Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Yea, I know, it's been FOREVER, but you can thank the blizzard in Denver , plus the holidays, PLUS the flu upon return to LA for that! It's been quite an adventure for the last month, Dear Readers....

I left LA on the 19th for a much, much needed vacation to STL, and got stranded in Denver for about 5 days due to a record blizzard. I spent one night on the airport floor with thousands of others, and managed to hole up the rest of the time in a hotel, warm, with food and a bed ( thanks to Dad's credit card). Brother the travel agent hooked it up so to extend my trip and make up the lost 5 days by spending them at home wouldn't cost extra, so I had a nice long visit to relax.

Then on New Year's day I woke up with swollen glands and a sore throat which quickly progressed into a hellacious flu. By the time I had gotten on the plane to fly back here on the 4th, what had started as an URI had developed a charming gastrointestinal flair to it. ( Hooray for upgrades to First Class on a non-stop flight.) On top of that I had craptacular PMS and was a moody mess ; not to mention of Anthony had emailed me to say "Happy New Year!" in MySpace( I sent back a very brief perfunctory with the same wishes, which isn't BAD per se. Still, I felt very weird about it, and I came to other conclusions later; keep reading) which allowed me to see that some really ( objectively speaking, I have surmised; trust me, it wouldn't be any better if she looked the opposite of) unnattractive chick he'd been flirting with is posting all about his hot body and his sex appeal. (After both of those things, I decided, on my own - yay! Jessica!- that I had had enough overall and chose, on my part, to say, " I will no longer allow what this man does or does not do to hurt me, and I do not want to have him in my life at this time." After careful thought, and to this end, I chose to shut down my page, since I wasn't using it anyway, was sick of the proximity to temptation, his access to me in such an offhand manner and all of my bad associations with that stupid site as of late. It was an enormous relief and I'm so glad. I might go back later after all this is ancient history, but for now, it's the right choice, and I'm proud of myself. It's not often I really say or feel that too much about myself, --and it made me realize I don't know why that is, since I'm a pretty good person!--but I felt it, and it felt good.
I hope and plan to continue to make better, healthier choices in this arena-- as well as others--as time goes forward) .
I'm just getting past all that now. Feeling a little better, sleeping alot, eating regularly, not full of anxiety and depression and grief every day anymore.... phlegm still a problem, but I'm hoping that will come around, too.

On the whole the trip home was exactly the escape I needed. I saw alot of old friends who were really, really happy to see me and showed me a lot of love, which I really appreciated. I finally met my friend Vince's little girl, Mara, who is beautiful and funny at 18 months; I met another friend's great new wife that he'd finally found after a painful divorce 5 years ago. I met Brother's hilarious and spastic new pug puppy, Theo, who was good for hours of entertainment and wet kisses, not to mention the amusemement of my seeing my parents puppy-sit. I saw Brother's band, who were REALLY good. I ate lots of good food and felt much, much more grounded than I have in a long time.
I realized that alot of the stupid shit I've been dealing with lately is stupid people wanting me to hold their hands through every psychological paper cut imaginable, ( see last blog, below) and I'm fresh out of bandaids and kisses for their boo-boos. And that I'm sick of protracted drama of any kind ( see this blog, above). Time to take care of Jessica first. New Year's resolution.

In that area, I went back to the doctor when I was feeling my worst with the flu, and had her take a look at me. While I was there, she wanted to run some tests to re-check the Epstein-Barr situation again; she also wanted to check some stuff like my thyroid level, Hepatitis B ( again, I was concerned with Anthony's job....), strep, etc. . That was Monday. Friday I got a call from her secretary informing me that she was sending me to an infectious disease specialist. I asked why, and her secretary informed me, "Jessica, she didn't really explain it to me, but to say it had to do with your Epstein-Barr."
Still breathing. Made the appointment. I'm going in Monday.

My GP is not very much of an alarmist. She's pretty down to earth and she likes to keep things basic. She's been doing this for about 35-40 years, I'd imagine, so she's seen alot of stuff, and things rarely faze her. I'm hoping that she's just erring on the side of "there's not much I can offer her in this area, and so she should see a specialist" and not the "uh-oh" side. Of course, since she didn't call me herself, I don't know anything. I don't know what my titers look like, if I have Hep B as well (GOD forbid), if I have an elevated white blood cell count and I'm in BIG trouble, or what.
So I sit here, about 48 hours away from my appointment with Specialist Guy, trying not to be an alarmist myself. It's a little rough. Sometimes I know doctors don't like to scare patients, but HELLO? Like sitting here going "It's NOT a tumor!" over and over is not scary?

But I'm trying to remain cool, and not get all hot and bothered about what I do not know. It could be that my titers are elevated and there is cause for some concern and that's it, and we go from there. And even if it's bad, what can I do untill then? Nothing. And if it is bad, what do I do?
Go from there.

New Year's resolution: take care of Jessica first. Even if it's literal. Still sticking by that.