Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Sigh. Sit down. I'll tell you the whole tired saga.....

I had NOT been writing Anthony at all. And actually doing better. Sad, but better, and eating and taking care of the house and my "duties" and ya know, functioning like a normal person somewhat again? I wasn't doing great, but I was hanging in there.

Then I fell off the wagon and looked in MySpace. Why? Because that place is eeeeevilll! Eeeeevil!!! And I had really bad PMS and I couldnt take my PMS meds because of the wretched seratonin syndrome problem I possted about, and feeling blue....and saw him macking hard on some chick.

Oh, I freaked out, I guess. I was knee deep into the "what did it ever mean to him?" funk, 'cause he's been seemingly moving on so fast. Then I got that weird coincidence with my pal John starting to date the Mandy girl and then the stories came OUT. And I FLIPPPED OUT.

So I emailed, and he hit the ceiling, and not surprisingly, scorched the earth with his fiery rage, which went on back and forth, for 4 wretched emails. And I closed the door on it, by finally telling him Goodbye, good luck, GET OUT!

I woke up the next day to a full on apology about how he realized he WAS full of rage and it was a problem. And that he was sorry. He told me the full story about Mandy- which was that while he was STUPID and trying to keep a possible friendship by inappropriately responding to her come-ons, trying to not hurt her feelings, he had had no interest in her as a girlfriend/ lover and and he had not wanted to be involved with her as anything other than a friend at BEST. He said he had promised her a photo shoot prior to meeting me and went through with it. That it was just art but was a totally BAD idea given that he'd started to date me. He said she was coming on to him the whole time, but he NEVER touched her, NEVER cheated. NEVER wanted to.

I believe him. I can tell in my gut it's true. It all fits with *her* histrionic personality and what *I* intuited at the time, which was that she was not a threat.
I think he was incredibly STUPID ( all caps again, yes) and emotionally somewhat infidelity(tous? adj.?)....I KNOW he loved me, I KNEW it then.

His heart was not with her. It was with me. I know that, and trust me, there are things women know. I'm very intuitve, as I've mentioned.....
I had always felt "funny" about Mandy, ( who is a COW, BTW) and asked about her often and teased him. I knew *something* had happened, but I was certain that he loved me, and had no interest in her and so I trusted. And I don't think that was a mistake. I knew it in my gut and I know it now.

And he said the same. And he apologized for betraying my trust ( and also said he realized he ahd been disrspectful in making the choices he did, and again, was sorry). He had lots of reasons why....--all stupid guy shit, all stupid TONY reasons-- that are no excuse. But he even said that, "I fucked up. No excuses. But I was faithful to you, Jessica. I wasn't trying to play you. It wasn't a game. It was real. I wanted a life with you. I just want you to know."
I believe that too.

And so THAT was it. I got some final closure on some other things, and then GOODBYE, GOOD LUCK..... I'ts OVER. No more.

SO don't want to talk to him.
Don't wanna see him.
Just want to MOVE ON.

I don't know why he did what he did. Like friends said, I'm not a therapist.
It's on him to figure out why. One thing I know- it wasn't about ME. It wasn't about how he felt about me. It wasn't because I didn't mean anything. And the rest, I just work on lettting go.
Sadly, I feel he's waaaaaaaaaaay busted. Too complicated for me.
And I don't need the pain anymore.
Don't deserve it.
Don't want it.
And am SO. Fucking OVER any idea of EVER being with him again.

Last night he sent me some funny forwards and my response was basically, "thanks for thinking of me!" One line. And it was hard, but I didn't go the extra mile to make it all nicey nice. I know he was just doing it to leave things on a positive note. So I let him and then didn't do anything else.
If he sends me anything else, I'm going to have to say as much as I care about him, I don't think we should be in each others lives right now. I hope he doesn't make me have to do that. I pray I didn't make a grave mistake saying I hope we could be friends one day, because I wanted to leave things in a good way, in case we can . (As a possibility, but no guarantees...)
But I didn't mean NOW !! I was specific with the "after much time and healing has occurred" part of the statement.

Right now I'm so traumatized by the whole deal I dont' even want to open my email anymore. I just want to run away- never a goood sign. I've been eating and sleeping. And therapy. And keeping the house up. That's about it. I have to just take it easy for awhile.
NO drama, NO problems, NO NOTHING! Argh.

I am in alot of pain. Hurting alot. And totally wiped out. Absolutely wrung out by everything in my life right now, from Griff's death forward, it has been TOO MUCH. I am emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted. I'm depressed and sleeping alot, and doing my best to hang on.

I'm worried about my health. But I see the shrink, I see the doc, have started acupuncture again, and am getting the FUCK out of this hellhole in less than a month to go home to see my parents, ( which can be bad in and of itself, but is at least quiet) and get some rest.

That's my story.
And I hope-- it MUST --get better from here. I am much deserving of a better life.
If you're reading this, I love you for caring. I hope I can count on that in days to come...
If you're my friend, You ROCK!
And hopefully someday soon I will again too.
I do, for surviving, but I mean like the verb again. That would be great. Myself. My life. Ah, to imagine it.....which is what I'm trying to do. Hope.
Believe. Like that tattoo on my arm says.
And hold on to the good stuff.
Hold on for MUCH better days to come, which must.