Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Or would a scream be better fitting? My response to today has been "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Why?

TODAY, I get an email from Anthony saying that he found earrings of mine ( true- I'd been looking for them, and wondering) and that he'd drop them off when I wasn't home if I didn't want to see him ( if you'll recall, I'd already told him I couldn't see him the rest of his leave- 10 more days- because it was too hard.). . THEN he says this: "I love you, Jessica. I really and truly do. It's taken me this long to actually realize it, and I don't know what to do about this love, now, I guess....but I just wanted it said. You've been on my mind."

I about hit the f-ing celing. I was like NOW? NOW you say it? When I TOLD you I was falling in love with you, you said it's too soon/you don't know me/ how can that be true? And then proceeded to pick a fight with me and eviscerate me verbally to the point where I'd break it off? I mean, what am I supposed to DO with that information?

Refuse to be left holding the emotional bag, that's what. I wrote him back, told him that he'd laid out quite a dillemma. On one hand, I would have told him to just drop the earrings in my mailbox when I wasn't home, and that would be that. On the other hand, he'd just finally declared his love, so it was pretty tough to be decisive. I said I loved him, too. But I closed by saying, " I love you, you love me, now what? I dont know. Do you?"and told him to drop the stuff off at a particular time I would not be home. I wished him good surfing in Venice ( since that's what he's been doing lately) and said, " I miss you", signed my name, and that was it.

I'm so pissed. I'm so upset. I know he's not CONSCIOUSLY manipulating me; I know it's because he's so messed up with himself and the Ex baggage and the job that he doesn't know what's up with his own feelings anymore. I believe the feelings are real; he's a sensitive, tender , gracious man when he's not scared out of his mind or mad. But I REFUSE to be the one who backpedals and says, "oh, baby, don't go", only to have him back up in reverse. I'm not gonna chase him down. If he REALLY wants me, then he can come out and say it, or DO SOMETHING REAL. Untill then, I'm going to have to play it like the book title says, He's Just Not That Into You. ( I think he is, but the premise of the book is that regardless, you deserve more and better than this sort of crap... so go get a guy who can appreciate you, and/or move on).

I'm just a wreck, though. I don't know how I'm gonna play it so cool. If he doesn't come around and Do The Right Thing ( which is WHAT exactly? Offer to stay here for a bit? Go into therapy in Global Hotspot? Apologize profusely for being such a total insulting dick and let me berate him for a good hour or two and hold it against him for a few months til he comes back in December and we pick up where we left off??? ) , I suspect highly he'll just chalk it up to his bad luck, some sort of Rebel Without A Cause thing, oh-I-was-doomed-to-be-alone. That will be hard, but I don't know how to make things work. And why is it on me?

Damn him for being so fucking stupid. Why doesnt he just GET it?
It's likely I won't even get to find out. And I sure as hell resent the shit out of being told how great I am and how much he loves me RIGHT as we split up and RIGHT as he's leaving the country. That's just GREAT. Thank you so much.

Enough. Enough. I have too many other things to do right now. I DID get a job and I start on Friday. It's at a little upscale boutique across from a coffee shop I love ( and he frequents when he's in town, ironically), decent pay. I got a second job organizing things for a friend of Jeannie's boss, a few times a month. I meet whomever the Counseling Center assigns me on Wednsday (just in the nick of time, I'd say....). And Griff is taking another turn for the worse right now, so I have to watch his progress. I don't need the rest of it, you know?

Man, some of this has just GOT to get easier. Count your blessings, Jess, count your blessings.....and keep moving forward. Don't get stuck in the mire. Just remember what's good, lean on who's there, and do what you know is right, and let go of the rest.
Amen to that.