Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Okay, this is really getting to me, so I'm posting. I'm having a really hard time lately, obviously, keeping it together. I know there are people out there who have it way worse than me right now so I feel stupid even worrying about this kind of stuff. People have died, leaving families behind to mourn. Money is tight for everyone, and people are trying to decide whether to go to one doctor versus another doctor when they really are in crises and need to do both ( Hi, Rusty. Make BOTH of the appointments, already, okay? I swear I'll LEND you money if you need it, that's what family is for!). Other people are losing their homes versus worrying they'll have more than one! NOt to mention, I've been a little embarrassed that, in the past, my blog has been nothing but the boring, whiny details of my little dramas writ large. Even when the dramas have been big, I'm embarrassed that I've gone on about them so. I probably shouldn't be embarrassed- this is my blog and all, and it's for me to use as I see fit. But reading back, I'm just like....snoooooozzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ack.

Anyway. I know all I've been doing around here lately is whine and cry, and I feel guilty about that too. I'm really sorry. I guess I'm just struggling. Everything seems like it's a HUGE deal and like its just going to crush me. I suppose I don't have a lot of emotional reserves to deal with ANYTHING lately, which really sucks. And again I apologize for sounding like I'm whining. I really am sorry. I don't want to be that person. But I guess I am That Girl, once more: the girl who is grieving and confused, and well, like it or not, you walk it out til its the end of your path. At least that's been my experience in this life, fair or not fair. So, I do the best I can to keep myself balanced, but look, I'm sort of UNbalanced lately. I guess if anything, this blog is here to help KEEP me balanced. I've never been able to not put everything out there and stay healthy; I'm not a good suppressor for very long ( which is funny, because Sassy is the exact opposite. I don't mean that as a jab at Sassy, because sometimes I envy her emotional reserve! I think sometimes we pick friends and lovers because of the things we need to learn. Maybe I actually could be serving a purpose by being squeaky wheel? A thought.). We are who we are, I guess. At least you never need to wonder what's up with Jessica or where you stand. Usually you'll even find out stuff you didn't even want or care to know. ( See, if I were a real narcissist I would assume you gave a damn, and if you didn't, you SHOULD. Really, I don't know if you truly do, and it only matters to me if I have to explain it to someone in the midst of their requesting for an update on my life-- as well as being a poor suppressor, I'm also just lazy; it's easier for me if you've read the backstory already . I know. I'm terrible.)


So, anyway. Today I went in a deleted my whole folder of pictures of me & MC off of my Facebook page. When we first got together I had made this folder called "Sweets" that was full of our first real date when he came to visit out here- lots of pictures of us being disgustingly cute, and all the things we did and places we ate ( which always included desserts- because we both love them, hence the double meaning on the title. It's funny, I recall feeling a little bit of a whirlwind at the time I started it back in April; I worried that it was too soon to be announcing to the world that we were In Love, because maybe it wasn't going to work and wouldn't that be awful, and then there'd be all this photographic evidence of our folly? Geez *holding head in hands* Note to self for next time.....). That was tough. But I felt strong enough to do it, finally, and so I did. Still have hardcopies of all the photos for memories should I ever want to remember them, and he was apprised of the action well in advance so he could take what he wanted, and can still come and ask if he would like anything if he didnt grab them out of the public folder. ( There were some nice pics of his family, etc.).

