Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Nothing real new to report. Money is so tight I can barely breathe. I am rather frantically trying to figure out what the hell to do, since I won't be paid from Literacy Job untill Nov.5 at the earliest, which is only an extra bit a week.

I don't recall if I mentioned Literacy Job in all the bullshit that's been flying around, but basically I supervise what we call "Power Lunches" at a local grade school. During 3/4/5th grader lunch times, we pair at-risk kids up with a mentor, usually someone who's a professional or a senior citizen, who will give the kids a perspective on a different set of life choices. Nothing is said, but the example is there, KWIM? Anyway, the adult and the kid read together in the library, have this nice friendship, and the kids' skills go up, too. It's a nice deal. I only am needed 3 days a week for 3 hours, and so it's super easy. I really love the program; I just wish it loved my checking account more.

And, I am totally pissed that I spent all of Sept and now most of Oct waiting for this Job of Great Promise to make up their minds, and of course they havent. I applied to be Director of Religious Education at a local UU Church ( which would be PERFECT for me, since I AM UU and I HAVE a degree, I've WORKED in education...need I go on? Plus it pays Big Money and is freelance ( I work from home every day but Sunday)! Needless to say, I WANT IT. It is MY JOB. MY JOB!!! (:: Bangs podium like Amy Poehler doing Hillary Clinton:: ) Ahem.
Anyway, since they're a church with no central governing body, everything is decided via committee. They interveiwed me, I came up for services, I met the pastor, ( who LOVED me, thankyouverymuch), I told them ideas I had for the program, they called all my fantastic references and.....nothing. I had to call my contact with them last week and she sounded like I bothering her. I said only, "I'm just calling to check on your progress; I hadn't heard anything in awhile. Did you make a decision, and if not, will you be notifying all the candidates when you do?" She said, "Oh, we're still interviewing. We're going to take our time about this. We'll be sure to let you know what we decide when we decide."

Oh, thanks, lady. It's almost NOVEMBER and we all just have all the time in the frickin' world to wait around while you people dither over this. I know, I know; it's an important position, and they have every right to take their time.

But see, here's the deal: I know how UU, Unitarians , Ethical Societies, et al, work. They squabble and pick and whine about every niggling detail on things in committee after committee untill the whole thing has been worked over and cobwebs are starting to form around the chairs. Since my job won't involve that kind of bullshit TOO much, that's fine. But cheeseandrice, people, get OVER it. Nothing is going to be exactly what you want. Make a decision and MOVE ON. And furthermore, let everyone involved MOVE ON, too. ARGH! You're supposed to be all about ethical action and social justice and peace in the world, but you're driving me to a bell tower with a sawed off shotgun. Come ON, now. Do you really expect us all to wait in this economy untill you've haggled over every liberal nugget of PC consideration? Aren't you supposed to be about COMPASSION TOWARD ALL OTHERS?? WTF?

Makes me wanna tear my hair out.

In other news, I saw H Boy at work today, gave him a big hug and I gotta tell ya, he looks like hammered hell. Not on the outside-- he looks actually slightly better than he did before he left ( I guess mom decided to feed the poor boy when he was home; he was so skinny and looking rough as hell when I saw him last, I kept wanting to offer him a plate of mac n' cheese and directions to the Salvation Army. Yeah, he was looking THAT ragged.)

But I looked into his eyes today when I had him to myself for a minute and it was nothing but pure exhaustion and despair. I almost literally felt the waves of depresssion and fatigue coming off of him. He said it's one day at a time right now, and that every work shift is something he barely gets through and then goes home and collapses. I felt so bad I didn't know what to say. I just said, no one expects anything more right now.But promise me if you need something you'll call me. He looked at me and kinda shook his head, and said, yeah. Thanks.

I could tell that's a call he'd never feel like he could make, and there was no way I could explain all the ways I would SO be okay with getting it and all the ways I've had this kind of loss and pain myself, and can so relate and could maybe even help. It just isn't in our common dialogue yet, and damn, I wish it were. I can't stand to see him suffer like that.It was acutely sad, and..yeah.

At any rate, if he's this bad, I cant imagine his parents. I'm pretty sure his brother was the only one left at home, and now they have nothing. I guess I would say that that commonly held belief is likely true: the funeral is the easier parts of burying someone. Everyone is around and its all a blur. When life settles back into the day to day it all become acutely painful and families are often left alone to struggle through because people don't want to "bother " them. And its true-- people need their time to cocoon. Still, a call now and again just to say hello and we're thinking of you cannot do anything but be a nice gesture....I don't know how I'm going to accomplish that on this end, since we are sort of friends but really not, but I am going to try. That boy is a walking ghost.

Signing off for now....