Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Submitted for Your Perusal: From The Dental Files of A Miss Jessica White, c. October 2007:


Sometime in the mid-to-late 1980's, one Miss Jessica White (Party No. 1) and a Miss "Sassy Pantz " ( Party No. 2) entered unwittingly and unintentionally into a cosmic contract which had the effect of random but parallel events in their personal lives (heretofore referred to as "The Parallel Lives Continuum"). Due to the unintentional nature of this contract, it has yet been determined how to break it. Until such time as the contract can be officially terminated, Party No. 2 wishes to request an injunction against Party No. 1 for the purpose of her personal health and welfare.

1.1 Since the actual parallel events cannot be predicted or controlled, Party No. 2 wishes to encourage party No. 1 to restrict her activities in order to minimize risk for both parties. Following is a suggested list of activities to be forbidden at all times:

1) Bull Fighting
2) Bull Riding and/or all rodeo activities
3) Rock and/or mountain climbing
4) Sky diving
5) Bungee jumping
6) Target shooting (both firearms and archery)
7) Cliff diving
8) Running with scissors
9) Smoking of any type

1.2 In addition, the following activities should be limited, or only performed under the strictest of supervision and professional assistance:

1) Horseback riding (all horses being ridden must be at least 10 years of age)
2) Boating of any sort
3) Swimming in water in excess of 4 feet
4) Cooking over open flames
5) Carving of any object more firm than a bowl of pudding

1.3 Should a career change be in her future, Party No. 1 is forbidden to pursue the following careers:

1) Firefighter
2) Bomb Squad technician
3) Any job requiring any of the activities listed in paragraph
4) Circus performer (particularly trapeze and large animal performances)
5) Postal Employee

2.1 Because the Parallel Lives Continuum is not restricted to voluntary activities, and also has coincidental events with regards to bodily health, Party No. 1 is requested to do the following:

1) Eat vegetables daily
2) Brush AND floss per dental professional's instructions
3) Bathe and/or shower regularly, cleaning thoroughly behind the ears,
on back of neck, and in any and all crevises of the body where dirt and/or germs may not be readily apparent
4) Get regular recommended checkups and screenings with a qualified physician
5) Stretch before exercising
6) Wait at least 20 minutes after eating before swimming

2.2 Party No. 1 must acknowledge that pregnancies are not always planned. In accordance with this fact, Party No. 1 agrees to use contraceptives until such time as she has decided to become intentionally pregnant or until such time as she has officially entered menopause, as confirmed by a physician.

2.2.1 Should Party No. 1 become pregnant, she must adhere to all current medical advice with regards to her health and welfare, and must conduct herself in such a manner that does not increase risk to either her or her baby. This includes, but is not limited to, such things as:

1) Taking pre-natal vitamins
2) Eating "healthy" foods, even if they taste "icky"
3) Refraining from all pogo-stick related exercises, contest and activities

3.1 In exchange for adhering to all of the above mentioned restrictions and guidelines, Party No. 2 agrees to conduct herself accordingly.

4.1 Both parties will be released from this agreement when it has been determined that the Parallel Lives Continuum Contract has been broken, and both parties are free to act on their own accord without regard to the health and welfare of the other.

Now that tooth #31, my right bottom molar in the back, has been extracted (by what can only be described as Draconian Practices), I, too have been relegated to eating "soft foods only" indefinitely until I no longer need prescription medication to withstand the pain. I can only rejoice that I am not allergic to narcotics.




PUBLIC STATEMENT IN RESPONSE TO NOTICE BY PARTY #2 (Issued by her Publicist, a Jeannie M. Crawley of Burbank CA; dated 10/ 23/2007):

"While Ms. White ( cited as Party #1) certainly sends her continued empathy for Ms. Pantz (the self-proclaimed Party #2)'s livelihood and welfare, she in no way takes responsibility for any harm that may have come to her during the course of their extended relationship. As no one can ascertain the exact nature of The Parallel Lives Continuum or pinpoint the exact moment when it occurred, it cannot be assumed that Ms. White is the Source Person of said Continuum, as Ms. Pant's injunction might imply.

However, Ms. White agrees to the listed contigencies per Ms. Pantz's request, as she is always health-oriented in her personal life, and then, purely on the basis of the values that inform her highly regarded, publicly lauded and continued humanitarian work.

Ms. White will be drafting her own list for Ms. Pantz's approval as soon as she recuprates from her own tooth extraction (#18, last lower left molar, on October 13, 2007; #31 was extracted in 1999, when Pantz and White had lost touch for a period of time. The Parallel Lives Continuum appears to have been re-ignited almost immediately after regaining contact. ).

In the meantime, she continues to wish Ms. Pantz, her fans, and the global community at large peace and healing."

incl/: signed headshot



A PUBLIC NOTICE TO MS. SASSY PANTZ, ( dated 11/15/2007):

The following is brought to the forefront in light of the Parallel Lives Continuum, so that no one can say I was negligent :

I have recently been informed that as of December 3, 2007, work upon my teeth shall commence once again. I will be receiving four (4) root canals, four (4 )crowns and two bridges ( to help assist with chewing after the loss of both last molars). Any additional cleaning and cavity work will be seen to, more than likely, after the new year.

During this time I request that Ms. "SassyPantz" refrain from eating the following items:

1.) Oversized hard pretzels, of the Bavarian sort or other
2.) Taffy, caramel, or any other kind of sticky candy
3.) Whole kernels of corn, such as those found at the bottom of a popcorn bowl
4.) Peanut brittle
5.) Hard-crusted bread items such as biscotti, crostini, croutons, or French/Italian bread more than 2 days old.

It is also being asked that Ms. Pantz continue a strict regimen of brushing, flossing and using an anti-cavity rinse at least twice a day. If there is any question of this being neccessary, Ms. White will gladly send an itemized bill from the endodontist performing the services as a cautionary measure.

Ms. Pantz can take heart in the fact that Ms. White's endodontist is exceptionally good-looking, amusing, young, of good reputation, and thorough. Perhaps the Parallel Lives Continuum can allow her to enjoy Ms. White's good fortune in this manner somewhat vicarously.

I believe my public duty has heretofore, been met. Thank you, and good night.


Believe it or not, this is actually good news- now that I'm without work, I need no longer panic about getting this neccessity out of the way. With the exception of the crowns ( "large fillings" are recommended instead; way to go Denti-Cal, not scrimping on the quality!!! ) , all of it is being covered by my insurance. And then it's me and a trip to Outback Steak, baby, ( prolly in time for my birthday!!) without a care in the world! WOO HOO!