Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Tonight I had one of those moments where you are in awe of the Universe and reminded how important it is to keep the big picture in mind at all times. It was one of those moments where I literally got down on my knees and said "thank you" to Whatever Is Out There and little perfectly formed teardrops hit my couch cover.

To explain:

I was on the phone with one of my friends, I'll call her Lisa. I met her through DBSA, and she's throwing this holiday party, yadda yadda, and called to confirm that I was coming, etc. She's one of the people who stuck around when I was kicked out of group last year, and is a sweet, kind, tender-hearted person.
As it just so happens, SHE was kicked out of group this summer, for similarly fucked up reasons and by only slightly less nefarious and nebulous means. Like me, she pitched a fit, and made it excessively clear that in NO way was she ever going back, and they could kiss her ass. I didn't get to really speak with her about it then, but tonight I got all the details (including the fact that after she got booted, some key people split as well, and that it's all spinning out of control like I suspected it would. )

She's fine now and doing well, but we comiserated on the fucked-up-ed-ness of it all and how painful and odd it was to go through it ( and we discussed plans to help the original founder of the group- who is disgusted and angry about its disintegration- start a new one, which is going well). And as I'm listening to her, I'm just thinking, " I could have really gone down with the ship when that happened, given the really serious mind-fucking I got ( talking to her finally illuminated some details that only proved further that my suspicions were right, not wrong, and that I was smart to trust my intuition about it). But I held on, despite my fears of not making it and doubts about myself. I HELD ON. I DID IT."

The big deal about it also comes with context: at the time, if you'll recall, I had also just been going through a crowbar-to-the-knees period of grief and pain that I hope to never repeat. One of those incidents ( Griffin dying, Anthony and I splitting) would have been enough to bench anyone from the "Embrace Life!" ballgame for awhile, but I got at least three more ( finding out Tony had cheated, coming to terms with his abusiveness and *that* trauma, that I had EBV, losing my job). So I was pretty much in the crippling dark place when that all went down with them, when I needed support the most. Talk about being kicked when you're down, and by people you loved and trusted, to boot ( no pun intended).

When I was going through all that, the one of the things that kept me going besides sheer will and the kind tolerance and support of my true friends was just faith. Just this tenuous little embroidery-thread-like faith that it would turn around, and that I would prevail, and that someday, the sun would shine again, blah blah blah, all the stuff I have to hold on to when it's dark in my head and heart.....but also that LIFE would get better overall and that it wasn't this endless series of soap-opera like episodes that I was going to have to tolerate til I kicked the bucket.

That's tough for me. I don't do faith well. I have it, but since it requires trust and relinquishing a certain level of control, I'm not totally comfortable with it. (Surprise.)

Usually there's no "Eureka!" moment you get where you realize you're on the other side of things, that you made it through. It's more like a gradual sort of knowing that things are healing and coming along, and pretty soon you'll be very far away from all that once pained you and on to new things. That's been happening all year. But tonight I GOT the big "Aha!" moment, and like I said, it brought me to my knees.

I realized that what I had gone through was a big nasty snarlball of crap that can only be described in those terms, and that it was a perilous course to navigate out of, for anyone. I realized that I DID IT, and in the same breath, realized I *was* through it. And I was so fucking grateful- grateful that it was over, grateful that I was okay.....

And grateful that Something Up There had helped me rally and keep the strength in myself, and the faith to keep going, not give up, crumble, have a breakdown, whatever. So I said, thank you. Thank you for being there.

And then I realized that that epiphany helped my faith MORE- that it proved to me that life WAS worth living, that you know? It gets hairy. It gets really hairy. It gets far more hairy than we can ever believe or think is fair. But it DOES turn around if you hold on. IT DOES.

That's big for me. I have a problem with that, ( hence the tattoo on my arm there to remind me to remember that very thing). And this series of events came close, scraped close to the bottom of the barrell on what faith I had left, and left me pretty angry and lifeless inside ( let's just say therapy for the last year has NOT been pretty. I've been working her like a dog, poor least I'm paying her....). I could have given up. I could have. People do for those things, and less. I'm not going to be specific about what "giving up" could have looked like, because *I* don't even know, I'm just sayin'. But I didn't, and it proved that I was stronger than I EVER thought possible, ( even though I resented the FUCK out of learning that notion yet again...) , and that I am not alone, even thought it feels like it sometimes.

And that sometimes, it really all DOES come back around to good. Even if it takes a long time. It does.

For my persistance and faith, I am rewarded with more faith. Which is the oddest thing- it almost doesn't make sense. Then again, little in this life does, and I'm not going to complain. I'm just really, really glad. Really, really glad.

Glad enough to cry all over my couch and pray and toast a glass of cider and light a candle to Whatever. I am so grateful. Life really is full of sweet surprises and miracles. It just takes time sometimes to get there.

Who knew? :)