Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Mmpfpmff. Tired. Long assed day. Long, rotten week. One of those weeks you put alot into and get little out of, and hope it pays off in the end. Went on job interview. Then drove across to the other end of the known universe to do my therapy intake. Then went to group. Then to the store. Came home after 5 hours in and out of the car and fed cats, who had been patiently waiting.

All this after having a totally rotten night with Anthony yesterday. He went to visit his mom in Ohio, and he got back last night. Called me to meet up for dinner. He was exhausted, but glad to see me, and I was glad to see him. We were talking about random crap last night when the conversation wandered into this area of What Is This Relationship, Exactly?, never a great place to go when one of you is tired from cross-country travel. Essentially, he said what I DIDN'T want to hear, which was that right now, he's not even thinking of where this is going, and is just happy to be letting it unfold. I didn't say anything, but he saw the change on my face and asked what was up. I said, " well. Hmm. I think that if you're going back to Hotspot in two weeks and you want me to sit here on ice and not see anyone else for 3 months it's going to have to be something more than 'Just Dating'. I'm not asking for a ring, or to even plan your life around what I do next, I'm just SAYING. Think about what you're asking me to do, and think about what that means, please." He got the picture and said he would, and did I want to talk about it more? I did not. I was already too pissed.

I mean, PLEASE. WTF?? This whole situation with him is the definition of the word "dichotomy". If you look that up in the dictionary, you'll see a photo of me and him, waving at you like in "Harry Potter". Because of this stupid effing job of his, the whole shape and course of things in their natural progression gets wildly distorted. We're intimate and crazy about each other and I'm going to wait for 3 months til I can see him again. But, no, we're Just Dating. We have these intense discussions about things that piss us off, and it's like we're already IN a serious relationship, but I run out of fingers trying to count the number of times he's said, "sometimes when we fight, I think, 'why bother'?" or "Maybe I shouldn't BE in a relationship at all. I don't know how to make it work when I have to have this kind of job." It's like "make the most of the time I'm home!!!" but "let's see how things develop!!!" Okay, Anthony, are you in or are you out?
And what I figured out today is that I've been the one sort of holding it together, pursuing him and making it work, and worrying, while he's over there kicking back sending mixed messages. It's not like he's a villian, here; he just wants it both ways- he wants it to be new and slow and developing, but he wants it to be full of love and close and deep. He wants to go to work and pursue a new relationship. Meanwhile, I'm doing yoga poses in my head trying to figure out how to make it happen. Because The Job Rules All, and he hasn't figured out yet the kind of pressure it puts on his partner or the relationship itself to keep it.

Which I will be telling him, shortly; have no doubt about it.

I got home last night and just about hit the ceiling. I felt like, well, you know what? Fuck it. I can't be keeping this together on my own. Your turn. Make it worth my while, you know? Put both feet in, at least. Maybe it's time you did a little to show me that you wanna DO this for real, and start holding the other end of the rope.

It's all too much, I think, for anyone, this sort of deal. It's not his fault; I don't blame him or his temporary stupidity about matters, as much as it upsets me. Dating is hard enough without some whacked-out time frame imposed upon courtship and committment. We have to do two things at once all the time: try and be normal and try and fit it all in. For awhile there I thought it was just me, but I realize now it's the situation, too. And that he's likely just as confused, when he has the headspace to think about it.

I don't know. I don't know what to do except try to talk it out, which we're supposed to do this weekend. It's all very sad for me, because frankly, from what I can tell, this guy is really, really greatly possibly The Guy. I could so see myself marrying him and being very, very happy. But I don't know if that's even going to have a shot of happening if I can't get straight with him about How To Manage This Deal. How can I end up married to some guy if I am so frustrated with the scenario we're in RIGHT NOW???

God, it's all so wacked, it's going to take an Act of Nature to sort it all out. Goddammnit.

That's exhausting enough, and as of yet: no job. Jesus! I just want the story to change a little, and not be so predictably disappointing and depressing. Is that too much to fucking ask??? Apparently so.