Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Taking up where Sassy left off, dealing with The Great Unwashed in retail. It's totally working my last nerve.

I spent the entire day both Saturday and Sunday being misanthropic and only semi-polite to customers. I know- I gotten written up for this a month and a half ago, but those days.....those days were days that would have had a saint reaching for a flamethrower. They were the days I coulda sworn there must have been an invisible placard outside advertising we were serving The Extra Stupid Special with a Side of Helpless Sauce.

To wit:

Girl: I want a book like the movie "Juno"
Me: ( thinking: "right, 'cause I know ALL the books in here about teen pregnancy!!" Nonetheless,I go to a computer to try valiantly.) Okay, do you want fiction or non-fiction?
Girl's dad: Fiction is....true stories?
Me: uh, no. Fiction is not true. Non-fiction is real life.
Girl's dad: I always get those two mixed up.

Yeah, so did I, when I was in 1st grade!! And said to me with a straight face, with Bluetooth in his ear, and a 14 year old daughter whom I couldn't tell was pregnant or not. The idea that he bred was really the worst of it.

Me: (showing a customer something) we go down this aisle, and there's more of....OH MY GOD!!!
(Woman is on floor with every. Single. Nursing flip book ( little 3" X 5" cards on a spiral binder; we have a million of them) on the floor in the aisle. Plus, she has a baby in a stroller who is starting to fuss and wants to go home; baby is also blocking aisle.): Oh! I'll clean them all up!! I promise!!
Me: That. Um. That would be good.
( I finish with the original customer and go back up to the Customer Service Desk. She's there, wanting to know WHICH ONE is the "best" one, but thankfully harassing someone else-- like we know a goddamned thing about nursing. Baby, BTW is now in full on crying mode, soon to progress to Full-On Meltdown, I can tell.)
Beck ( a coworker): ( shooting me a look, speaking under breath) Oh. My. God.
Me: I know.
Beck: No you don't. This is the third time she's been up here.

I swear I'm never letting another nurse in this state get near me. I've met all the potentials and they're as dumb as a box of rocks, collectively.

Mom: ( heavy accent): We need a book called "The Pilgrim at Ticking Creek".
Daughter: No! ( no accent) It's "Tinking Creek".
Me: Well, I need one or the other to attempt a search ( again, because I'm psychic and know ALL books everywhere).
Mom: You have it. It's "ticking"
Me: t-i-c-k.
Mom: Yes.
Daughter: No, it's "tinker", with an "n".
No, it's not.
Daughter: YES, it IS!!!
Me: (sensing some sort of MyMother/Myself confrontation turning into a "Who's On first?, The Literary Version" --with the added twist of an easily misunderstood accent just to jazz things up-- for me, I grit my teeth and try to nip this in the bud): Ladies, I need to have a clearer title or I can't help.
Mom: YOU HAVE IT!!! It's tink! With an N! T-i-n-k-!!!
Daughter: Yes, "ticker." t-i-c-ker?
Me: OOKAY. Is it with an n or a c?
Mom: an N!!!
( I go with that. I find the book. It's 'The Pilgrim at TINKER Creek, thankyouverymuch.)
Me: Oh, it's "The Pilgrim of Tinker Creek". (Smiling, trying to defuse tension.)
(I go get book)
Mom to Daughter: Sheesh. I can't believe that took so long.

That plus a few "Why isn't "Breaking Dawn" in paperback???" whiners :
( Me: Because it's brand new.
Them: (blank look).
Me: know, when a book first comes out, it's in hardback? Then it goes to paperback?
(**Crickets chirping** )
Me: ( Trying to be patient, because some people don't know this.) Because it's all about sales. And that's how books are published.
Them: (silence).
Me: So it won't be out for another year, probably.
Them : ( pause) So you don't have it?
Me: ( Trying not to stick a pencil in my eye) :That would be a fair assumption, yes. )

and I was good to go over the edge by 3pm. That's when I went to the ladies room and was accosted by a stench so foul I could barely stand it. I reported this to my manager who told me to go back in there and see what it was.

Me: No.
Her: Whaddya mean no?
Me: NO.
Her: NO!?!?!
Me: I'm not doing it.
Her: Jessica, we are all in charge of the bathrooms. You don't have to clean it up.
(I turn on my heel inspect the bathroom, find a disgusting mess I will not describe, and report it to her. I'll give you any money that if I had NOT been such a brat before I assessed the damage, I WOULD have had to clean it up. But as Cherry said when I told her the story, "They dont pay me enough to be a janitor or a babysitter." Well said.)

Speaking of Cherry, I've made friends her, and she moved in with me on Fri-- temporarily-- she's seperated from her husband and they're in therapy trying to work it out ( he was stop-lossed to Iraq awhile back and hasn't been the same since. It got so bad that he was doing nothing but playing Worlds of Warcraft all day, not working, and not talking. She tried to get him help and them help before she left but it took her actually leaving to get him to come around. Sad, but things are slowly improving. ) She's paying a little $$ so it helps me too.

She has, however, a female cat, roughly the same age as Angel named KiKi. KiKi is highly strung from moving around all the time because Cherry and husband Ivan have with the military sitch, plus now twice since Cherry left Ivan trying to find places to stay ( she goes to school and works two jobs and is trying to save money in case her marriage tanks. She's not home very much, either, so it's senseless for her to be paying $900 a month to live somewhere).

At first I kept them seperate for a couple of days; I moved Angel's food in my BR and his litterbox is near that anyway, and KiKi's stuff was with Cherry's in the LR. Yesterday I moved Angel's food back to it's regular spot, and he hid in the BR anyway. ( KiKi's quite the mouthy little badass, hissing from under the table). Today Angel decided it was HIS house, and he was going to sit in the window if he wanted to, dammit, and there was much hissing and staring down on both sides.

I'm wondering how long this will go on, as I've never had this happen before; then again, I've never moved two adult cats in with each other. I think KiKi's totally going to try and take him in a smackdown, but she's half his size, and Angel is prone to attacking from above and by surprise.
I'm also wondering if it shows a complete lack of morals to get it on video so I can become a YouTube sensation. If it becomes popular, do I get any money? I so need money. Or another job. Or SOMETHING.....