I should mention that when we split, I decided I needed a Facebook moratorium for awhile-- it's just too easy to go off and see what your ex has been up to and worry about this or that or parse out this or that when you. Just. Don't Need to DO IT. My goal has been 30 days, and barring that little debacle with him week before last ( oh, another story- shit. See? I'm the Herman Fucking Melville of Blogging, I swear. Can't tell a sailor story without running into a whole history of whale oil and the progess of public street lamplighting since the 1800s. *Sigh*.....I'll make it quick: I got a notice I was tagged in a picture, I went and looked, commented, meant to leave, he caught me in there, said, "I thought you'd been on a break", I made the mistake of responding to him in IM, explaining why I'd popped in, and excused myself, and then he made an even dumber mistake by trying to flirt by telling me I looked hot in the picture, which was TOTALLY inappropriate and really insensitive, so I cut it off politley and excused myelf again. Whereafter I had a total meltdown and decided to write and say essentially we should avoid each other online for awhile as we were IN LIFE to give each other some healins space and that "pot-stirring" flirting of any kind is really not at all reflective of where we are, and take care. End of story, thank you, I'm not being paid by the page, ala Moby Dick. The end.)...where was I? Oh yeah.....
I've been staying OUT of Facebook pretty successfully and not cyberstalking at all. I have finally realized both intellectually and emotionally that to do so is only detrimental to me- it's not ever productive. It only makes you feel worse and all you're trying to do is cling to some idea that his life will have fallen apart without you, which of course it won't have, because no one's life ever does, no matter HOW fucked up you/they might be in the meantime. (May I simply note here that I've never been a BIG cyberstalker anyway, in any case, since it just feels "ookie"to begin with, AND, really, up til now, whaddya gonna go do? Look at someone's MySpace? Okay, problematic at times, but not really the worst. Google them? Woooo. I suppose you can do what some other friends of mine have done-- and mind you, I show them the compassion they need in this although I am resolutely against it-- which is break into their email. I personally think that is just asking to find stuff you REALLY don't want or need to know or can use and is a massive violation of boundaries. However Facebook presents a whole other series of problems. As you'll soon read about.) And each week stay out of there successfully, I get myself something nice, as motivator. (Nothing too expensive, just something sweet for just me. Week before last I got a scarf that was on sale, and this week I'm getting Paramore's CD , finally. OMG, I just realized I'm being all Melville again -a story attached to the story, the only benefit being that it's in hypertext this time. Frack. You know what? If you don't know who they are, you likely are a.) living under a rock and b.) don't care, so why did I even bother? Fucking Melville. I never DID finish Moby Dick, damn you, and no one is ever going to read this blog if I don't stop being so duly influenced! But I digress....)

In the beginnng, when this all went down, I had told him I'd be going on a FB break for awhile ( hence the comment from him). I just didn't want to do something all dramatic by unfriending or blocking or making "custody decisions" WRT friends, etc. I wasn't in the place for it, frankly. AND, I'd decided that when I can handle being in there and NOT cyberstalk is when I will go back, OR when I can handle maybe hearing from him vis-a-vis comments, OR when unfriending him for awhile without having a full meltdown is when would be best. I had planned on not really having to make the decision about which might come first for awhile. I hadn't been missing Facebook and was relieved to be free of the attendant drama that might ensue when our relationship statuses changed ( so high school. Can I just say it? Why? Why? WHY??? And yes, a million questions did rain down, but that's what I get for making a stupid folder and all the rest, and by and large, since they were in my personal email box, it was a little easier to manage, somehow.). I had said to MC that I might be up for talking sometime in August, and for a variety of reasons, that seemed like a good extension of a break ( a solid 30 days or so usually is the trick to kick, so they say in rehab.).

BUT as with all things heart-related, time becomes of no relevence to healing. As it turned out, my dear school friend V has been in town and in the dearth of having a good, solid group of strong women locally to talk to ( I have strong women friends in my area, they just have been sort of dispersed to the winds with their own stuff lately, ufortunately) , I poured out my angst. ( Poor V. We were just going to a movie, and I'd picked a romantic comedy ,--because she'd been shopping a rom-com script around this week, and I thought it would be informative and fun-- and of course, I burst into tears in the parking lot. ) Among other things, we talked about the Facebook Dillemma last night and I wondered if maybe I need some sort of closure like that to just be finally fully free of it. That's what got me thinking I should go ahead and do it today. Yeah. TODAY.

