Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Could it be?

Could it be......


Great googly moogly, I think I hear the pitter-patter of tiny droplets on my roof. Considering it hasn't rained for crap this winter, it's nothing short of a miracle. And it needs to KEEP raining for awhile, or else this summer is going to be sheer hell with wildfires all over the place.

I find it amazing that my family and friends back in the Midwest are getting one of the worst winters in years, repeatedly slammed with snow and ice and power outtages, and out here, it's been a balmy 70 degrees off and on all season. ( I'm not trying to gloat. I hate it. It's wrong and weird, even for this place).

Maybe Al Gore was right, and we all need to be worried. Those poor polar bears.....

In other news, I'm recovering from 3 days of absolute chaos: I worked temp for a florist this V-Day. Historically, and not just when I'm bitter from a recent breakup, I really hate Valentine's Day. It's so hokey and contrived and full of crap. Anyway.
I spent mine-- and the two days leading up to it-- making arrangements. Standing for hours on end, wrenching my back, my feet screaming, making mostly tacky, tasteless Teleflora arrangements for delivery. And I cannot count-- even if I tried!-- how many roses I stripped, cut, proccessed and arranged for the Valentine Standard (a dozen roses + greens +filler). And then I went home Wed. night and collapsed.

BUT, as is my way, I'm here to give you fellas a few peices of wisdom, gleaned from my experience, to tuck away for next year:

Jessica's Top 5 Least Romantic Valentine's Day Traditions:

1). Any stuffed animal, especially any bear of any kind hugging anything, playing any musical selection, or wearing some pun about love emblazoned upon its body ( ex: "I love You Beary Much", monkeys that play "Wild Thing", puppies who kiss, etc.). This is not cute. I know you think girls will think this is cute, and they do. When they're 12. After that it becomes something they have to figure out where to put so their friends will not laugh and point but your feelings aren't hurt. Spare her the struggle.

Tip for Posterity: If you can get it at Rite-Aid the night before, she doesn't want it. Or anything like it.

2.) Foil balloons declaring your love/ shaped like lips/exclaiming lewd statements about your sexual appeal. Okay, I'm not against balloons on principle; they're festive and fun and certainly scream "I got a delivery!" to anyone who's within a ten mile radius. However, one or two tasteful, plain, heartshaped red ones will do, thank you. They can even say "Happy Valentine's Day", if they must. But please, think of her co-workers when you decide to send a mass of balloons that say, "I LOVE YOU!" and "SEXY LADY". Nobody else wants to know that much about your relationship.

Tip for Posterity: Remember that episode of "Friends" where Ross gets so jealous of Rachel's handsome new supervisor he floods her workplace with gifts, each one more annoying than the last, thus being the equivalent of pissing in a ring around her desk? Yeah. Don't be that guy.
An additional caveat to ponder: If you're gonna chintz out on the flower arrangement, big guy, don't think that adding a million ballons to it hides that fact. Sending her a bud vase with 3 roses and 6 cheesy balloons attached just makes you look like you don't have any taste. It does not fool her into thinking you actually aren't cheap.

3.) Please remember that when you call a florist, someone else will be writing your card for you. (And more than likely, reading it aloud to the entire staff if something REALLY juicy/stupid comes along. ) It's fine to express yourself here, and please: feel free to tell your girl how much you love her. However, if things get too *ahem* personal, remember that it's not going to be in your handwriting and she'll likely be mortified that floral staff knows how great That Time in Vegas was. By the same token, remember this holiday is about romance ( allegedly). It's not the time to sign the card by your old frat nickname, "Booger", or any some such simliar because you think it's cute. You just need to step away from the keg long enough to come to the realization that if that's the case, you're lucky she's still dating you and you should show your gratitude.

Tip for Posterity: Pretend you're both secret agents and write your message in a code only she will understand. Or, send a poem that reminds you of her. The general public doesn't mind a declaration of love, it just resents knowing all the gory details. ( Unless you already have paparazzi stalking you. In which case, we'll go ahead and buy that copy of "Us Weekly").
An additional caveat to ponder: If you're thinking she'll know who sent stuff even if you don't specify a card, you're very, very wrong. It will just piss her off later when she has to call the florist to find out it was you.

4.) A rose is not a rose by any other name, seriously. Ol' Bill had it wrong there, because a rose by any other name is NOT a rose and does not smell as sweet ( Romeo and Juliet were like, 14 and 15 respectively, so what did they know, anyway?). Roses are lovely, and they are delicate, expensive flowers, which is why they are prized. Carnations? Not so much. While nobody expects you to go by the Victorian Tradition and speak the Secret Language of Flowers from sender to sendee, a little thinking might do you some good. I once had a guy come in and tell me he wanted a flower that said "you're hot" to a girl. As a joke, I handed him some random orange bloom ( "hot" versus heat, get it? ). He thought it was brilliant and paid for it on the spot. I never heard how it turned out, but I think it's safe to say it was his first and last date.

Tip for Posterity: It's fine if you don't want to send roses, or can't afford them. Not everyone likes them, and yes, they are expensive. But if you still want to stay romantic, don't just slap together the first thing that looks Big and Expensive. It might have been intended for a funeral arrangement.
An additional caveat to ponder: A Dozen Roses are WAY overdone, so if you're going to send them, mix them with something lovely, like white lilies, to offset the generic feel. You'll get the something outstanding for the same cost. OR, find out what her favorite flower is. Likely it's something more affordable ( like, say, daisies) and will mean more.


5.) Don't be a poozer and wait til the last minute to order. Admittedly, this is one I have a personal bias toward, since I'm the one standing there up to my knees in leaves and stems with 50 more orders to go, and it's not even noon. But take this as an" insider" secret: the later you wait, the less likely the stuff you order will be as well thought out, as nicely arranged or as fresh as you'd like. Florists buy for V-Day days and days in advance, and the longer YOU wait to place an order is the longer those flowers have been setting in a cooler, slowly dying. Do something crazy: think ahead! Who knows? You might free up some extra time to plan other romantic things, like, say, bathing.

Tip for Posterity: If you send in your order ON Valentine's, expect us not to give a shit and use whatever's left over from people who actually planned ahead. Do yourself and her a favor and maybe even plan to have something sent EARLY ( like the 12th or the 13th) and get the cream de la creme, not to mention the element of surprise.
A caveat to ponder: This is not a suggestion, but rather, a cardinal rule. Don't call me and bitch if a.) we're out of stock on what you want, b.) your flowers are dead 3 days later because I had to use what was lying around or c.) it was after 5 when you got your delivery. This is the biggest goddamned day in the whole season, and I am not standing there in a field, taking your call, harvesting these crops myself. Wait til the last minute and pay the consequences yourself, Mr. Absent-Minded. Those hearts and candy boxes have only been in the stores since after Christmas, reminding you.

Ahhh. So good to get that off my chest......

At any rate, I made enough money to get my car street legal again. My tags have been expired forever. I hesitate saying that out lound lest tomorrow be the day I get pulled over for the first time in ( cringe) 3 years and get busted. I also have to renew my liscence, and yes, this time it will be for the Great State of CA. I will officially be a resident. I will officially, on the books, live in La-La Land ( well, I can already vote here, but you know what I mean). Where it has already stopped raining and therefore likely be engulfed in flames by May.

There's no place like Hollywood, eh? Gotta love it!