Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Another update:

About my recent rambling post about that FB debacle: I had felt those pics being up was a little inappropriate for awhile so I did remove them. I realize I may have done it toooo soon. I've come to the very, very wise conclusion that , overall, I am toooooooooo raw and stressed to be making ANY big moves or decisions like that right now. THAT is what made me freak out. I wasn't READY to delete him, and I felt like I SHOULD because that's what everyone- including that dumb app in FB-- was saying ( and that when I'm not well, my OCD will drive me crazy having me second-guess things I know to be true- like the fact that I wasn't ready.). But when the idea of doing something causes you more pain than actually just leaving things alone and progressing along as you are, THAT'S the bigger sign. ANd the meltdown? THAT'S a sign, too: that I need to pay attention to the level of stress I'm under, that somethng like that could trigger me so. It means I need to LET IT BE and breathe it out, and chill out for awhile. In time, when the time is right and I am stronger, I will know what to do, and be able to do it without having half-a nervous breakdown over it.

I recently wrote my friend Trina in Seattle about how badly I feel like I'm failing at everything lately-- at keeping it together, and handling things better. I said I wish I were better, but I'm not. And her kind self-- as ever, I've known her since she was 15!-- said:

Better than what? I may not go in for all the god talk anymore, but I do still hold their idea that you are perfect just as you are, as trite as that sounds. And not in the way that it’s an excuse to not try for self-improvment—not saying, you’re already perfect, so why try to improve? But saying that your efforts to improve do indeed make you better with each passing year and those efforts in themselves are a sort of perfection; your growth is evident and sufficient, in your own ways, at your own pace, making your own mistakes, unfolding perfectly, even when it looks and feels shitty.

You put effort into being the best person you can be, and contrary to what the evil little voices in your head may say, your best IS good enough.

YOU are good enough.


And also sometimes its good to stop trying so hard for a while and just rest. I know you know all of this, but sometimes it helps to have it crammed down your throat. :)

It's a miracle sometimes how we get what we need to hear exactly when we need to hear it. I wrote back:

Yes, it does help! I just keep thinking if I were a better, more whole, stronger person I wouldn't be near a nervous breakdown right now. But the fact of the matter just IS. I keep thinking only crazy girls have nervous breakdowns when relationships end....but even so, it isn't all so simple. *Sigh*. My dear friend Lori, who is bipolar and has trouble with stressors sending her into episodes said, "You know, it's hard to say what caused it all. We can put it all together and say, "Yes, this stressor and this stressor and this stressor", but it doesn't always make sense. Why can I do some things some days and other days not at all?"

And that's it. I had a beautiful relationship....and then it got overwhelming for me to stay and fight for it when the other person wasn't fighting as hard as I was. (For various reasons-- I'm pretty sure it was overwhelming for him, too, just entirely differently.) And so I left. And all the stress of that and probably the stress of going home and dealing with the realities of where we both were in our lives and old friends and stupid weddings and EVERYTHING didn't help. And so add to that grief. And then add to that triggers: I'm raw and barely holding on and then random overwhelming stuff starts to happen--the stupid IMs from him and my stupid choice to go into FB and delete things- and now I'm just at the bottom of the barrell. NOW I'm sitting in the house super-depressed, and freaked out all the time. Just afraid ( this is the PTSD response: I don't want anything else to happen, nobody moves nobody gets hurt, because I can't take it, and I just need to breathe and feel safe!).

So yes, I can look back and say, "Well, I see it all so clearly, but you know what? I don't know why I'm wired this way. I just am. And I wish I weren't, because it feels like failing; other people can handle stuff so much better. They don't DO this, get this stuck, need to rest for so long, need medication, need all this help. But I can't help it. I do the best I can and then say, "this is the way I came into the world. That's all there is to it." And most of the time I can accept myself. I don't know why it's so hard. Maybe because it DID get started off by a relationship struggle and that makes me feel stupid! But, those are the hardest struggles there are, as my friend Ron says- he says its the most painful thing to ever go through besides a death, and he's right.

And I am SO TIRED right now, all I want is to have my meds work and go on a long vacation. That's all. From everything. ( Technology included!). Is that so bad!?! Welllllll, I think you helped me answer that: NO. It's not. And if I can forgive myself for being imperfectly human, more the better. Thank you, Trina, for your kind words of support. They help more than you know...


(I should also give a shout out to my old friend Lisbeth whom I called a nervous wreck on Tuesday after the OCD kicked and panic had about kicked my ass. She prayed for me. I also called Ron's friend-- I guess my friend too!--Janie, who is Wiccan like me, and she lit a candle and gave me the heads up on how I knew the right thing for myself ( what I was ready to do --unfriend or not--)but it was likely the illness that was making me second guess, not the Universe. Christian, Wiccan, or Whatver: I put alot of stock in prayer- from anyone. There is strength in prayer, like it or not. Call it "sending good vibes" or "sendind energy " from my Atheist friends-- that's okay too! It's all the same, and it all says" I don't know how to fix this, but I need strength, so help me out, okay?" to the Universe. I tend to take it a bit further and say " God/dess, I'm turning this over to you, and you've got to help me" and let it go from there, when I feel overwhelmed. Anyone can call that "You're just turning it over to your Higher Self" if they like, too. I just know that for me, a Higher Power is a great thing to have around, and being reminded that I am not alone, and I am cared for and that I will be helped is a miracle in times like these, so I thank everyone for that. But I especially thank Lisbeth and Janie and Ron for talking to me the other night and reminding me.)

But after Monday....well, the fact is, I'm just sick. My antidepressant, after TWO raises in dosages now is just flailing away like a stick being waved at a lion. I've got the PTSD blues big time- so raw and unnerved that I can't even leave the house lately. It's pretty bad.

And I'm mad as hell I'm here again. Just PISSED. And just...godfreakingdammitall, I try my best to take care of myself and take my meds and take care of my emotional business. And why NOW? Why can I take all manner of stressors for years and years- other breakups included-- and then I just snap like a twig now? Who knows? All I know is that the solution is always the same: CHILL and seek help. My only goal now is to avoid the hospital. Egh.

Good times. Good times.

Keep those good vibes and prayers comin', y'all......