Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Fell off the wagon today.

....yup, I cyberstalked.

Did I explain here that I had read this awesome -and yet a tad silly book by Greg Behrendt and his wife called It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken ? He also wrote He's Just NoThat Into You-- the title of which comes from that famous "Sex and the City episode where all the girls are trying to get into some recent jackass man's head to decode jackass behavior, and Carrie's boyfriend expedites it all with the actual truth,( Insert Title Here. Apparently Mr. Berhendt was a consultant on that show and came up with the whole catch phrase and in the book he explains why. It's also awesome and a little silly, but very uplifting, somehow. His main message : that you, wonderful girl that you are, should not waste your time trying to pursue men who are not worthy of your awesomeness. Which is hard to remember when you're feeling dumped or confused, so hence the books.) In it, he talks about all the stupid, awful parts about breaking up with someone, including all the stupid, self-defeating crap we do when we're hurting, like Romanticize the Past ( check), Mope Uncontrollably (check) ; Drive Your Friends Crazy By Always Being on The Topic Of The Breakup (not yet, but sure to arrive eventually) and of course, Calling, Emailing and Stalking, Just To "See" How They Are ( Read: Are They Over Me Yet?.... and check.) On the last one, he advises a very wise 60-day detox from the Person, or contacting them, or even just trying to find out how/ what they're doing.

I decided last week to enact this wise bit of advice, and it was a relief. Granted, it's made a bit easier on me, since my Person of Interest is out of the country, will be til Christmas, and is absolutely unreachable by phone.

Ah, but then, there is the Evil That Is MySpace. Urgh.

It's like High School for Grown-Ups . You have your page, and your "Friends", which you're supposed to rank in order of some sort of importance, and all manner of other means designed to help you meet/network/communicate with people. And it's the End of Maturity As We Know It, because LIKE high school, you can gossip, and leave "comments" or remove them, or just stop being someone's "Friend" and all kinds of stupid crap that you thought you left behind at 16. What's really awful is that you can fall into believing that it's reality, or it means more than it might, when in fact, you are actually just dealing with a computer screen, and nothing more, and the drama that ensues from it is thusly even MORE ridiculous than what you've ever seen in high school.
(And OF COURSE, you can check who a Person *might* be leaving comments for, and who leaves comments for them, and view their new pictures, and blah blah blah, ad infinitum, all the stuff you need to NOT do to get on with your fucking life. A few days after Anthony and I split up, I went to his page and saw that he was all flirty flirty with other girls. I had a TOTAL meltdown. Crying, wanting to email him demanding answers, etc, the whole nine. It took R, Sassy and two other friends to talk me off of THAT ledge. It's Evil, I tell you. Evil!!!)

I decided to just not GO into MySpace anymore, and avoid temptation altogether. Like I said, it was a relief. And I was doing well, too.

Except I woke up on some strange side of the bed today, ( the one I've been trying to get out of, and only recently succeeding) and just HAD to go look.


I know; bad, Jessica, bad. Why? I dunno....I guess I was feeling like I wanted to know how he was taking things over there at MySpace, if he was still acting like All That In Pants or Not, and you know what?

While being a bit emotional and weird ( and embarassing, frankly, to feel so little willpower), it was actually enlightening. I saw that he is posting sorta "hey sexxxxaaaaay" pics of himself, and while I didn't need to see THOSE ( have those on a rotating slide show in my head), I saw that he is flirting a bit with some chicas ( but still, nothing serious, just nonsense), but I also saw him trying, and trying hard to be moving on. Which in a weird way ( after I cried a little) helps me let go even more. Not because I was mad, or thought "what a fucker" or had another meltdown, either.

Does that make sense?

Probably not, just bear with me. I saw these pictures of him, and remembered all the reasons I loved him, and why it was so hard to leave when it was becoming so obvious that it wasn't working. Given that I've been beating myself up alot for not being stronger, having that visceral of a reaction was good to feel as a reminder. I felt so strongly connected to this man, and it was really not in the realm of logical, or anything reasonable. It was a good thing, a spiritual thing, and he felt it too. Add that with having unbelievable chemistry and him just being my favorite person to talk to, it was hard to unhook. While that was sad ( really sad) to recall, it also helped me grieve it more honestly, and let go a little more. Weird, huh?

I'm not very good at the whole date/breakup thing, woefully inexperienced at handling it well. At each stage of the game I need to be coached as to what to do next....and not have a meltdown. But seeing him making the attempt, encourages me to do the same and understand HOW we move on is not always as important as the fact that we do. Granted, I don't want to end up a wreck in my next relationship so I'm trying hard to move on with help and therapy and support. But I'm realizing maybe I can do it. I CAN do it. Sans the Big Awful Drama Terribleness of A Major Meltdown That Stops My Life.

AND, finally, it reinforced something I already knew: how he chooses to move on is something I don't get to comment on ( even though I gotta say: flirting with other girls? Groan, eye roll, so inappropriate!). It's none of my damned business, actually, and there's a reason for that. Fortunately, that goes both ways.

Which is why I'm so *over* stalking anymore. I know all I need to know, and I knew it already, inside myself anyway. The rest is just gravy. We know what we know when we need to-- and are ready to know it-- compulsions be damned. Life is so much easier when we just flow like that and resist controlling so much.

Letting go, in all sorts of ways, big and small. Very crucial, I remembered today.

Which isn't to say that it's so great and peachy.

It's hard. It sucks. I miss him, and then I really get mad at him. And then I feel better for awhile. It's only been two weeks (!) so I know it will improve. I'm much better than I was ( I got out of bed alot and went places and did productive things this week!) And I wish it wasn't this way. Totally. But it is, and even though I don't have to like it, I do have to accept it, and so forth and so on.
It is what it is. And all we (I) can do is try to accept it and live with it. And still keep moving.

Which is what I'm trying to do. Maybe I am doing a little better than I think- this slipup not included. I'd like to think so. I really hate it when people say stupid crap to me like "oh you're so strong, and this will only make you stronger ( KWIM, Sassy? LOL! I know you hate that too)!" Like, yeah, asshole, I WANTED to have to suffer so I could get even stronger. YAY! Woo-hoo! Bring it on! I feel so much better now!
Still, it would be a nice perk out of this loss lately that I learn something new and good, and not just "how to be strong". I already KNOW that. But "how to keep your life together when everything around you is falling apart and you feel like ultra crap", well, that might be cool. Which isn't to say I failed when I couldn't before; not at all. This is a different time and circumstances have changed and all the rest. Still, it would feel pretty good to have knocked one big pile o' loss down and eventually stomped right over it for once and not have it knock ME over and have to get up from the bottom again.

I hope that I can do that. I hope I'm given what it takes to be able to do that. I hope I have the strength and the compassion for myself and others to be able to do that. I pray for that. If you're praying too, maybe you can lob a few my way, too, okay?

Because that sure would be cool. It sure would be cool.
Amen. And Blessed Be.