Status Update: I think I'm going to have to work at McDonald's.

So, I've been applying to every job possible these days with NO CALLS BACK. None. Zero. My mom decided to call up and yell some more, since I guess my dad was on her again for sending money. It was another version of "You Should Move Back Home" and I flat out told her for the umpteenth time, "I'm NOT DOING IT."

Why doesn't anyone LISTEN to me when I say, " I want to be an actor"? They insist on telling me to move to cities with NO ARTS COMMUNITY....because it's cheaper. Like I'm supposed to turn into this "responsible adult" over night , which to them = a "real job" = "dead inside". Or something. I'm happy to leave LA, absolutely, for somewhere cheaper, but for fuck's sake, people. I'm not going to artistic Siberia, which home essentialy IS. I'm also NOT moving to anyplace else that's the equivalent of it.

To top it off, I even have friends, who mean well insisting all I need to do is leave; my life will be fixed! Some friends even keep insisting how XPlace is SO great and I should move there. They have LOTS of jobs and good people! Um, yes, but a.) is it filled to the brim with Republican Christians? Because in case you didn't notice I'm NOT ONE. B.) Is it HOTTER THAN HELL just like here? Because I that's also a problem and c.) is there a real arts community, not just community theatre and a watercolor garden club for old ladies? Because, see, I need to DO something or go crazy from lack of an outlet. And finally, d.) what do people over 30 DO with their lives except drive mini-vans, drink or watch sports? Anything? Are there places to go and do things, or is is JUST LIKE WHAT I LEFT, which was me sitting in my house for days on end, no social life because I don't drink or want to sit in bars or wait 3 weeks to hang out with someone because they can't get a sitter?? (One plus of being here is that not EVERYONE has children here, and if they do, they don't let it stop them from having a life of their own. I don't know why other places insist on living life in some suburban bubble, like it's some sort of fantasy script, but it makes me want to shoot myself. )

Anyway, I explained to my mother that she didn't need to send money outside of her comfort zone, and that my coming home would change NOTHING, AGAIN, but she of course had to argue that everythign THERE is cheaper, which would be much more affordable for everyone. I can't argue with that, and I said so. I said, "I can't argue with that. But I DO NOT EVER WANT TO LIVE THERE AGAIN. That is what I have been saying since I left, before I left, and nothing has changed. There isnt anything there for me, and so, NO. You do what you have to do, but I'm not arguing about this anymore." I know that upsets them; I wish I could be a person who could live like they do, as it would be so much easier. I don't like taking money at 40 from my MOM on a regular basis, you know?

So, that's the status with them. They are losing patience and I don't blame them; however, I don't know what to DO. I need something I can do on a regular basis that brings in money, and I'm tired of this constant crisis. I am seriously thinking of going to CA Dept. of Rehab and asking for job training in something really practical, that I can do anywhere, like a Pharmacy Assistant or something.....what else can I do? I can do ALOT of things, but apparently no one wants to pay me for what I know or what I'm educated to do. And right now, I am seriously FUCKED.

I came home from Houston ( see below) to discover a whole slew of checks I *thought* were being held til the end of the month were processed, and I am now $282 in the hole. OMG, I almost passed out. If that weren't all, I owe $450 on my car liscence renewal, which has been overdue for almost a year now. That's with penalties, and if I get stopped, they will impound my car for 30 days, mandatory. That means 30 days, no getting it out a day sooner, no matter what money I come up with. And they charge me for the privilige, $50 a day. Yes, in some states, it's called extortion, but here in CA, it's just called the law.

On top of that, I DID get stopped about 6 weeks ago, and I was given a ticket. If I don't fix that, there will be a warrant out for my arrest,( bail pending at $851). That's already overdue, and I am likely on the lam as I write this.

When I left for Houston, I had $250 in the bank. I arranged to borrow $250 from my friend Lori to pay off the car situation. (I already owe Ron and Roy $350, so I don't feel like I can go there anymore. I'm sure they would be willing, but I'm totally EMBARRASSED, KWIM? ). Then my power and gas were due to the tune of $168 and $69 respectively before I left. That left me little money, and I spent little money while I was in TX. Then all those checks came through, and I was foolish enough to think I would make it home before the ONE extravagant purchase I made ($55 boots. I know, bad idea. You can chastise me. I already deserve it.) would go through, and I could put some of Laura's loan in the bank. But I was racing against time and against checks I didn't expect to see. Which was stupid. But welcome to my world.

To sum up: I have $17 in my wallet, most of which is going to go to cat food and some sort of ailment relief for the itching ( mosquitoes in TX: the size of small planes and very hungry, apparently). I won't even have gas. I can't call Mom and Dad. Any money from Lori is going to the bank ( and I will STILL owe). I have no answer for the cops or the DMV. And no job, or prospects. I thought when I got off the plane, "Maybe I'll just go work at McDonalds" because when you're desperate, you're desperate, you know? Right now I'm even wondering if I could do that quickly enough to get any pay in a reasonable amount of time. ( And no, temp jobs are out. They are just not around right now. At ALL. ).

I'd like to quit worrying long enough to come up with a reasonable solution, but frankly, I'm so panicked I can't think straight. All I can think of is, "I can get the bank straight ENOUGH but then I still need $550! Where the hell is THAT coming from?" I don't even have anything to SELL. Except ME. My therapist has been all, "Think of creative solutions" but you know what? Creative solutions do not come out of panic. Pressure, maybe. Panic? No. That's full on shut-down, Fix-It-Now brain stuff going on. I have no motivation towards "creative solutions". I need to PAY MY BILL. Period, not negotiate with the Universe on how to "bring more abundance" or some such other. I don't have the energy or the faith for that right now.

