I am here to officially announce I am through with the bullshit. Yes, you read it right. No more bullshit for 2008, Jessica has officially run out of tolerance.

Mostly because I'm working ridiculously long shifts and doing nothing but working and sleeping, and fighting off a cold. I've not made a single cookie nor treat nor wrapped a gift. I have no clean dishes and laundry is sprawled pretty much throughout the house. I'm tired and I'm grumpy and I need more than one day off in an 8 day stretch to get my shit together and not get really sick.

Add to that the level of Stupid I have to deal with in retail this time of year, and I'm just DONE. If it's not the customers, it's my Store Manager and my new Scheduling Manager, both of whom are two of the pickiest,pissiest, most inarticulate and delusional individuals I have ever met. If I hear one more comment about how I'm "bitter" or I need to be more polite or some such crap, I will seriously put a pen in one of their eyes. I mean it. Last night Jay said I was "bitter. " "Jessica, what's with.....(no adjective, just a hand gesture)...this, this....I mean, you're.....so ( again, no adjective) ? Like....bitter (finally!) or something....I just....what can I do to make you happy?"

I said, "You need to give me a raise."

He just looked at me like I had lost my mind.
I said, "Jay, I'm a nice person. I really am. I am a good person. I am a fun person in my personal life. But you cannot expect me not to SERIOUSLY smile all damned day long on the INSIDE about the kind of work I do at this pay rate. It's not personal, it's not that I don't like my job. I DO my job. But please, I am not going to be full of glee about it every fucking second." He looked at me with his mouth open.

After he walked away I pondered the "bitter" comment. I really don't want to be perceieved as "bitter" by my coworkers, so I turned to my friend, Mr. Charles for feedback. "Mr. Charles", I asked, "am I really bitter?"

Mr. Charles didn't even blink. He said, "Listen, you're dealing with someone who has the worst sense of sarcasm I've ever seen, so I wouldn't worry about it."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that he doesn't even KNOW when he's even BEING sarcastic, he's THAT out of touch with his own shit. Don't sweat it."

I watched Jay carefully for awhile, and Mr. Charles was right. While managers like Martin, whom I actually respect have called me "whiny" ( my coworker and friend Kyle corrected him and said, "Actually, I think that's perjorative. I think she's more of a malcontent." ), none of them expect me to be anything else nor do they particularly CARE as long as I am polite to customers. Apparently, however, Jay finds my cyniscism over humanity unnerving and feels the need to confront me about it as if I'm bringing the whole team down with me.

Clearly the man has never spent any time in the breakroom. ( Or any time talking to Heroin Boy, who lately has taken to responding " I dont care. I'm getting paid by the hour" when assailed by a litany of complaints from ohter co-workers, the management, etc.).

As a dash of spice to this fun brew of Christmas cheer I've currently got brewing, I am at the point where I'm going to start prank calling Stephenie Meyer's house. Listen, I loved the "Twilight" series just as much as anyone else. I saw the movie, I have all the books, and I have all manner of girlie geeky fan crap around my house. But if I'd like to formally state for the LAST TIME that:
1.) If you can't figure out which book is first, think of the pattern of the sun going down. Or, read the back of one of the books. If that doesn't help you, you can't be helped. Because you're an imbecile, and that sort of thing tends to be a permanent condition.
2.) The prices for these books are on the cover. Yes they are! Most books have prices on them, as do most items for sale in a retail setting. If it's not apparent with a cursory glance, try looking for it. Just try. For the hell of it. It's a lot of work, I agree, but you know what? You'll be able to use this skill set over and over again throughout your life, and, unlike that dead-eyed, slack-jawed look you're giving me, you won't be embarrassed about it later.
3.) Only the first two books in the series are in paperback. The last two won't BE in paperback for a long while. Certainly not before Christmas or even Valentine's Day. There's nothing I can do about that, and all the pouting, whining, and face-making in the world cannot change it. All your dreams are dead. Sorry.

I know I've said this before on this blog. I'm just tired of saying it for the LAST time, because I don't want to EVER say it again.

