Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

An update and additional thoughts:

When I went into work today, I was called to the office ten minutes into my being there, and informed I was to go home for the rest of the day, with pay. I was asked to go home, take a day off, and that my actions the night before were "unacceptable", my customer service was "unaccetptable " and that Dil needed some time to think about what to do next. He would call me the next day to let me know whether I was to come into work.

So I went home, confused. I didn't know if I was being fired,and it was being dragged out, or if he was making up company policy ( as he has done from time to time!) by calling me at home while I'm not on the clock, so I called HR, who sufficiently explained the following:

I am officially on suspension ( which I wasn't told when Dil talked to me. WHY he didn't use the correct terms is ridiculous to me, as it would have prevented me a call to HR to find out WTF he was doing and if it was indeed within company policy. ) with pay. HR explained that this is what they do when they're trying to decide what to do or whether to keep an employee ( or ina second case, protect an employee from harrassment, which doesn't apply here). Additionally, ( and Dil mentioned this in a jab of passing but told me little more) while part of this decision to suspend me comes from my insolence last night another part of it arises from Dil and the fucking VP of the company receieving an email last night from a disgruntled customer. He claimed that I told him to "MOVE" into his ear when I was trying to get by him. He had taken a picture of me with his cell phone and sent it along. Oh. My. Head. *****searing pain into my left forehead***

Since for all my abrupt, impatient, and yes, rudeness, I have never in my life told anyone to "MOVE!" unless it was in traffic! I pointed out to HR (and later, Dil) that perhaps the gentleman in question failed to hear me correctly; I automatically say things like "Excuse me sir, could you please move" or "Sir, I need you to move, thank you"when in scenarios such as that.. But I NEVER go up to someone's ear! That's jsut gross, and FWIW, I do have SOME manners. Even in the CSD hub, if someone's in my way, I gently put my hands on their shoulders and say "excuse me". It hurts my head to ponder WTHolyF *this is about.

Later this evening, Dil called me and was quite polite. He stated that he wanted to be fair to me, had no time to go over any of the paperwork, review this latest complaint or discuss things with the DM, and wouldn't untill the holiday craziness was over. I said I expected as much, and with the addition of family obligations it was completely understandable to me and preferrably to me that he took his time. He scheduled a time to meet with me on Monday and speak, with my being paid the rest of the week. We ended on a polite note, "happy holidays" and so forth.

So, I have the rest of the week off. With pay. It could be worse. I guess. I might be out of job here shortly, and that's not going to fly in this economy, or this time of the year ( post Christmas).

On an introspective note with all of it:

I realize in hindsight, of course, that more than likely the correct thing to have done would HAVE gone out to the floor and dodged into the bathroom and to hide for awhile and continue to get it together. He can't go dragging my ass outta there, (plus, my friend Billie, this great 65 year old lady who works in Kids was all set to cover my ass til I was ready to come back out of the breakroom.I'm sure she would have done the same if I were hiding out in the Ladies. KWIM? ).

It should also be stated that in the past, when I've been brought in for any kind of reprimand off the floor, I usually DO actually keep my cool: listen, think evil thoughts in my head, smile, agree, leave. And I even go home after and sort out if what they said was valid or bullshit! This time, however, I'm trying to sort out why I reacted to him so virilantly, but all I can think of, I was hoppin' mad. No leftover Daddy issues, no authority issues ( if there would have been, I would have been swearing and all manner of ugly things). We've all been under ridiculous stress lately, and his picking on me has been building. But even so, I think he just did to me what was unacceptable, and I couldn't get it together. *Sigh*. I suspect I probably would have, if left alone for a few minutes more, but that didn't happen. I don't know why he chose not to.

IT's all irrelevant, because clearly, I need to learn to handle these things better. Period. He's the Asshole Boss to a *T*, but he's not the first, and he probably won't be the last. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have a serious problem with my temper, but I would say that my stress management skills and my instant hotheadedness ( short wick, but blows out fast) need work.
In all seriousness, maybe I need to learn to meditate?

Honestly, I've been thinking very hard about this, and while yes, this has taken to the height of the absolute absurdity and so forth on their end, I have to say, my greatest weakness in this LIFE is the sheer inability to suck it up and suffer the general stupidity and rudeness of the public. That's not their fault, it's mine. Even if I don't say it, as it's been suggested to me time and time again, it's in my tone, I'm sure of that.

Frankly, I don't know HOW to sort of bite my tongue to the point of it not showing through how irritated and offended I am. On one hand, this is a good thing- I'm honest. On the other hand, it's not serving me in the workplace. I don't KNOW how to paint on a smile and sweeten up and suck it up. I don't. I try. I honestly try. But it makes me feel ridiculous and fake and.....all manner of things I won't go into here.

To put a finer point on it, R says I don't suffer fools gladly, and I'm really bad at putting up with bullshit, which is admirable, but let's face it, isnt that work in general? C (my sweet ASM) says I need to let more things roll off of me, that it's okay to feel the things I feel but I can't let them get to me. I don't know how to do that either.

I really want to know how to do those things, I do. Because life isn't going to change itself around for me, and as much as I'm "right", well.....I'm not sure being right is going to pay the rent. As another friend AJ so appropriately put it, I don't know how to do any of this without feeling like a giant fake sellout.

SO I'm open to suggestions from people who are able to do it. I really am. Even if this job is sunk, even if, indeed, retail management sucks and intrinsically, retail is far more sucky than any customer can possibly imagine and yes, the job is truly not for me in the long run, I can't imagine I can't be helped by learning from it somehow.

KWIM? *sigh*.