Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Anthony and I are over. For good. He wanted a break- a real one. We were causing each other too much pain, he said, and he is so overwhelmed with pain everyday where he is now. It's true.

As much as he needed to be free from me and the attendant drama in our relationship, I think he also wanted me to be free from him. He's so consumed with war and suffering.

And me?

Well, it's relief and sorrow. A bit of "what next?" He wasn't clear that this was forever-- it's clear to me that he isn't even thinking that far. He's taking the attitude of "if she meets someone else, she does, I know this is alot to ask of her. " I am not even ready for that, but I am pretty sure I need to just treat it like it's done for good. What else can I do? I can't be with him while he has this job. It changes who he is. It takes him away so far, geographically and emotionally, from this world I live in every day.

I know I'll see him in December when he comes home. I know it. By that time, things should be very clear. Distance and time served. Maybe we can eventually be friends. Someday.

Right now, just add it to the pile of grief I'm already in. To the pile of the last 2 years, where very little has been anything other than struggle and loss. Hopefully, I will make it to the top of the pile, and pull through.

In time, it will pass and I will get used to it all. Right now, I just cry. I just cry.