I'm writing here to note for the record the looming sense of dread I have at going in to work tonight. I just have this sense something's going to happen and I'm not going to be happy about it. I'm not talking about getting stuck in Kids on a Saturday, ( although that would sucks), I'm talking about like, something nasty and interpersonal.
Maybe it's just fear, since the last time I worked I got caught up in some craptacular workplace gossip cycle that made me want to scream, "I GRADUATED from high school, people!!!" It seems At HB's Halloween party last week ( last week? Gawd, it seems like ages ago. I'm so getting old....) he hooked up with some girl we work with. I figured that out that NIGHT, since I noticed some sketchy body language, but I doubt anyone else did, and I didn't say anything. NOTHING. Why would I?
At any rate, I was making conversation with Girl about the party and I asked if she was sober enough to make it home safely ( she was super hammered). She got all pissed off and stormed off and then went off on me about me being all up in her business, basically calling me a nosy bitch without outright saying it. I was flummoxed, since, really, I already figured out her big secret and I was sincerely only making that standard post-party conversation that you might with anyone ( and already HAD with other people!). If there was something that happened, so be it, and I don't want to know the details! I was hella pissed, but I let it go. I didn't want to seem like a nosy bitch by pursuing trying to fix it further.
But HB apparently confided in some idiot at work he thinks is trustworthy, who decided to taunt me with some sort of "I know something. Do you know something?" conversation. I was like, "I don't know anything for sure. Do you want to say something or do you want to keep playing this game???" Of course, the answer was the latter. Forget it, asshole.
It's obvious she's worried it's going to get around, but you know what? I didn't start it. Tell your bed partner to think about who he confides in, and when someone is making casual conversation with you, don't lose your shit. Why? It looks WEIRD, and then people start wondering. And when people start wondering, that's when your privacy isn't so private anymore.
As for me, I took the opportunity to inform Mr. Mouth that if he wanted to spread some gossip or send anything back to HB, that it should be this: Yeah, he's hot. If he had met me a year ago, I wouldn't have cared that he's also a MESS ( a hot mess, LOL-- oh, I crack myself up sometimes--) and probably made efforts to lay him myself. But upon some careful examination, I realize the only thing he's capable of is trying to keep his head above water, not a relationship on the level I want one. So if people-- including himself, who was obviously baiting me, and Girl, who had a defensive reaction ( both of which were probably based in part on thinking I still wanted him for myself)--are thinking I've still got designs on the man, they are wrong. And that next time, I'll hook an RSS feed up to my head so I can give people I work with updates on my internal love life.
And HB, for the record, spent that shift being exceptionally NICE to me, so notably nice I thought he'd been hit in the head by a large object. When I was complaining that evening that I was going to be stuck in the store while election results were coming in, and our new ASM chimed in, he spent the night watching tv and calling the store with results. (Even AFTER I called him "Mr. Existential Crisis" for not caring who won himself, since he couldn't vote in this state. Granted, I'm not sure he understood that/heard me, but he didn't have to make the effort, regardless.) Maybe he's got a man-crush on our new ASM, or was feeling chraitable in general, or getting laid/a blowjob/whatever put him in a better mood for once? Whatever, I was just grateful and thanked him later.
Gawd, the whole thing is stupid and exhausting. Incestuous and childish. Tiresome.
How I feel privately inside, and what I didn't say was that, yeah, I was jealous. For a day. But I was jealous IN PRIVATE, at home, and away from work. And then I thought about it, and thought, well, it's not me who's going to clean up that mess-- and there will be one!-- after an ill-advised tryst. I've been there. And that at least I'm old enough now to know that just because you waaaaaaaaaant something, doesn't mean it's best for you, and you should maybe choose otherwise. While for few minutes there I was like, "What's the MATTER with MEEEEEE????" I realized that , frankly, if I would have been approached thusly, while I would like to think I have enough self-control to resist, I would have been hard-pressed to do so. My ridiculously out-of-porportion crushy-ness and lust haven't gone away. I've just gotten wiser about pursuing them. But that doesn't mean you go walking in the candy factory when you're on a diet, KWIM??!?!? So I'm glad it didn't turn out that way. How awful that would have been. Probably not awful in the moment ( no, I seriously doubt THAT) but in that "I just woke up from a serious binge covered in candy wrappers and am so disappointed in myself" way.
