Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Well, the truth comes out. ( this is from a friend of mine on MySpace, who is now dating a girl Anthony was "talking to" when we first met, and was "just a friend with" while we were dating. He said she was "stalking him" and was "inappropriate" so he had to take her off his Friends list. I thought nothing of her, or of it. Funny thing is, Anthony was so jealous of John and his notes to ME, when nothing was going on. Irony!).

I am so stupid. I am so, so stupid.

I know you're all tired of hearing this dumb saga. I'm tired of living it. My heart breaks even further. I didn't think the pieces could get this small!! I don't know if I have tape or string enough to tie it together. I just want to crawl home and have someone hold me tight til all the pain passes away. Know what I mean? Below is a letter I wrote to the bastard. What can he say now to make it all right? I cannot imagine.
Besides, I am done. I have nothing left inside.



It's interesting what comes out in the wash. Remember John, the guy you thought I was all hot for and saw as such an insult to keep around, because of his comments on my page? That you were so angered by his hitting on me, and worried I'd been seeking comfort in his arms? He and I have remained casual friends, as we *always only* have been ( He writes me once or twice every two weeks or so). Haven't even met the guy in person, but he's nice enough. And wouldn't you know it- hilarously, he's now sorta dating Mandy!! You know, the "stalker girl" you spoke of. I was trying to be helpful to him and let him know that you had some trouble shaking her off when you weren't interested anymore, and funny enough, this was her side of the story, as you'll read below.

Don't know what to make of this information. I doubt if you'll want to talk to me about it, or even want me to hear your side of it. I would like to hear your side of it, though. Might as well.

But here's what I'm feeling right now:

I feel stupid. Stupid, stupid girl.

I knew that you had seen Mandy when you were home last, and that you had had coffee and dinner and that she was interested in you. A very nice girl, you said. A nice friend. But when I asked you (repeatedly ) if you were seeing anyone else, ESPECIALLY her, you ( repeatedly ) told me NO. I was the only one you were dating, ( and the only one you were sleeping with). Maybe you weren't sleeping with Mandy, but wow!! . According to her, you did alot more than go out for coffee a few times! Maybe in your mind, somehow, taking naked pictures of her and giving her the idea that she had a shot with you in the sack --while you were dating me!-- was okay, or acceptable, or innocent, or god knows what. IF THAT'S TRUE, IT'S NOT OKAY. And I'll tell you why:

It's really very simple. Just because you didn't stick your dick into her doesn't mean it's not wrong, or a deception.

I don't know when all that shit with Mandy and the pictures and the sexual expectations happened. It's almost irrelevant, because you LIED about it. You can say it was no big deal, or that I'm being a child, or whatever. That's bullshit, because nobody here is 23 any more and just playing around. And maybe you could argue that it wasn't lying. ( Or say "I never said that , I said X. ") But the deal is, not saying something, or weaseling out on a techincality is the SAME as lying, in cases like this, in matters of the heart. If it wasn't a big deal, then why did you keep it a secret,? Why not just tell me, ( or HER) the truth?

But here's what was happening from MY perspective, not that it matters much anymore, I suppose:

For the sake of clarity, it's Two Parted.

*1.) Before You Said You Loved Me/After You DID*
The whole time we were together, talking and laughing and seeing and> sleeping together, those first two weeks you were home ( before you went to home to visit your mom in Ohio) each other, I was falling in love with you. I trusted you that you were telling me the truth and that I was the only girl you had on your mind.

