Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I don't know how to explain this, so I'll launch right into it:

Last night at Roy's house- after I had gone into work, told my boss I needed time off and why, told Sofia ( my boss at my other job) I needed time off and why, told HB to go get my hours and why he should-- I borrowed money from him and bought a plane ticket home. I called Sandy and told him I was coming. He insisted I NOT,and was so admant about it we got into an extended discussion about why. He didn't seem to see the urgency about why, and stated that he should never have called me, that he didn't really even remember what we talked about, and that he'd been really drunk. I couldn't even get him to agree to have LUNCH with me or a cup of coffee, if I was flying all the way home! He just kept saying "It's fine, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to be bothered, Jessica, I really, really must refuse. I will not see you. " I got pretty upset, to say the least. he just kept repeating that over and over again, and how he SHOULDN'T have called, etc.

While it's not unlike Sandy to be intractable and difficult, this is not the person I know. He explained it away by saying he's had it with everyone always asking how he's doing. I said, "Well, you sound awful and you're not acting like you, and maybe it's from concern. " He said he felt like everyone's concern was a burden and an indictment about how he wasn't capable of handling anything on his own, and disrespectful. I listened to this rant for awhile, and then he went off on how it's all about everyone else, he's been such a nice guy for too long and no one ever want to be good to him, so why should be bother anymore? I said, "San, I'm trying to be here for you now. " I guess I wasn't offering to be there in the way he wanted, ( which was to be left alone by EVERYONE right now), so he said AGAIN how he should NEVER have called.

Finally, kinda lost it, and I said that I didn't understand why he WOULDN'T have called, why I wouldn't need to know about this sort of thing, and that for being drunk, he had been quite a wreck anyway, understandable after what he'd been through . All he said was, "There's nothing wrong. There's no problem." I thought this was a scary amount of denial OR a ploy to get me not to come. After another few go 'rounds like this, he and him refusing to even allow me to meet him for lunch or even for COFFEE, I started to cry and then he said, "You keep telling me all about what I've been through. It's nothing, Jessica! It's not a big deal!!"

I decided to try and break through. I asked,"Sandy, where is Sanja?" and he answered , "In Scotland. Why are you asking?" I said, "She's not dead?" "DEAD?!?! WHAT?"

He remembers nothing of the story he told me last night. Nothing. Not a thing. And claims it was all fiction. And then went into a panic about what the hell happened to him. Did someone slip something into his drink? He'd been pretty drunk and he'd really only intended to yell at me -- about the message I left him 3 or 4 months ago saying, "Sandy, if you've moved to Glasgow and not gotten in contact, I'm gonna be pretty upset. " (Remember that he was going to go to move to be with Sanja and was waiting out his visa, but things were getting tense with her and so on the last he and I spoke. He still wanted me to come and visit-- he was going to send a ticket-- but then he disappeared for 7 months. I had left several messages for him that were worried, and no answer. Finally I left that one, and then he called two nights ago. If he hadn't I had planned to call his dad and ask what had happened in a few days). He said we ended up talking for awhile but he had no idea about what, and when I told him, he freaked out.

I said, "So you can see why I wanted to come there so badly."He said, "Of course. Yes, now I get it!"
I said, "Sandy, I just took a week off of work and bought a non-refundable plane ticket. $400 I don't have. "
He said, "I know, I know, I know. Im sorry."
I said, "Now, I'm still coming home, and we can sort this out. Will you at least do me the favor of meeting me for coffee at least?"

Him: Absolutely not. I can't.I dont want to be bothered right now. I'm still in the same place I was in when you called before you told me all of this-- I don't want to see anyone. I'm working 100 hrs a week because the lady who owns the bar is sick, and I'm sick ( with a cold), and I'm burnt. I just want to be left alone.
Me: WHAT???? YOu can't be bothered? You just put me through one of the most horrible 24 hours of my life, and now its not true, and while I am also worried as to what could have happened to you,you're saying you don't even wanna see me? Not to mention I go 7 months without hearing from you, thinking you'd moved to Europe, and the best you got is that " No, I wasn't in this terrible incident, but I just got busy and stressed out"???
Him: That's not the point, Jessica! The point is-- what the hell happened to me???
Me: Well that's one of many points, all of which are highly relevant here.