Plus, Mr. Mouth enligtened me that HB does know of The Crushy-ness ( to which I said, "Oh, and who told him THAT?" I swear, I've learned my lesson about opening my mouth at work. Clearly I was having some sort of seizure that took me back to my 17-year old self and my then-inability to control my impulses. I pondered later that evening the last time I had a crush-- on someone in real life!-- and it was 10 years ago (!) so I also had the insight that a.) I'm obviously seriously out of practice with it and b.) that when that happens, I apparently lose all ability to keep quiet, both of which I should attempt to remember from now on. ). That was at first unsettling to me, but then I thought, "Oh, fuck it." And then I thought, "I was RIGHT. I knew he was trying to blow me off because of that. Trust your gut, Julie." Saying you're an asshole? Not like it was a lie, but obviously, there WAS more to the picture, and perhaps it also included trying to really hard to get me to run in the other direction ( apparently, he told Mr. Mouth that he didn't want to lead me on since he's "a wreck right now and not good for anyone"). That stings, but if that's as good as you can get it, well, what. Ever. Better this way, for everyone, anyhoo.
Everyone should have the grace of understanding when they're not wanted, and move on to people who DO want them. Easier said than done. By a longshot. But I just keep reminding myself of what a very wickedly smart and smart-mouthed teacher once said in class ( appropos of what, I can't recall): "You want to know the first thing you should look for in a partner? They should want the job. If they don't want it and you have to twist yourself around to get their attention or affection, they don't want you, and it's not real."
Never truer words spoken, Dr. M. I really can't contest the veracity of that rhetoric! ( He was my rhetoric teacher. Oh, the irony, I know, LOL!)
It's amazing to me how I get shaken by this kind of stuff. I'm way too sensitive, and I think I need to get a bigger life so it doesn't take up so much of my time.
And I love my job and I love my coworkers, but I gotta realize so many of them are a.) at least ten years younger and b.)living in this tiny snakepit of an environment where all matters of this ilk get sort of blown up and not handled with the greatest of maturity. I'd like to think when I was 27/28/29 I was better off......but not really. And any younger than that, well, we all know what science says about your synaptic function prior to 23 in terms of impulse control and judgement ( it ain't all there). I've realized most of my nicest friends from there are mostly over 30 and if they're not, they're incredibly careful and decent people, and go out of their way to avoid conflict ( but who have also retained the best parts of being young: vibrant and silly and surreal and wills to be weird just for the hell of it). Funny how much we miss our youth before we have a startling moment like this to jog our memories right back into the parts of it we SO do NOT want back, and had outgrown the need for without our even realizing it was happening!
Anyway, if tonight is more of the same, I may just fake a stomach cramp and go home. Or hide in the stacks and not talk to anyone. I really don't have the energy for High School Confidential, Part II.
This post brought to you by My Internal 17-Year Old, and the Disney Channel ( I watched a special on the Jonas Brothers today out of sheer curiousity and am now regretting it.). We now return to regular, grown-up programming. Such as it is or ever was....!
Maybe it's just fear, since the last time I worked I got caught up in some craptacular workplace gossip cycle that made me want to scream, "I GRADUATED from high school, people!!!" It seems At HB's Halloween party last week ( last week? Gawd, it seems like ages ago. I'm so getting old....) he hooked up with some girl we work with. I figured that out that NIGHT, since I noticed some sketchy body language, but I doubt anyone else did, and I didn't say anything. NOTHING. Why would I?
At any rate, I was making conversation with Girl about the party and I asked if she was sober enough to make it home safely ( she was super hammered). She got all pissed off and stormed off and then went off on me about me being all up in her business, basically calling me a nosy bitch without outright saying it. I was flummoxed, since, really, I already figured out her big secret and I was sincerely only making that standard post-party conversation that you might with anyone ( and already HAD with other people!). If there was something that happened, so be it, and I don't want to know the details! I was hella pissed, but I let it go. I didn't want to seem like a nosy bitch by pursuing trying to fix it further.
But HB apparently confided in some idiot at work he thinks is trustworthy, who decided to taunt me with some sort of "I know something. Do you know something?" conversation. I was like, "I don't know anything for sure. Do you want to say something or do you want to keep playing this game???" Of course, the answer was the latter. Forget it, asshole.
It's obvious she's worried it's going to get around, but you know what? I didn't start it. Tell your bed partner to think about who he confides in, and when someone is making casual conversation with you, don't lose your shit. Why? It looks WEIRD, and then people start wondering. And when people start wondering, that's when your privacy isn't so private anymore.
As for me, I took the opportunity to inform Mr. Mouth that if he wanted to spread some gossip or send anything back to HB, that it should be this: Yeah, he's hot. If he had met me a year ago, I wouldn't have cared that he's also a MESS ( a hot mess, LOL-- oh, I crack myself up sometimes--) and probably made efforts to lay him myself. But upon some careful examination, I realize the only thing he's capable of is trying to keep his head above water, not a relationship on the level I want one. So if people-- including himself, who was obviously baiting me, and Girl, who had a defensive reaction ( both of which were probably based in part on thinking I still wanted him for myself)--are thinking I've still got designs on the man, they are wrong. And that next time, I'll hook an RSS feed up to my head so I can give people I work with updates on my internal love life.
