, but I look like I've been on cortisone for months. Kit looks fine, she says, ( I would concur, I've seen her shots; she looks like a model) except her face ends up being the shape of a chipmunk's ( I don't think so, but I can see how she would think so, and that's what matters). God, this business makes you focus on the most vapid, vain minutae; it's insane. The other day I'm looking at my skin and I notice these wrinkles on my forehead and start freaking out. Gotta get Restalyne. Should I Botox?? Gotta see a surgeon. By the time Kit arrives my career is over, and I might as well move home. Kit looks me over and says, "What are you TALKING about? Get a GRIP, Jessica!" But it's like that: you totally lose perspective, and then you end up looking like Dolly Parton or something. AM I digressing parenthetically? Why, I believe I am....) Everyone looked like they needed a nap and a good Italian vacation. All these beautiful girls with lovely curves like Jessica Alba and Lindsey Lohan, dieted down to stickville. They look AWFUL, has no one pointed that out? They look like f-ing cancer patients. Then Felicity Huffman gets out of the car, and she's already a tiny lady, and she's wearing this dress that is cut to her navel and shows off...her protruding breastbone. No soft curving breasts, just her where her ribs meet in the middle. I SO don't get it....
And it's not just because I'm feeling fat or too "curvy" lately ( although anxiously I admit I have some work to do). Kit, who is a total of 125 soaking wet was sitting there right next to me, going, "Jess, what am I going to do? If I get any smaller, my bones are will start to stick out. That's gross. I'm not caving! I won't!" In some ways, it's easier for me. I can lose 20 lbs ( which would still make me "plus-sized" by Hollywood standards), but I can get great character roles. Kit is trapped in the ingenue shuffle, the most competitive bracket an actress can be in. It's the Jennifer Aniston/ Rachel McAdams / Insert Name Here spot, where you're The Girl Who Everyone Wants To Be Like. Part of me is sad and angry I don't qualify for that anymore; my inner kid is screaming, "I want to be the prettiest girl at the party! Me! Me! Me!", and the grown-up is going, "Honey, don't sweat it. You're still hot. And if you start off your career banking on youth and beauty, it only goes downhill as you try to live up to yourself." I look at Nicole Kidman ( who actually looked NORMAL tonight, with a forehead that moved and a good bit of extra meat on her, and a yeah-I'm-getting-laid smile on her face. Note to self, though: Keith looks odd in a tux. Ergh.) and she's allegedly The Most Beautiful Woman In Hollywood. But for the last 5 years or so it's been one crappy fluffy movie after another where they have her in these "pretty" roles that require her to shoot biotoxins into her face and be thinner than a cracker in profile, just to hold up that image. What pressure, what odd results ( which are so far from Truly Beautiful it might as well be on a seperate continent, in my opinion) , what ridiculousness.
But I'm could go and on about this, and as you know I usually do....
By and large, though, I thought this year's Oscars were one of the best I'd ever seen. Jon Stewart was perfect ( they should have him back, definitely), it was a tightly run ship with no boring stalls or weird attempts to do something different ( like last year's lets-present-from-the-aisle! shots). And as we all commented, every single person nominated was so deserving, it was hard to choose who or what to root for. No matter who won, we all clapped. I was a tad disappointed that "Walk The Line" didn't win more, or that the actors from "Brokeback Mountain" won nothing. At the same time, who could begrudge Phillip Seymour Hoffman ANYTHING? He's so good -- in everything I've ever seen him in-- he could read the fucking phone book on film and I would say, "hey, that guy deserves an Oscar!" And who could say George Clooney didn't give the best speech of the night, so gracious and funny; deserving because he really believes in his job and tried ( with both "Syriana" and "Good Night and Good Luck") to use it artfully? It's tough. I haven't seen "Crash" but I hope it was worthy enough to beat out its contenders. Somehow, I suspect it probably was. That's how tight the race was this year, and that's why it was so much fun to watch.
...and that's Jessica's Oscar Report , for 2006. I'll leave the rest ot the exegesis to the experts, like "Access Hollywood"and "Extra" and "People". Back to you, Pat...
posted by Jessica @ 1:32 AM
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