OKay, this is about Day 3? 4? Or so ? of hanging out in my pajamas crying. It seems to be all I'm up to these days. Things have been bad. Really, really bad.
It's not just Griffin's death. It's not just losing Anthony. It's also losing my job, which happened on Thursday when I could not seem to pull it together to go in. I wish I could say I'm stronger and I'm better than my problems, but apparently, when I'm under this much stress, I'm just NOT. I couldn't face that hour drive there/hour drive back, and spending all my time talking about war, death, hatred, soldiers, pain....when I had so muchof that actually factoring into my own life. Pretty much all of it, short of a holocaust. Those are a little tough to come by and take a lot of time to put into motion, so I'm able to say that none of that came into play... ha, ha, bad joke. I'm struggling here, so cut me some slack...
I also figured out that on Monday, when I pulled my car over to the side of the road and started crying uncontrollably, on my way to work, that yet another arising issue is that my body isn't working like it should. It's not proccessing my medicine properly during my cycle, and thusly, my bad post-Plan B PMS has begun again. I take my Lexapro for the 5-7 days before my PMS is set to begin, as prescribed by my doctor, and it has not been cutting it. I feel better, probably, than I otherwise might, but I am spiralling into not functioning at all again during those times. I'm crying alot, everything seems worse than it is, and like it will never, ever get better, and that I cannot handle anything at all, and I might crumble if anything else happens.
Add all that together with the stress of fighting and breaking up with someone you really really love, and a recent death, and a job that you desperately need to keep and really want that seems impossible to handle given the circumstances, and well, you get me. I'm not good at all this external stress to begin with, as I do have an illness. Lots of times, I like to think I can hack more than I can, but I'm beginning to realize I can't. And I especially can't when my hormones/chemicals arent' cooperating. Its like asking me to do what might be very very difficult for anyone else, but doing it with one hand tied behind my back.
I'm so tired. What else can I say? I hold on to hope that the "Trifecta" of crap that all my friends insist will have to pass soon becaue "bad things come in threes, Jessie, and it will all be healing from now on"; I hold on to hope that this is the end of a cycle, a terrible, terrible cycle that started so long ago, when I first moved here, when I first had my breakdown here. I have to hope that I can rustle up something, from inside myself, that can get me through this last part, so I can move on, heal, do better, have better for myself.
It's just that I'm so tired. How do I stop being so tired?
It's not just Griffin's death. It's not just losing Anthony. It's also losing my job, which happened on Thursday when I could not seem to pull it together to go in. I wish I could say I'm stronger and I'm better than my problems, but apparently, when I'm under this much stress, I'm just NOT. I couldn't face that hour drive there/hour drive back, and spending all my time talking about war, death, hatred, soldiers, pain....when I had so muchof that actually factoring into my own life. Pretty much all of it, short of a holocaust. Those are a little tough to come by and take a lot of time to put into motion, so I'm able to say that none of that came into play... ha, ha, bad joke. I'm struggling here, so cut me some slack...
I also figured out that on Monday, when I pulled my car over to the side of the road and started crying uncontrollably, on my way to work, that yet another arising issue is that my body isn't working like it should. It's not proccessing my medicine properly during my cycle, and thusly, my bad post-Plan B PMS has begun again. I take my Lexapro for the 5-7 days before my PMS is set to begin, as prescribed by my doctor, and it has not been cutting it. I feel better, probably, than I otherwise might, but I am spiralling into not functioning at all again during those times. I'm crying alot, everything seems worse than it is, and like it will never, ever get better, and that I cannot handle anything at all, and I might crumble if anything else happens.
Add all that together with the stress of fighting and breaking up with someone you really really love, and a recent death, and a job that you desperately need to keep and really want that seems impossible to handle given the circumstances, and well, you get me. I'm not good at all this external stress to begin with, as I do have an illness. Lots of times, I like to think I can hack more than I can, but I'm beginning to realize I can't. And I especially can't when my hormones/chemicals arent' cooperating. Its like asking me to do what might be very very difficult for anyone else, but doing it with one hand tied behind my back.
I'm so tired. What else can I say? I hold on to hope that the "Trifecta" of crap that all my friends insist will have to pass soon becaue "bad things come in threes, Jessie, and it will all be healing from now on"; I hold on to hope that this is the end of a cycle, a terrible, terrible cycle that started so long ago, when I first moved here, when I first had my breakdown here. I have to hope that I can rustle up something, from inside myself, that can get me through this last part, so I can move on, heal, do better, have better for myself.
It's just that I'm so tired. How do I stop being so tired?
posted by Jessica @ 1:13 AM
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