Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Today's topic: Why We Do The Stupid Things We Do.

Today's stupid thing: I got into MySpace again. Yes. I know. Seems I'm good for about two weeks and then I just crack. Given that it's not even a month yet, I'm doing the best I can. I feel badly, but then, I think, well. Everyone has their stupid things they do, especially in a breakup. We all want to know : how are they? What are they up to? Do they still love me? Do they miss me? It's practically native to the procces.

Of course, also native to the proccess is the ensuing, searing, horribly consuming pain that shoots through you when Person isn't doing what you think they should, or hurting like you think they should, or whatever. Even worse pain - a special kind of pain, really- tacks itself on to this initial pain when you see that they're Moving ON. Clearly. Nothing quite like that, really.

I could tell you what I saw today, but it would just be telling you what you already suspect I experienced, given my foreshadowing. To say I was shocked would be an understatement, as it has not even been a month.
I could tell you about the 45-minute meltdown where I cried and cried and cried and threw shit around the room, and yelled at him, as if he were here.
I could tell you how it makes me feel insignificant, small, stupid, foolish, rejected and unwanted. I could tell you how it makes me angry and just outright baffled at the speed in which I was put behind.
I could tell you how I just wish I could move on faster, like he is, and for the sake of everyone involved, including friends.

But I think that would not be telling you anything new. What would be telling you something new is to tell you what I'm going to do.

I guess, I'm going to Act As If. It's not a foolproof plan, but given that I don't want any more meltdowns or crying over someone who wants to move on, --regardless of his feelings for me, which I don't know and really, are probably irrelevant at this time-- I'm going to pretend like I'm okay with it. Like it's all going to be all right, and I'm just fine, and that it's OVER. ( It is over, but getting my heart to cooperate in this matter is the problem area. I'm hoping by acting As If I already accept that and am pushing forward that my emotions will eventually go with it.

What else can I do? Sit around and cry? I mean, there will probably be my share of that. But I guess....I guess my attitude is just an effort to be more pragmatic and less emotional. Why sit and think about What Could Have Been or Wish or Long or Wonder? What use is it having for me? Clearly, it's just keeping me in a place where there is some sort of Hope, and that's not useful. Wouldn't it be better to put Hope to better use-- to Hope that I can have a nice holiday, that I can move forward and cope?

(I know Why We Do The Stupid Things We Do in that arena. We're just not ready to let go. And I suppose there's some comfort in holding on, just a little, even if you're absolutely certain you've done the right thing. It's difficult to let go sometimes. For me, it seems especially hard, somethng I'm just wretched at. I'm trying to get better at it. I am. Believe it or not.)

Wouldn't it be better to focus on the people that are there for me, like my family, whom I'll see in December? My friends, who love and care for me? Wouldn't it be better not to focus on Who is Not There, or How It Hurts?

Yes, it would. So I suppose it's my plan: I hope it's not another Stupid Thing That Jessie Tries And Fails. Or if it must fail, that something else comes in to take its place, and has the same effect: to help her let go and heal, which she so desperately, painfully, fairly or unfairly, NEEDS to do.

Goddess help me to do it, however I can.