Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

So far this summer in Los Angeles, we've been unnaturally blessed with relatively cool weather. Far be it for me to understand the complex meterological reasons why, but let's just say I'm really fucking glad. As I have explained countless times prior to this post, I loathe hot weather and really, really, truly DO have documented medical disorder that explains my rapid change in mood and need to withdraw into cool dark places during the heat of the summer. I'm not really just a whiner or a nut. ( Well, I may indeed be a whiner and a nut; you're dealing with a person who doesn't like her food to touch on the plate, who pre-treats all her socks before laundering for maxium white potential, and has purchased many, many eyeshadows in basically the same color for no apparent reason. However, THIS topic is does not fall into that realm, I swear.) So, I've been really pleased that admist this Summer of Doom and Gloom, I can at least count on the weather to be reasonable and assist me in my quest to feel a little lighter.

Untill lately. I guess we all knew it was coming- it's not like you can't have a few real scorchers in this season, after all. Who has ever heard of a summer being COMPLETELY mild? And in Southern CA? I rest my case. So, now, as summer comes to a close it manages to rile itself up for one last kick, just to show it can.

And it's been doing a bang-up job at just that. Last weekend I went to a wedding reception in the beachy area of LA, way south and way out of the Lost Pocket of Hell that is the Valley in the summer. Unfortunately, though, it was barely 10 degrees cooler closer to the water, which is pretty farking sad. Tonight, it was 90 at 9pmish , with a slow drop to 77 around 11:30, and is presently holding steady at 71 with "smokey" air conditions ( something is on fire nearby , of course; what would a summer in LA BE without something being on fire?). It's not a stretch to say it's getting pretty miserable around these parts.....

In light of all these recent developments, I composed this letter to my friend Sophia (a little backstory: Soph is currently working 12-16hr days at her job and not available to socialize til she resurfaces from the deluge), begging for her possible assistance:

To: Sophia Martin at {email address}

RE: The etiquette of a selfish request

Dear Ms. Martin:

It has come to my attention that your work load and schedule leave you unable for casual socializing. While I find this regretful and look forward to a later time when we might meet, I must confess a certain desperate desire that only YOU can fufill. Yes, only you....

In short, I lust after your pool.

I know its incredibly rude to ask a friend if you can use their recreational facilities without their attendance; it implies a sort of disregard for their company and an opportunism in the friendship based on shallow material values. Thusly, I want to impress upon you my preference for you company over you material acquistions or access to luxurious facilities. Recall I have been your friend when you did not have a pool and will continue to be your friend should you become, shall we say, pool-less.

In the meantime however, I want to strike a deal.

You're busy, and certainly on the run with your eating schedule, and likely vitamin deficient from all the stress. I am NOT working at this time and would be more than happy to make a few vegetarian meals and freeze them for you convience as a hot nourishing meal after a hard day. In fact, I have two or three in my freezer RIGHT NOW that would probably suit you well. I am willing to trade these offerings for use of your pool.

I realize this offer may sound strange. But understand I am of fair, Irish stock, and the recent increase in heat has me languishing.( I have been officially diganosed with summer SAD in recent years, so there is a medical component! ). I NEED the water. I prevail upon your good nature, therefore to consider my offer and allow a mutually beneficial exchange to occur.

Thank you for your time in considering this matter; I look forward to your response.


Jessca A. White

Yes, I know. I KNOW, I KNOW I KNOW. Techinically, this makes me a rude, rude friend, even though I couched my request in the most formal of manner, ( intending to make her laugh) and am offering a trade-off in the bargain. But GAWD, what I wouldn't give for a pool right now! I'd suck it up and drive to the beach, but everyone and their dog will be there, plus, I always manage to get sick ( like nauseated, dizzy and itchy) after swimming in that water ( and that's not me being whiny and weird, either. Depending on where you go, it's pretty much an icky fact of life around here that you just can't trust the water....). No one else I know has a pool. Ron and Roy have a jacuzzi and I am certain that I would be welcome to head their way, but a.) jacuzzi = hot water = not refreshing in 90 degree weather, PLUS, b.) Ron has
whooping cough ( no, REALLY. Don't ask me. I have no idea how or why.) which is contagious and lasts for 4-6 weeks.

Of course, I've considered hoofing it up to Kmart, buying one of those inflatable 2' deep kiddie pools and filling it up. But do I really WANT a kiddie pool in my yard for the rest of the year, collecting dirt and all manner of debris just for a 2 week reprieve from the heat? I don't know....

Rest assured, though, I'm going to man up and do what I have to do: I'm going to be going out to the store tomorrow ( after dark, of course), buying some slushy icy drink mixes, some watermelon, and a whole slew of magazines. I'll be hiding in my dark, air-conditioned bedroom watching reruns of "Project Runway" and "True Blood", waiting for this thing to blow over. Don't even bother calling me during the daylight hours unless it dips lower than 65. Ms. White is officially on leave until further notice.....unless you have a pool, of course. ;)