Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

.....And back to the regualry scheduled program of sanity ( *snort*), or at least a report on what's up in MY life:

Been working for Cherie for a week now, things are going nicely. I do my work, I get paid, I go home. Suspiciously normal. BUT ( and I know this will come as a let-down to some of you), I had to sign a Non-Disclosure/Non-Compete Clause with her this week, which means a.) I can't try to steal her clients ( no worries there) and b.) I can't talk publicly about any of her clients ( which are alot of people in the biz). So I suppose that means the end of my celebrity gossipping on this blog, although I did get the go-ahead from her to say things like "Very Famous Singer" or "Well-Known Actor". I probably won't though. That's just boring, and hey, I'd like to keep my job. Alas. *SIGH*.....I'll survive.

In other news, no word from the Autry. WHY? I have no f-ing clue. I'm going to call them on Monday, and see what their problem is. Seriously. I worked my ass off in my undergrad to get a job like that and I move here and it's like they won't touch me with a ten-foot pole. And may I remind you, THEY called ME! Did I present so poorly in person and didn't know it? Or are they caught up in some sort of bureaucratic nonsense? I WANT TO KNOW!!!

And, I'd like to pay off my credit cards this summer.....

Still, the excitement never ends: you'll never guess who called me this Wed. Dee! She was all in a tither about Jeannie and where had her ebaying gone? I was flabbergasted, because when I was getting the nasty emails from Vee in lieu of Dee, so was Jeannie, only Vee was threatening Jeannie with legal action. No legal action was neccessary, but well, you know.... anyway, Jeannie wrote back that she was taking her seller's name off the lot, and turning it over to them, and essentially, they still owed her money for posting, etc., etc., and they could effectively kiss her ass. It was then Dee's turn to be flabbergasted. She'd had NO IDEA ( of course. Of course. How she allowed this girl so much power in her life, I'll never get it, but it's not for me to judge), and when she expressed that, I said, "Dee, I don't work for you anymore, so I'll say this without impunity: that girl is RUINING your business. You should consider letting her go."

Dee responded, "I DID, Jessica, I did. And it was the messiest thing. You can't even imagine. I'm uncovering crap she'e been doing for weeks. I'm a mess, emotionally. I can't even think straight. I'm just in shock. I thought I knew her, she's been working for me for 6 months, she used to come to my house crying over her boyfriend and now THIS." Turns out that in addition to all the nonsense Vee pulled with Jeannie and me, she was throwing attitude around Dee's salon like it was going out of style. Like showing up a half an hour late for work. Like walking out in the middle of a work day saying, "I just gotta get out of here." Like throwing a fit when Dee suggested they hire a second colorist assistant to help Vee out. Finally, after all the stuff with me came to light, Dee had had enough, and the next time Vee was scheduled to work, she wrote her a check and said, " you need to get your things. I'm letting you go."

Only Vee wouldn't have any of it. She put on her apron, crossed her arms and said, "You can't fire me. I'm not leaving!!!" Dee said, "Vee, I mean it now, come on. This is not working out. You aren't happy, and your attitude has become intolerable. You're fired!" Vee leaned into Dee and said, " You're FAT. You're UGLY. And your kids HATE you!!!!!". And that's when Dee snapped, pushed her out of the way, and said to the salon owner's sister, "Rose, call 911." Vee went into a rage, then, ranting and raving, and generally acting insane, so Dee took her by the back of her hair and her apron and PUSHED her out the front door. Vee kicked and hit her so hard that Dee ended up with bruises all over her body. But that's not ALL!

Vee still wouldn't leave! ( My silent question: who doesn't leave when they get fired? How crazy is that??) And pretty soon, the police, the fire department, and the paramedics were on the scene for a FOUR HOUR extravaganza of She Said/She Did. The result: since Dee had pushed her first, she had to go to jail. And she did. For 4 more hours. It's crazy, but that's the law in L.A.: it doesn't matter how much you're being harassed. If you lose it and get physical first, then you're to blame.
What's more, Dee said, when she managed to get herself together enough to go to the bank later in the week, she discovered that her checking account had been completely cleaned out. Empty. $5100 missing. Turns out Vee absconded with it, although we have yet to discover how.

