Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Good god. As if the week wasn't going to be weirder. There's plenty of weird going around ( it'll take a whole other post to explain why TODAY in particular really blew, but you'll have to wait for that one. However, I offer you part of the reason now ) and it certainly seems like the Universe has me working overtime on Stuff. (At least it's getting resolved, I suppose. Or something. But it's like dentistry, and you know how I feel about that. Not enough numb to go around, trust me.) It has been weird and it all has sucked, in my humble opinion, although that doesn't seem to matter much, in these kinds of things. And it just got weirder, like I already mentioned.

Okay, so I finally had a one-to-one with Heroin Boy about the weird behavior. If nothing else, it was to make ME feel better. Here's the results.....

I'll cut to the chase: I don't understand how someone so fucked up could be so nice and tolerant, but he's basically a self-involved jerk. Not to ME in particular, but to people in general. Or so he states, and trust me, now I believe it.

Here's what happened: I go into work. He's perfectly normal. I say, "So, can I have your ear for 10 minutes or so after work? I know you're tired and I will be too, but I would like to talk to you ." He said, "Okay....everything all right?" I say, "Um. I'm not sure. But no worries. I just think we " He looks at me kind of askance, but agrees to it.

The rest of the night is totally normal and he's totally normal and we joke and laugh and all the rest. We close and we walk out to the parking lot and I'm like, "Let's just sit." And he lights a cigarette, inhales ( sexy, dammit), and asks again if everything's okay. I launch into:

"Um, this is awkward, but indulge me for a minute, 'cause I'm kind of confused about things with regard to communication between you and me. I call, leave messages, I email, and nothing. I am feeling weird about it, and so I wanted to sort of.....uh, well, I guess, make sure you weren't misunderstanding anything. For my own sake, really. I don't want to put you on the spot, so I'm not going to ask you to answer WHY to anything. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, and this is awkward enough already.

See. Okay. When I met you, I thought , "Oh awesome!', because I was excited that someone else from St. Louis was here and going through what I was going through, and I thought that was cool, because living here sucks. As you know. And I was really wanting to be your friend. But dont respond to contact. And that seems weird to me, so I've been concerned there's been some sort of ...that you've been laboring under a false understanding.

So let me clear some things up. I don't want you thinking that I'm trying to hit on you, because you have a girlfriend- ex-girlfriend- whatever ( he makes an "Ugh, THAT situation" face and smiles). I wouldn't DO that, because I dont GO THERE in those situations. That's not my thing. Plus, it's sort of ethically questionable. Completely not cool. So I was worried you were thinking THAT.

Then I wanted to say that I really see all these strange coincidences happening with all these people we know in common, and while I find that amusing and cool, and even a point to bond on, clearly you said nothing about it. I was thinking perhaps you were freaking out about it. When....well, here's the deal: it can't be helped. We come from a small pool. ( He nods, and is still smiling, like this is all very amusing.) And I don't want you worried that there was going to be some weird gossiping thing, because I don't really DO that, and I don't really talk to people back there ( He interjects: "I wasn't thinking that at all. And I don't care about THAT.") Well, okay, but you never SAID anything, and I didn't know. That whole deal with Weiner and all...I dont even KNOW him, and it's just a weird thing, and....what can I say?

So anyway, lastly, I didn't want you to think I was stalking you on Facebook, I just FOUND you, it was total coincidence, dude. MY friend A emailed me, I haven't talked to HIM in like 7 years, and he had lists of friends and all from the same circles, and those friends had lists, and you were on one of them, that's ALL. (He's smiling again and shaking his head, and says, "Oh, I didn't even think about it.")

Um, so...the bottom line is, I don't know what the deal is, but I hope you're not thinking any of these things and I just wanted to clear the air. You don't have to answer to anything, and you don't owe me any explanations, like I said....I don't want to put you on the spot, and be all, "Oh, Heroin Boy! Don't you wanna be my friend?" because, well, if you don't, then that's fine and go on with your bad self. You know? I'm not going to ask you that.So. Thanks for listening, and yeah. So. There you have it, and we're done."

He looks at me and grins and says, "I was thinking none of those things. Basically, I'm just....I don't respond to people. It's bad. It's the reason for alot of things that don't work in my life, but I've come to accept that it's the way I am. I am asshole, I guess."