:: At it's best, this is *emotional withholding* from someone who is TRUSTING you to tell them the truth, and expecting you to be caring and emotionally responsible enough to be honest. Even when two people are just dating, it's not fair to ANYONE to have a foot in a two camps to see which one pans out first without saying "hey just so you know, I'm seeing other people" Especially when it's pretty clear that one of the girls -- at least! ME-- is crazy about you. ( Naked pictures, telling her sex between you two would be hot? That you'll keep that option open for when you come home next?? That's not platonic, Anthony. That's not innocent. That's not banter and bullshitting and just being pals. Even art-school pals for photography.) You could have said "I'm seeing some other girls while I'm home". THAT would have been fair. I could have worked with THAT.::

Then you came back from Ohio, and we had that awful fight and we split up, and I went through alot of angst over losing this guy I thought was just the coolest, the most wonderful, even if we had issues. It really sucked and it was really hard. Then you said, "I love you, can't we try?" I thought "Wow, it's gonna be rough, but I love him too. And if he is willing to give it shot after all of that, he must be sincere, and I cannot possibly pass him up. I need to give this a shot, too. " And we fell in passionately in love and I slept in your bed and spent every day with you and I was your girl and I gave you my whole heart. And the whole time, I felt this connection to you that I couldn't explain-- that was spiritual and deep to me, even though we had problems-- I was thinking about the future with you and hoping and dreaming. And you said you were too.

** ( Even when I was scared, even when I was unsure, even when I was angry, AND EVEN WHEN I had to take a break/back up a bit because I just was overwhelmed with the issues between us and my life circumstances, I was passionately, terribly in love with you and holding on to those dreams, those little conversations we'd had about living in Tennessee and meeting your mom, being your mate, your potential wife, someday. I loved you SO much, and I felt so Meant To Be with you. Despite and in and around all that crap. ). **

And I thought We Were Only Each Others. I dove in. Fully.
Not just with sex but with hearts and words!!!!

*2.) After You Left/We Were In A Serious> Relationship.*
And you left for Global Hotspot and I trusted you to not talk to any other girl in a way that let her believe she was anything other than a friend. I knew you had plenty of women friends, and I wasn't jealous. I thought the first thing that you would say would be you had this girlfriend back in the states. I thought you would even be honorable about it with the girls you might have been flirting with before me, being gently honest that you had found someone. For my sake, out of RESPECT for me, and out of CONSIDERATION for them.

:: At it's worst, this is *emotional infidelity* leading the person you're in a relationship with to believe that your heart is theirs, when you're distracted and still connected with someone else even semi-flirtatiously, even with just words ( talking to her sexually online, telling her you want her, and all that, while you're WITH me? In your bed, fucking and sleeping, and being intimate!!! Writing back and forth with me from Hotspot about love and committment and WAITING for you, my being FAITHFUL TO YOU til you come back to me!! Supposedly ONLY with me?) That's not being only with the person you're with. That's keeping a door open for someone else.
EVEN IF you're having problems with someone, you DON'T go looking around, flirting, because that's just a cheap way of not having to deal with the problems in the relationship. It takes you AWAY from the other person, just when you need to be focusing on them and your realtionship the MOST.
That's not intimacy, Anthony. It's not a grown-up relationship. And the thing is, I think you know that. ::

What's more, I trusted that you were having fun, and keeping in touch with Mandy and everyone, anyone else, and didn't really think about it.( I didn't even notice when Mandy wasn't there anymore, remember? You pointed it out to me. You said SHE had crossed the line with you, and that you had put a stop to it, and shouldn't I do that with Joe? )

I BELIEVED you. I TRUSTED you. Why? Because you said you loved me. You were so ardently clear about that. That I was your girl, "someday my mate, someday My Wife". I could drink a case of you, darling, and still be on my feet. Whew.


Well. I have to wonder now, what was really real.

I do believe you loved me Tony. You just can't fake that kind of passion and feeling, and I know it on an intuitive primal level, and I knew it then.

I just don't know what to think about anything else.

Clearly, if this is all true, I was living in some sort of different picture than the real one. And even in loss, not having you now, it hurts like you would not believe. I loved you SO. You may not have ever believed me, or understood how deep and how unconditional it was.
( unconditional: adj; "without limitations, absolute." --Amer. Herit. Dict-- meaning despite fears or doubts, or even the need to break apart! It never changed!! It might now HAVE to change form or shape in my life, because of where WE are as people, but it WAS, it IS . Like the stars in the sky.)
You may not have understood, or felt somehow, how much I was giving to you and was willing to give to you, but it was THERE. IT was real, my HEART was real, to me, you were as close to me as the next pillow, even when you were gone. ("If my heart had wings /I would fly to you/ And lie beside you as you dream", remember? Every night. EVERY night. ).
If that's true, maybe it was a failing on my part. I suppose that's what I have to live with knowing.