Which is sad, but true. Because the OTHER thing I cannot stand anymore is when people tell me to live "The Secret" or some shit, because as far as I'm concerned, that's a middle-class indulgence. It's one thing to "fake it til you make it", but that's not the case with money. I don't KNOW what the money ju-ju is, but I do know it's not THAT. The only "secret" there is wearing yourself out thinking you have control over something that isn't entirely IN your control in the first place. You CO-CREATE reality with the rest of the world, and putting it all on yourself is not only egocentric, but a mistake that only makes you feel guilty when should you not be able to make the sun rise and set on your own checkbook. As a pagan, I certainly believe in putting energy out there and controlling your destiny, so it's good that these kinds of ideas are getting airtime in our culture right now. But let's be realistic, people: I know not one witch who would ever have the chutzpah to claim the Universe didn't have it's own plans, as well. That's just arrogant as hell.

So tomorrow: apply at any and all jobs and pray I don't get pulled over. That's all I got.

In other news, it's amazing how things in my life go from low to high and back again with little warning.

Status Update: I was so close to Bono I could have counted his teeth.

Yeah, really. I don't know exactly how many feet stood between me and the man, but I suspect if he would have had a restraining order in place, I would have been violating it. It took standing in line in 88 degree heat with 75% humidity, for 3 good hours to get a spot on the floor that was worth having, but it was SO worth it. It wasn't all that hard, really; Lisbeth's friend Marie had gone up to the stadium at 6am to secure a place in line for all three of us. When we arrived about 5 hours later, we got a line number, which enabled us to come and go as we pleased; we got a decent number, (under 1200, which was the amount that was allowed in the Inner Circle, i.e., closest to the stage). We were instructed to come back at about 4pm whereupon we'd get a wristband accorded to our place in line and line up numerically to go in for open seating ( which begs the question: why did people stay there all day??). Still, it was sickeningly hot and disgusting, and after being let in at 5pm, we still had 2 1/2 hours to kill waiting for the show to even start. THAT was rough. Hungry, thirsty people all jammed into a stadium, waiting and trying to figure out if leaving their spot was worth going to the restroom or getting a drink. Luckily, most everyone saw that we were all in the same boat, and held spots for others while they did basic survival things such as eating. I think Bono would have been proud of us for working together for such peaceful co-existence....

And like I said, it was SO worth it. I about plotzed when I realized how close we were. When the opening act came on, I could. Not. Believe it. (They let us have cameras, too, so the pics I got were incredible!). Speaking of that opening act. I was a bit iffy on Muse , although I do like some of their work and was excited to see what they could do live. Well. What they can do live pales in comparison to what they do in the studio, and as I subtly put it, my mind was blown to the back of the stadium wall. They were just THAT good. ( Here's a taste. Yes, it's all very atmospheric, little dark songs with sexy lyrics, a guitar-heavy style that finishes with big rock n' roll climaxes. Granted, none of that might be your thing, but instrumentation can't like that be faked. Neither can the arranging, which to me shows some musical smarts I just don't see that much of anymore. ) I think Matt Bellamy is a rock GOD; he totally struts it onstage but can back it up with all the talent and skill as well. I gots to give the props where it's due, and it's DUE. I haven't been this excited about a new rock band since I was about 20, and for me to be all up in my knickers about this guy is something to be noted! I can't believe the US has taken so long to get the clue on what Europeans have known for 4 previous albums.

As for U2, well, what can I say? Perfection, innovation, evocation, elevation. As usual. I always leave there wanting to be a better person, and feeling like my soul has opened up; I don't think that's a mistake or something that just happens, or just happens to just me. I've always said Bono should have been a preacher, for all of his stirring and shit-disturbing words never fail to rouse a crowd. He's said the goal at the shows is to get the spirit moving in the room, and I've hardly ever seen it not happen. To me, that's what art is about- you push people to the edge of where they live day-to-day, and then take them to a place where they feel alive and engaged in their lives. THAT'S how change happens, even if it's just on a personal "I'm going to make different choices in my little life" level. To me, you don't get a more important job in this world than that one, and so to keep doing it so well after so long and with such profound impact on the audience and the culture at large.....well, that's what it's all about.

Of course, I bawled like a little kid, since I was in such proximity to my hero; he didn't let me down that close up. Even seeing him smaller, more human was so enchanting and funny, it made me love him more. Yes, he's just a guy who puts his pants on one leg at a time and who makes mistakes. But he's a great MAN- like 3x Nobel Prize nominated great. And to see him running out of breath, or tripping down the stairs was just endearing, not disappointing. I've always like the fact that he puts it all out there- the good, the bad, the ugly, and isn't trying to be Saint Bono. His ego may be huge, but his heart is in the right place, and he knows what his weaknesses are, and how silly he looks from time to time. I dont know what more anyone could want from one person in public life, frankly.

Except a really amazing concert, which it was. So much fun, great music, a big party for the fans. Even if one leaves with just that, it's worth the effort. There's just not enough of THAT in this world, either! I was very, very happy. The 15 year old in me was so overwhelmed by being so close, I was gonna pass out. It was the. Coolest. Thing I think I've ever had happen to me in a LONG time. I can't even put words on it. It took me a day and a half to even sleep properly!

Overall, though, I just wish right now I could reconcile both of these concurrent feelings/status updates inside myself to make sense of it..... ????? *Sigh*.