I look at him. I pause. ( And I'm thinking: what a winning answer. Am I supposed to say, "Oh no, Boy. Dont say that. 'Cause I'm NOT gonna. Besides, if you're that rude, you ARE being an asshole.) . I say, "Okay. Well, good to know. Because I've been sitting here going, "What did I DO?" and thinking I must have offended you somehow, or you misunderstood something, or well, HB, that you were just a rude jackass, to tell the truth. No offense."

The smile goes away, and he's serious--not angry, just serious-- and he says, "I would say the answer is rude jackass, yeah. But you shouldn't take it personally!"
"But that's the thing. I WAS. It hurt my feelings, frankly."

Him: I certainly didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm sorry. I'm just....I....see, this is why all my relationships fail. This is why. It used to be alot worse, I've gotten alot better. But I don't reach out, I don't do contact.
Me: Hmmm.
Him: I used to just alienate the hell out of people; say whatever I wanted and not give a damn how it turned out. I don't do that anymore.
Me: Hmm. Really. Well. Interesting. ( Thinking: FANtastic. You're totally fucked up, by the way. )
Him: This is just how I am. I've tried to change it and I don't know... I just gave up, I guess.
Me: You're a weirdo. ( smiling, but utterly serious on the inside)
Him ( grinning again): I'm a weirdo.
Me: And totally inscrutable.
Him: And yes, totally....I suppose, yes. ( big smile)
Me: Well, okay, then. Now that we've cleared this up....I guess I would say, you aware how this looks to other people. You know? I mean, Other people are here, and trying to interact with you.
Him: I know, and....I guess I'm sort of dumb, too. I don't think about it, I don't see it.....see, this is why my marriage ended, this is -in part, anyway- why this other relationship is over....I don't really have any friends, either.
Me: ( Thinking: you have GOT to be joking.) What? Really?
Him: No. I lost all my friends about a year a situation partially of my own doing, but partially due to other things....and I have one friend back home I talk to, and he and I didn't talk for about a year....I just, don't. I don't know. I'm on Facebook and on MySpace all the time, but I'm a Friend Whore. I just scan lists of people and send out like 70 friend requests...and I get so many messages. I don't answer them, really. I don't....I am just a dick. I guess. (Looks all serious and committed to this idea.)
Me: ( Thinking: if that's the way you want to think of it, who am I to argue?) Okay. Well, that's entirely your own doing. You're not going to make any NEW friends acting like this. And even if they want to be your friend and are perfectly nice,--oh, say, like ME, for instance-- they're eventually going to say, "what the fuck is WRONG with him??" Because I was at home thinking it. Granted, I'm a worrier, and I...well, clearly I think about stuff alot, so I had other concerns, but, listen: Boy. Pay attention. If people are trying to be your friend, they're eventually going to give up.
Him: I have heard that so. Many. Times, I can't even tell you. I mean, really.
Me: Really.
Him: Oh, yeah.
Me: Well, okay then. So....I guess the only thing I would say is that...if you want to hang, it's on YOU. I've put in my time here ( we laugh). I'm not going to call you and say, "Hey, do you want to hang out?" or "Hey, do you want to go to the movies with us"? Or anything.
Him: I don't go out, either. I'm a total homebody. I have my tv shows and my books and my cigarettes and I'm good.
Me: Well, me too, I never go anywhere, but I'm making a POINT! I'm a total homebody, but anyway....yeah. So, okay then.
(I smile. He smiles.)
Him: Okay then. Take care, Jessica.

And that's it. Fuck it. He's obviously totally jacked, and while he's completely nice and friendly while admitting it, what can I say?" Um, yeah, dude, that's fucked up. See you around." Which is essentially what I did. Even if he's lying to spare me or some such, it doesn't MATTER; he doesn't want to be bothered. ( Although I admit I totally buy his spiel. He didn't seem wrong in it, and my gut didn't scream at me that he was lying when he was talking. I heard alot of bullshit on a personal level- in the sense that there's something WRONG with your LIFE, hello?!?! It's not just that you're "just an asshole"-- but I didn't hear him attempting to snow me. He's a good actor, but he'd have to be brilliant to spin that one. But if he is....well, see next paragraph.)

And if he doesn't want to be bothered, so be it. His loss. I can be nice and sociable and see him at work and life will go on. He can go rot in his miserable cave, or live his life without someone who genuinely wanted to be his friend.....not that he'll notice the loss. Oh well. Like I haven't been there before. I know I'm worth more than whatever his assessment is-- or is not.

Good times. I guess I got closure after all. Too bad it wasn't anything better than this lameness. But hey. It's been one of those days.


Onward and upward.