Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Okay, so the same day the HB shiz went down, I got an email from an old ex of mine on Facebook.

I should mention that I have only joined Facebook recently and under peer pressure. ( I was feeling as an actor, you know, I should. And I wasn't going back to MySpace.) So, I was on Facebook and I found my old ex, James.

I should explain that James and I....we had a very intense 4 year relationship in my early 20s that should have culminated in marriage but didnt. Thats probably for the best, considering who I was at the time and who he was, but the ending was possibly the most ruinious thing I have ever experienced. It was like a bad divorce- pain and regret and a wrenching separation all around.

We did eventually make amends after 2 years of no speaking, in 1999. He apologized for all the shitty things he did and I took responsibility of all the stuff that was crazy-making on my part. And then we sort of parted ways, only barely keeping in touch for awhile and then not at all til now.

Til now. I emailed him and wanted to know how he was-- I was just thinking it would be nice to know. It is nice to know. It is also monumentally WEIRD to know. I can't explain it. I'm also having a freak out of bizarre proportions on the level of:

He's married. He's married to an old mutual acquaintance of ours ( she's lovely and funny and great, so he made a good choice!). Is it weird that I find that weird???Is it weird that I am totally like...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME THAT ALL MY EXES ARE BEATING ME TO THE ALTAR??? Seriously, why does everyone I ever knew have better lives than I do? My life sucks! I'm despondant, because everyone has moved on and I haven't...and what the HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?? Why do all the men I date have to work out their issues on ME and then after we break up they go into therapy and become good men and marry SOMEONE ELSE and have a happy ever after and I am turning into a spinster??? Seriously....what is WRONG with ME?

None the above is not meant to make any sense, BTW. IT's just the dialogue in my head that loops around. Ridiculous and petty and childish. And completely out of porportion. In the end, I'm not bitter about his happiness, I'm just being childish and petty. I'm allowed every once in awhile, I say.....But I went through a little spinout about that, and then I went to work and dealt with Boy. It was a fun day, to say the least.

I guess I asked for this one. But in some ways, I suppose it's hard to straddle this fence on "this person was an ENORMOUS part of my life and development" and "we don't really speak anymore." But I guess that's the deal of it, really. It's bizarre and yet a truism of intense romantic relationships. It's just so strange, although makes perfect sense, which is really kind of oxymornonic, and that's hard to manage.

It's not like we're "friends" in terms of I'd go to dinner with him on a regular basis or call him if I had a problem, all of the sudden.. It's more like we're on peaceful terms and haven't spoken in almost 7 years so it was probably all right to say "hi" and get an update. I don't think I could EVER be you know, IN his life again, in any significant way again, not even in the "invite her over once a year for New Years Eve" kinda way. That would skeeve me out, and probably be just....weird.

I don't know. We have been emailing like mad catching up and it's completely enjoyable when I'm not feeling...a little bit off center. Nothing has changed in terms of our getting along about random books, tv and interests. And we have alot of people in common ( HB included! Shocker!), so it's nice to catch up and gossip. He's so happy I emailed him, and that we can talk. I am too.

However, I had to remind him today that it's still a little odd for me; he was bringing me up to date on his family, and saying I should get in touch with them too. I was like, "James. You need to understand. When we split, you obviously got to keep your family, and I had to grieve them as a loss. I loved them like my family, because that is how I love. It is also reflective of how I was thinking about the permanence of our relationship at the time. When you speak of them, I am so happy that I get to hear of them and glad for their well being. But it brings back so many memories and memories of loss. I can only do one person at a time, here. That whole period in my life was so painful, and while I am not angry or bitter anymore, and I am glad we are in touch, it is reaching outside my comfort zone to do so, so please understand I need to be slower in this. "

I think he'll understand. And I hope in the end it will be healing for me for that whole painful period and it's aftermath. While alot of it has healed, ( like, for example, I don't feel the need to rehash any old shit with James anymore, nor am I carrying a torch, so that's done), I feel like, well, obviously I need to really be able to put it all to rest finally, after all. It's not like I stand around thinking about our relationship or how it failed every day or even at all. What's done is done and that's it, with regard to that. My only sadness is that I haven't found anyone to love again like I loved him. (Well, Anthony. But we all know that disaster.). And perhaps the only was that sadness will be healed is when I do. I don't know.

But those years were so awful, and part of that was losing all that I loved in one fell swoop, pretty much. Not only did we split, but I lost his family. I lost alot of friends. I was almost totally alone and dealing with an illness every day without much support. I was lonely and sad and devastated and broken-hearted. I had to pick myself up from the bottom of the barrell and try to make my life work without my family's help, James' help, or friends' help. I don't know that if there was a worse time in my life.

Suffice it to say in part I had to put it away in a box to cope, and survive. I see now that the box is open. I am stronger now, and perhaps I will be able to go back and look at it all and become more at peace with it and greive it no more. Maybe it is all part of a process helping me become more whole with who I am and where I've been. I always thought I pretty much was/am, but obviously, some things that linger need to be let go of. I think I can handle that, since the result can be nothing but good.

Anyway, it's been a hell of a week, what with that and HB and then his tragedy. It's like the Universe is on Tilt-A-Whirl and I'm holding on and hanging in, knowing it stops eventually, and all will land where it should. Or so I hope. I'm leaning on faith for that one.