I pondered this question sort of casually, as I went ahead and checked his photo box,as I was curious to see if deleting the folder would delete any of the pics he was tagged in and hadn't saved for himself. ( I had asked him awhile back to get the ones he wanted out of there because I would be deleting it eventually. It turns out it doesn't matter? How weird.) I had to go through his front page to do it, but whatever. He hasn't been up to much and I wasn't trying to stalk. But the idea of not having to worry about it and unfriending him occurred to me again and again while I was in there. And I sort of began to dither about it, and it was causing me some anxiety.
So in the same way one might flip a coin, I hit this STUPID application, "Today, God wants you know...." ( which gives you an affirmation and such; usually it's pretty interesting and generally harmless ). It said, "Whatever you're needing to do, you can no longer wait. Do it now, not tomorrow. Now." I totally freaked out. I usually think things like that are signs. That might sound crazy, but I do. At any rate, it only caused me MORE anxiety to think I should make the decision NOW, and so on and of course I got really upset. REALLY upset....

Because, listen. I barely have enough strength right now to decide what I'm going to DO every day. I'm okay, but I'm not like Back To Normal Jessica. I'm sort of in the Jessica Is Pulling Herself Out of It By Forcing Herself to Get Out There and Do Things Whether She Likes It or Not stage. And making stressful decisions like this is the last thing I really need to be doing. But the confusing thing is, is it more stressful to NOT make the decision or to make it? (This is how my mind works these days!). I'm so busy trying to avoid more triggers and more stress that stuff like this makes me want to go hide in a cave for awhile. I just. Can't. HANDLE it.

And this is a really stressful decision for me: it's essentially cutting a final tie, and that SUCKS. I mean.....let me remind you: we connected and started to fall in love on Facebook. The poignancy and painful irony- OUCH. And.....we broke up just 3 weeks ago. I loved this man deeply and gave him all of my heart and it all went so fast. I have barely processed all of THAT, yet. I realize that well, I could be kind of holding on to this stupid connection out of a need to be just a little connected, but is that so bad? (Let it be said: I don't have any delusions of us getting back together. PLEASE. I really think that.....THAT would kill me. It would take his spending some quality time on the therapy couch and an epiphany brought on wings of angels trumpeting forth to get me to even consider it. I love the man, but I am NOT going back to Crazytown. And currently, he's conducting the direct train there regularly, even if he's not set up permanent residence. And I'm DONE with that ride. Period. ).

SO: it's not just bucking up and doing it, it's knowing when I do it, it will be like breaking up all over again for me, a little bit. As I've explained, when we split, we split on good terms, and even though I dont know when I'll ever want to be his friend or if that's possible, I don't want to decide that NOW, on any level, and this feels, even though its not, like it's permanent, or like it's saying something permanent. There are other complications: I feel no need to hurt him with the surprise of shock of suddenly not being my friend anymore. (Of course, there's no way he'll know unless he's been looking on MY page, but he'd figure it out eventually.)There's just no need for that, which would again, might add some finality to this simple act. I feel, for whatever reason, a need to keep that door open. It's been very strong intutively, all along, and it's why I broke up with him the way I did. I just didn't expect a struggle between doing so and being able to have some peace of mind, but welcome to the 21st century and all its attendant complications.

It's been suggested to me that I send him a note explaining that I just need some FB space and when I don't need so much of it anymore, I'll send him a friend request. Simple, right? Not really. I feel like THAT is as confusing as anything else, although maybe it's the best thing to do in the face of everything.

Can you say "mindfuck"? Can you say, "Social networking: painful, awkward and like living in the same apartment building with your ex and seeing him on the way to the laundry room every day?" There has to be a better way. There just HAS to.

At any rate, it's clear to me, whether I'm flying in the face of the Universe or whatever, I'm not ready for this decision. But of course I'm sitting here worrying about whether I'm doing the right thing! And why does such a thing like this exist to present itself as a problem? Why can't it be easier? I just hate it all: I hate the problem in the first place, I hate worrying about it, I hate being this needy person who worries about such dumb things, I just wish it would all solve it's own damned self. (And if God wants to send me any more messages, he needs to send me directives on how to pull those capers off and some money to pay the shrink bill when I flip out. )
Ugh. There you have it. The rantings of my overtaxed mind. My apologies, once more. In my next life, I'm coming back as a bug. So much easier: eat, sleep, poop, breed, get stepped on, The End. I can't tell you how appealing that sounds right now.