Regardless, I can't imagine any of the choices here were right or fair or
respectful to me, ( or to Mandy, either, no matter what you thought of her). Nobody deserves that.

You always say you don't want to be a villian, -- and " I WON'T be "for any woman!!!" -- and that's reasonable. I get it- you don't want to be the Bad Guy Getting Blamed For Shit Unfairly. ( Who would want that? ) But that doesn't mean you escape being held accountable for any of your behavior, EVER.

Of course, holding you accountable now, well.....I suppose it's somewhat pointless. I wanted honesty and I wanted to my hurt and deep and profound sense of betrayal to be heard. You can do what you want with it. Maybe the next girl who comes along for you will benefit from what you've learned.....
Meanwhile, I'm just left with an excruciatingly painful mystery, that just adds to the loss and grief of this break-up and the loss and grief that permeates my life as of late.

I don't know what else to say. I loved you, .And "always loving you. Just going where you cannot go." ( Remember ?) Still.
What that's worth now, what any of it was worth, I don't even know.
I wish you safety, still, if nothing else.
Jessica ( of former Red Shoes fame.)


How did you know it was Mandy? OH yah you looked at my myspace page. HA HA! Ok, this is so freaking interesting. I didn't put Mandy and your Anthony together. She told me about an "Anthony" that she was friends with.
She said that he was her friend for only about 3 months and that they went out several times and it was all perfectly innocent. Before he came home from being "Away" (She didn't say where he was or what he was doing, just that he was away for work.) They were hot and heavy with sexual innuendo for the first few weeks that they knew each other from myspace, and Mandy stopped that because she was afraid he would not be attracted to her physically when he met her in person and she didn't want her feelings hurt. She is gorgeous and I don't understand why she would have thought that. Anyway, so they just kept it as friendship. She did have feelings for him though, She said he was funny and smart and sexy and they had a common interest, photography.
He even took artistic nudes of her when he came back. She said she went to his apartment and he took photographs of her and nothing else happened. She didn't understand it because she could tell he was excited the whole time and he said he was. He said he didn't want to ruin the mood for the pictures. She asked him if he wanted her, and he said he did the entire shoot and that he would like to keep that option open when he came back home from working again the next time. See , I had no Idea when he was coming back or where he was so I didn't know it was your Tony, (I guess I'm blonde).
So they were keeping in touch and she said she wanted to be with him and he said that's a distinct possibility and that he wanted her too and it would be very hot. They went back and forth and back and forth again I guess till one day he had moved her down on his list of friends. She asked him why and he went off on her. She said some> other girl was number one on his list and she asked him if there was anything going on between them and he said yes that they were having sex and it was none of her business and what the hell does it matter what position she was in on his list. She just asked a question and new that it was really not a> big deal, but he made it a big deal. She was shocked.
She said she ended it then, because why was he making her think that something was going to happen between them, if he was already involved with this other girl. He basically was withholding information from her and that was wrong. She was hurt really bad by him. What a small world we live in. Anyway I spent 12 hours just hanging out with Mandy. We had wine and sushi and then went to a movie. It was one of the most amazing dates I've ever had. She is funny and talented. OH my god her photography is amazing. She can sing like a bird and she is beautiful.

I hope it works out with Mandy. She was interested in Anthony for a bit pretty ardently before, and during our relationship. I don't know how he handled it, and I don't know what happened, I just know he had to tell her to back off pretty hard and then she got angry and went away. But, hell-- he's pretty goddamned infuriating, so maybe she's smart and wise, after all!! LOL!
He nevertheless did say she way very, very nice, and interesting and sweet. And that's a good thing. And everyone has different needs and tastes, and if it's a good fit, then that is GREAT! It all comes down to what's best for you. My best wishes to you both!
Hoping you are well!