Now that it's Jan. 5 and all is still once more, I can officially say that yes, I survived yet another Christmas season.

I just didn't survive it with my job intact.

I wish I could say I am sorry for that; I'm not. I'm obviously not good at that job the way I should have been, in their opinion, and I'm not sorry for that, either. I had a moment, but I realized that asking me to be good at the things I needed to be good at ( like being nice to rude, stupid, lazy, entitled people for 8 hours at a stretch) is not something I'm likely to EVER be good at. Not for anything less than twice what they were paying me, anyway, and I'd probably still crack and be bad on a regular enough basis to know that I just don't have that temperment. I give in on that one. I have to: all the evidence is there, and I can't say I wasn't a.) warned repeatedly or b.) making a sincere effort again and again. I really was, on both counts.

I wish I did have that temperment, because I did like the other parts of my job: I liked helping people find books and making recommendations and figuring out how to help them solve a problem; I loved being around books and getting to read them all the time without paying for them! I liked my coworkers because they were all intelligent, talented, funny, highly verbal people, and alot of fun. But in the end, there has to be something better for me than going home as stressed out as I regularly was, with the kind of xenophobic, cynical faithlessness in humanity I was developing.

There has to be something better for me than having two degrees and part of a master's and getting yelled at for ridiculous shit by a manager who openly swears at his employees and disregards women in general as a regular practice, whom even the lower managers disdain as incompetent. There has to be something that pays more than what I was making and appreciates what how hard I do work instead of picking on the small ways I don't always remember to work.

I just think there has to be something better suited towards my success versus guaranteeing my failure.

And I'm going to find it.

Right now, however, I have to pay some bills before I hop off to Paris, so I'm going to likely have to suck it up and find something small to ensure that the power remains on for the kitties while I'm in Frogtown. Even if it's Starbucks, that's okay for right now, til I get back. It really doesn't matter.....of course, it would be lovely and ideal to get the dream job NOW, but I'm trying to be realistic in the 3 weeks I have left!

Other than that, I'm REALLY glad Christmas is over, even if no boxes of cereal arrived at my doorstep and by and large I was really blessed. I farking hate that time of year, and next year, unless I have some super-important place to be, I'm going to ditch and go to a beach somewhere and hide out. It's been my dream for a few years now; it's time to make it happen.

This year will be different. For the better. Just wait and see. I can almost guarantee it. It WILL. Because I say so.

So be it.