Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

An email from my friend Jane ( somewhat exceprted, since I don't have her permission, either, although I suspect she wouldn't care), kind of made the light bulb go on for me:

Jessica, do not take responsibility for his behaviors ( that YOU somehow pushed his buttons). That is how abusive men manipulate women.

As far as his requests for needing time? ( He asked for this today...while making a case for us to try, work it out, compromise, etc.....) That is his best suggestion . Tell him to call you in a few years when he's ready to live in the solution, and accept some responsibility for his actions and reactions.

He's proven he can justify being ugly to you because of something nebulous YOU DO.

NEXT! ( I don't mean to be harsh, but well, I am...)

My response:

I don't think you're being harsh. I went away from the computer awhile tonight and prayed ( I guess that's what you'd call it. I just talk. Honestly, to Whatever's Up There. It helps). I realized that I may have some "stuff" but it is by no means on any scale of whatever it is he is reacting to. I'm a decent person. And I'm actually a pretty reasonable, flexible person when it comes to anything anyone wants to tell me or share with me. I'm not saying I'm perfect or I've always been that way, but dammit, I do pretty fuckin' well. I have good friends who love me, I have good relationships in my life. I'm sober. I work on my issues.

Granted, none of those people are currently sleeping with me, and I can be fairly needy in relationships, and sometimes, I want the other person to change so I will feel safe with them, instead of making myself feel safe. BUT you know what? He's way out there doing something that has not a damned thing to do with me. He's angry at Her and bad at anger in general, and while I can't tell him what's best for him or how he should live his life, I do know I'm stretched way too thin by this bullshit.

This is me. I can work with you, but I still only be a better ME. And I cannot do it if I'm being berated and manipulated and emotionally set on fire because you are so fucked up right now. I can't be someone else, or perfect, at all, nor should I have to be.

It's sad. He's a good man in his heart. And most of the time, he acts like one. I believe he really does love me, and genuinely wants to be with me in something deep. But I'd like to give Anger Management a call and get him in ASAP. He's lost his perspective on relationships completely. I don't know if its always been this way, or if it's just since Her, or what, or if its partially from his job....probably all of the above.

I love him, too. But I won't live afraid. A partner should be a soft place to fall, someone you know always has your back. Even if you're fighting cats and dogs, you gotta know you can find your way back to that person, and trust them. That's what I think, anyway.

So. Sorry for all the posted emails instead of real blogging, but I'm exhausted. I spend all day-- no matter what I'm doing-- feeling like shit about this and anxious and obsessing. It wears me out, and is beginning to make me resentful and angry. So I've decided this:

I'm tapped. He needs to decide if he wants to sit down and really come to a compromise or not. Within a day or so. First of all, he's leaving in less than a week and well, we're out of time. Ding! Time's up! Second of all, I realized, probably for the first time in my life, that I have control over my anxiety; I can SET LIMITS to the amount of stressors I allow in. ( I do this almost unconsciously with the depression- I'm very careful about things and watching it. I'm just realizing now that I need to treat the anxiety levels the same way. My instinct is to just "ride it out" but sometimes, you need to take flight. You know?) .

What I'm saying here is that I'm not going to get involved in some long, drawn out email session where we hem and haw and bemoan our love affair and what to do. I just can't DO it anymore. I have limits, and I need to watch my health. That's OKAY. It's OKAY. ( Big moment here, you know?)

So: We either decide to hash it out ASAP, or that's it. Just for the record, though, I am not optimistic about us coming to some kind of compromise. Unfortunately.
So my contingency plan, for MYSELF, and to take CARE of myself is this: if we can't come up with a solution I can live with, he can go back to Global Hotspot without a girlfriend, and sit there and think about what he's not got. If he thinks I'm going to sit around for 3 months in limbo- not being his partner, but hanging on a possibility!- waiting for him to come home , getting mushy-mushy emails that cure his lonliness overseas-- and admittedly, make me feel good-- but only serve to muddy up the waters of Resolution of The Big Maybe between us, ONLY TO do this all again, when he gets home, he's out of his head!!!

My original offer still stands; he comes back in December, we have coffee, and we talk. And now with this new information ( about looooove), we see how things have changed or not.

But I'm not on ice, waiting for him. NOt like I'm jumping on the Dating Train anytime soon, but I'm a free agent. So is he ( not that those hookers in That Part of The World are so appealing, I might add). If I'm not his girlfriend, then, well....I'm free to do as I choose.

Don't get me wrong. I love him, too. I haven't felt this way about someone since James, like I said. Decades. I could see a real future with this man. It's hard as hell to stand here and say, "Bye, Anthony, see you in December, platonic friend!" BUt you know, I need a break from all this roller coaster "oh!-we're-in love!- oh,no!-we're headed-for-disaster!!" thing. And that's OKAY too.

I'm OKAY. What I need is OKAY. It is going to BE OKAY. It's my job to ensure that, and while I'm scared half to death about it, I KNOW I'm going to do what's best for myself. I have to. And that's OKAY.
It's all going to be all right, no matter what. Deep breath. It is not the end of the world. Deep Breath. Let the Universe handle it as it will. Deep breath. I will be OKAY.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Deep breath. This is the sound of me breathing. I am one with the sound of me breathing ( 10 points if you can name the movie that's from...). Yes, Yes, yes. I am OKAY.