And HB, for the record, spent that shift being exceptionally NICE to me, so notably nice I thought he'd been hit in the head by a large object. When I was complaining that evening that I was going to be stuck in the store while election results were coming in, and our new ASM chimed in, he spent the night watching tv and calling the store with results. (Even AFTER I called him "Mr. Existential Crisis" for not caring who won himself, since he couldn't vote in this state. Granted, I'm not sure he understood that/heard me, but he didn't have to make the effort, regardless.) Maybe he's got a man-crush on our new ASM, or was feeling chraitable in general, or getting laid/a blowjob/whatever put him in a better mood for once? Whatever, I was just grateful and thanked him later.
Gawd, the whole thing is stupid and exhausting. Incestuous and childish. Tiresome.
How I feel privately inside, and what I didn't say was that, yeah, I was jealous. For a day. But I was jealous IN PRIVATE, at home, and away from work. And then I thought about it, and thought, well, it's not me who's going to clean up that mess-- and there will be one!-- after an ill-advised tryst. I've been there. And that at least I'm old enough now to know that just because you waaaaaaaaaant something, doesn't mean it's best for you, and you should maybe choose otherwise. While for few minutes there I was like, "What's the MATTER with MEEEEEE????" I realized that , frankly, if I would have been approached thusly, while I would like to think I have enough self-control to resist, I would have been hard-pressed to do so. My ridiculously out-of-porportion crushy-ness and lust haven't gone away. I've just gotten wiser about pursuing them. But that doesn't mean you go walking in the candy factory when you're on a diet, KWIM??!?!? So I'm glad it didn't turn out that way. How awful that would have been. Probably not awful in the moment ( no, I seriously doubt THAT) but in that "I just woke up from a serious binge covered in candy wrappers and am so disappointed in myself" way.
Plus, Mr. Mouth enligtened me that HB does know of The Crushy-ness ( to which I said, "Oh, and who told him THAT?" I swear, I've learned my lesson about opening my mouth at work. Clearly I was having some sort of seizure that took me back to my 17-year old self and my then-inability to control my impulses. I pondered later that evening the last time I had a crush-- on someone in real life!-- and it was 10 years ago (!) so I also had the insight that a.) I'm obviously seriously out of practice with it and b.) that when that happens, I apparently lose all ability to keep quiet, both of which I should attempt to remember from now on. ). That was at first unsettling to me, but then I thought, "Oh, fuck it." And then I thought, "I was RIGHT. I knew he was trying to blow me off because of that. Trust your gut, Julie." Saying you're an asshole? Not like it was a lie, but obviously, there WAS more to the picture, and perhaps it also included trying to really hard to get me to run in the other direction ( apparently, he told Mr. Mouth that he didn't want to lead me on since he's "a wreck right now and not good for anyone"). That stings, but if that's as good as you can get it, well, what. Ever. Better this way, for everyone, anyhoo.
Everyone should have the grace of understanding when they're not wanted, and move on to people who DO want them. Easier said than done. By a longshot. But I just keep reminding myself of what a very wickedly smart and smart-mouthed teacher once said in class ( appropos of what, I can't recall): "You want to know the first thing you should look for in a partner? They should want the job. If they don't want it and you have to twist yourself around to get their attention or affection, they don't want you, and it's not real."
Never truer words spoken, Dr. M. I really can't contest the veracity of that rhetoric! ( He was my rhetoric teacher. Oh, the irony, I know, LOL!)
It's amazing to me how I get shaken by this kind of stuff. I'm way too sensitive, and I think I need to get a bigger life so it doesn't take up so much of my time.
And I love my job and I love my coworkers, but I gotta realize so many of them are a.) at least ten years younger and b.)living in this tiny snakepit of an environment where all matters of this ilk get sort of blown up and not handled with the greatest of maturity. I'd like to think when I was 27/28/29 I was better off......but not really. And any younger than that, well, we all know what science says about your synaptic function prior to 23 in terms of impulse control and judgement ( it ain't all there). I've realized most of my nicest friends from there are mostly over 30 and if they're not, they're incredibly careful and decent people, and go out of their way to avoid conflict ( but who have also retained the best parts of being young: vibrant and silly and surreal and wills to be weird just for the hell of it). Funny how much we miss our youth before we have a startling moment like this to jog our memories right back into the parts of it we SO do NOT want back, and had outgrown the need for without our even realizing it was happening!
Anyway, if tonight is more of the same, I may just fake a stomach cramp and go home. Or hide in the stacks and not talk to anyone. I really don't have the energy for High School Confidential, Part II.
This post brought to you by My Internal 17-Year Old, and the Disney Channel ( I watched a special on the Jonas Brothers today out of sheer curiousity and am now regretting it.). We now return to regular, grown-up programming. Such as it is or ever was....!
posted by Jessica @ 3:02 PM
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