And it all went downhill from there. It ended by Roy hearing my crying and sayng, "Honey, I think you need to stop now" because we were arguing in circles. So I said, "Shannon, I have to go." And hung up . I texted him that he owes me $400 (+my mailing addy). And that he should let me know what happened, if he figured it out. Now I owe Roy $400. Roy doesn't care, bless him, and sat and talked to me for an hour. He said, "It's possible that he really did have something happen to him, Jessie. But for him to not even want to meet wth you after all you've been through now? That's just OFF. Not only that, it's wrong. Something is wrong. Are you sure he's not ON drugs?"

Frankly,I don't know. And there's no way to find out for sure. I don't know what's been going on for 7 fucking months, and as a more suspiscious friend put it, there was not a damned thing in the news ( she had checked around, Googled it, everything. My father and R confirmed the same. ). No news reports and no proof. Nothing.

It's almost irrelevant now what happened. I just have a friend who first of all, didn't contact me for an unbelievable amount of time when I was set to go see him before he left for Scotland for good, THEN when he does, is so wasted he tells me this whopper that sets me off in a tailspin, costs me a helluva a price tag, and then STILL has not word one to say about it in terms of what it has cost our friendship. I'd like to think I'll be getting $400 in the mail, but I'm not counting on it. I'd like to think it will all come around in the end, but I am not counting on that either.

I'm mortified. Absolutely embarrassed beyond humilated. AND out a week of work, AND eventually, $400. And a piece of my sanity.

Obviously, I'm not going home. I called my parents to explain to them what had happened and that I hadn't made a decision about coming home or not-- I had wanted to intercede with Shannon and see what the hell was REALLY wrong that he would a.) behave like this and/or b.) refuse to see me, see if I could talk to his family,and see what THEY thought, etc. But I was torn about the decision-- I'm so anxious, shakey and exhausted I haven't been able to function properly for over 48 hours, not to mention: I have no contact info for his family, I suspect it would only get uglier with Shannon,and my gut was just begging me to stay here. Then, once my father got on the phone , he absolutely hit it when he heard this whole story. My dad, as I have repeatedly said, does NOT handle drama or emotional issues well, and his first defense is to get pissed. Well, cue him about snapping my head off for being so foolish and getting so fucking mad at Shannon, and I just started yelling back....ugh. I so inherited his temper, and while when I was younger I was always too intimidated to get into it with him, NOW I am not. And I wasn't in a place to hear the sighing and the recrimination; as if I wasn't doing that to myself already?

In the end, though, we reasoned it out: if I went home now, I'd likely be really only worse than I am right now. I'd be more upset, more disappointed, and foisting more stress on everyone around me. He suggested that I call the airline and try to get a partial refund to pay Rick back, and if that doesn't work, to put it aside to come home for MYSELF when I want to. It felt better to me than the other option ( of going) and while NOTHING feels right right now, I decided to commit to it, since it was safe and a healthier choice.

As for everything else, well.....I am so totally humiliated. I know friends will be kind, but what will I tell work, for the love of god? I can't get my shifts back, but I do know that I need a few days off anyway. I guess I'll call and explain that he refused to see me, is mentally unstable and if they need me to cover anything at the end of the week, to let me know.

But overall, I'm just bushwacked. I'm really, really fucked up over this. And tired of my life being a magnet for addicts and liars and weirdos. I shouldn't believe outrageous stories- I got it. But please rememeber I have known this man since he was 15, and I've seen him through everything. His family is absolutely above reproach, and untill this point, I've trusted him like MY own family. And there was no reason to not to believe him-- I mean, in retrospect, it sounds so crazy, right? But in my life, truth has often been more fucked up than I could ever make fiction-- and no, I'm not exaggerating for dramatic effect--and I live in the Weirdness Capital of the US, so I see jacked up things all the time.

I don't know, I suppose my imagination is bigger than life, and my compassion is far to easy to procure. I haven't decided. I suspect the shrink and I will be working this one out for awhile. So try to spare me any finger wagging, and I will apologize for any angst this caused you along the way.