Speaking of not EVER wanting to say anything again, two of my friends have gone into complete denial over situations I have repeatedly asked them to DEAL with so I don't have to, since it is their responsibility:

One of them involves my cell phone bill and how it's paid, and the sequence of notification to me should I NEED to know to pay it myself,lest it be cut off unexpectedly, which has been discussed and discussed and discussed. I thought it was understood, but when I came out to a flat tire the other night after ending a shift at midnight and had to drive home on said tire because I had no cell phone to call AAA, I realized there needed to be further clarification. I made such clarification in NO uncertain terms and while I indeed was pissy about it ( wouldn't you be after driving through LA on your rim/half shredded tire at 12am?), the bill was paid and nothing was said to me. No apology, no attempt to call me on my home phone, and no attempt to email me. I didn't even know the bill was paid untill I called this friend twice and said, "Okay. So, we're not speaking???" I got an email back stating they'd called my CELL phone, ( which they KNEW wasn't working, right???) and that they'd paid the bill. Gosh. I should have known my cell phone was on and checked my messages, right? RIGHT!?!?

Ridiculous.

The second person is in current habitation with a Very Jealous Significant Other. While I do like the Significant Other, I can't mediate between them. My friend understands this. But what they FAIL to understand is whatever is not dealt with between them gets shoved over to ME, because Significant Other has a fucked-up set of boundaries. I get emails about who's posting on my friend's Facebook page at least weekly, and while I know my friend has done their level best at keeping S.O. appeased in some manner, they don't seem to like telling S.O. to QUIT emailing behind their backs to THEIR BFFs and thus putting their BFFs in a position to DEAL with it, whether they like it or not.
Granted, it's on me to tell S.O to STOP, and while I have tried this, it doesn't seem to sink in. I have tried to talk to Friend, but then it's "I'm not getting between you two." Okay, that's fine too. But you know what? Couldn'tya just pull your end of the deal, here? Talk to the Other Person about this issue that keeps cropping up? End it finally? Because THIS weekend, S.O decided to get really hopping mad at me for telling tehm that whatever new posting by Some Old Lover on Friend's page didn't seem particularly inappropriate to me and that it either needed to be gotten over already or talk to Friend about it.

Of course, now I'M the one who is Big and Bad and Bitch, and you know what? I'm TIRED. I told S.O. that. I said, "Listen, you asked my opinion, I gave it. You don't like it. I'm not going to argue about it. If you don't like my opinion on this ongoing problem--the opinion which hasn't changed, BTW, since you initially asked for it-- I'm going to call it a draw." Of course, this only made things worse, and now I'm getting all manner of crap in my inbox.

I want Friend to be happy. But you know what? If it comes down to the point where Significant Other is pushing your friends away because YOU can't handle their issues and S.O. isn't capable of containing themselves or finding someone appropriate to talk to, then MAYBE it's time to consider that you aren't really handling the relationship very well. Or that it needs professional help. Or, that you need to step in and SAY something to S.O. about speaking to your friends so rudely, or dragging them into personal business, OR, maybe even something about how I was YOUR BFF since forever, and wouldn't it therefore be reasonable for S.O. to back off???? SOMETHING?

I realize it's awkward to have to choose sides, but the thing is: sometimes we have to do it. Sometimes we have to do it to save our relationships, sometimes we have to do it to save our friendships. Most people don't ask other people to choose sides on a regular basis if they're really your friend, or are any good to you at all. I try not to make a habit out of asking friends to choose sides in sticky scenarios like this one, and I'm not particularly happy about having to do so here . But a little appreciation, effort or even--dare I say it?-- loyalty would go a long way with my patience with Significant Other, and Friend's choice to stay IN this situation.

*Sigh*. Whatever. Now everyone will hate me, I'm sure, but that's fine. It will probably just give them all more unification on their respective fronts, and make them feel better about themselves by lambasting me. Fine. That's what I'm here for, people. Right? Right.

It's the most wonderful time of the motherfucking year. Hot damn.

And if my mother sends me a box of cereal for a Christmas gift because I'm going to Paris and she's not, I swear I will change my phone number. Because why?

Because Jessica is sick of the bullshit. You read it here first. Don't think it ain't true.