Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Sassy cracks me up with her candid admissions of her rampant libido. Believe it or not, I don't have nearly her chutzpa to admit to the world that I'm horny or not. I know, I know- I've talked about my crack-up, my exes, my menstrual cycle, my family, my finances, and my obsession with certain Austrailians to the point of eye-rolling embarrassment. But I just cannot, for the life of me, discuss my, erm, um, you know, needs, unless it's indirectly (see any post about aforementioned Austrailians).

Maybe it's just that I hate, hate , HATE the word "horny". It's just so college-frat-boy-in-shorts/baseball cap/t-shirt-holding-a-cup-of-cheap-beer, yelling, "Dude!" I don't know why that image comes to mind, but it does. Can't we, as highly evolved verbal beings, come up with a different word? Libidinous. Desirous. (*reaching for the thesaurus*) Wantonness ( no, that implies a moral judgement.) I once had someone call me ( in jest), a slattern harlot , but again that doesn't really describe the feeling, just the end result! (*reaching for dictionary*) Okay, it WAS in the dictionary, but it gave me no synonyms. Dammit. Jeannie had a slang dictionary, and it would be interesting to know the entomolgy of the word. Then maybe I could come up with alternatives. Suggestions are welcome...

At any rate, I'm right there with her. Actually, it's been like this for about two months now, and I don't have a Rusty to take care of things. It's so weird, because I can live with it for awhile( the -ergh!- horniness), and then WHAMMO! Something in the cosmos shifts and I just feel completely out of control ( and right now, with nowhere to go!) . And since it's been QUITE awhile, I seriously worry for the next man that wanders into my bed ( that really DOES make sound like a harlot. Ah, fuck it. Metaphorically speaking.) . He's going to be very, very tired and probably, run as fast as he can as soon as he can get his pants back on, suspecting I'm some sort of succubus. Or out to get knocked up, which I can assure you is not the case at this particular time. For as I have a keening desire to have children sooner than later ( something else I have stated quite frankly in this blog), I have NO desire to have a kid THIS instant in my life. That would so not work. Even I'm self-reflective enough to realize that.

My body, however, feels differently and has some sort of nefarious plan to force my hand in the matter. Whenever , as Sassy so delicately describes it "have those kinds of hormones running around", I just lose. My. Mind. Not in the bad spiraling-down-into-the-pit-of-hellish-depression kind of way that I now get medicine for ( yippee!). NO. I just get overrun with lust almost to the point of total distraction. Can't think of anything else, no, I don't want to go to a movie, no, I don't want to read this book, every guy on the street is suddenly far more attractive,etc. It's BAD. I can' even do it justice without getting ToTaLLy graphic and sharing Far Too Much Information that I assure you, you dont need to have. Clearly, this is my body's attempt to get me to copulate my way into breeding whether I, the person who inhabits this vessel, want to or not. Given my age, I'm a bit surprised. When I was in my twenties, I certainly had these kinds of feelings, but not nearly to this degree. It's only when I hit my thirties that it has been just insanity. And the older I get, the more intense it is. I'd've thought that it's be the other way around: since I was at prime childbearing age, oh, say TEN years ago ( sob), I would have had those levels of desire THEN, when it was more ideal biologically. But, conversely, it also makes sense that I'm reaching the point where it's-now-or-never, and perhaps my body is just trying to make a last bid to get it done by making the idea irresistible. I have no idea. Again, suggestions, ideas,welcome, because all my OB/GYN has to say is, "you're normal. You have a bit of a window yet. It's closing , so I wouldn't hold off forever, but you're okay til about 40."

BUT I REITERATE, this is NOT what I'm looking for in my life right now! Frankly, I just want to get laid ( there, I used THAT slang, which I have no issue with whatsoever). With someone I am actually attracted to and who knows a thing or two. Is that too much to ask? Normal people have this in their life on a semi- regular basis! What the hell is wrong with me that I don't?? I seriously want to know. Again, suggestions, ideas, commentary welcome.

Frustration, thy name is Jessica.