Well. WELL. And my thoughts on this insanity?

It wasn't ME. I didn't lose that job because it was ME. Even if it was part me, it was mostly THEM, and likely Vee. Dee says she doesn't know WHO to trust anymore, and is afraid of hiring anyone. I can see why...
...but I'll have you know that she offered Jeannie some $$ to still sell her stuff on ebay, which Jeannie promptly did. And she asked if I would come to her house and do some bookkeeping and filing for her. I agreed. Do I feel bad for Dee? Of course. No one should have to go through that with a lunatic of that porportions. But I'll tell ya, I feel uber-extra-justified now. How funny things turn out. Sometimes, it takes you a bit to discover where your true loyalties should lie, doesn't it? Both Jeannie and I could have just laughed, turned her down flat, and gone on with our lives. We didn't, because we both like Dee and know that inside, she's a good person, and you just don't walk over someone like that, if they're willing to be contrite and offer amends. I wouldn't, anyway.
I'm not stupid. I'd NEVER go back to work for her all the time....she's still a bit off, and frankly, I'm glad to be rid of the drama. But she's a good lady, and good hearted, and even if she did fire me unjustly, I think she's essentially fair minded when all the facts become clear ( she's a Leo- fair-minded and generous, despite their temper and egocentricsism). It's an opportunity for me to have a positive bridge rebuilt, for Dee does have her connections, and is an excellent hairdresser I didn't want to lose ( girls, I know you understand how important that is)! And it's a little money on the side whenever she needs the help.

Speaking of Leos, by the way, I got a note from Leo via email responding ( a MONTH later??) to my decision to stop the 'round-and-'round between us. I wrote a month ago or so in this blog that I was tired of arguing with someone who wasn't there, and who would then pop up out of nowhere when I had gotten sick of his absence ( either as a matter of course with his work or a tactic to avoid and dismiss) and written him off emotionally. I just decided to let it go. Sometimes the best way to "win" an argument is to not fight at all- there wasn't going to be a winner anyway. It was just going to cycle around, untill I lost my head.
At first I was pretty rude about it. Then I realized that THAT only kept me connected through anger versus the option of letting go peacefully. So I wrote this ( and I post it here with his permission, given to me long before, saying that "if any of these emails would ever help anyone to have read them on your blog, I don't mind your posting them, as long as they're anonymous."):

Dear Leo,

Please disregard my last email. I was attempting to set a boundary with you in a very poor way and I apologize for any harshness or cruel overtone.

That said, I DO think I am going to bow out here. As I've tried to express to you on numerous occasions, the after math of your visit has left me pretty upset. I know things seemed fine when you left, and even a short while after that. However, in retrospect and with some perspective, feelings often tend to gain clarity and the emotional climate and conditions then change.

Clearly, when you came to town, I was hoping for more of a relationship than you ended up being prepared to offer. I take responsibility for my part in that: I should have never had such high expectations or the set of assumptions I had developed, of a man who had just been left by his finacee. That is my issue and I do apologize. However, not sleeping with woman is not the only preventative in leading her to believe there could be something more. Other actions, sentiments expressed, and words exchanged count as well.

It is because of this scenario much hurt persists between us.

Unfortunately, though, our communications in attempting to resolve all this is not working for whatever reasons; I have my suspicions why and I'm sure you have your own. The bottom line is, healing is not taking place as it should. That makes me sad and frustrated, and at a dead end as to how to proceed further.

So, what I feel is best for us, as friends, is to not be in each others' lives right now. Perhaps some time and distance will assist in whatever way, ( as yet unknown), is neccessary.

I'm sure the Universe will throw you and me back into each others' paths again when the time is right for that ( it always seems to). Perhaps then our friendship will be renewed. Know that I look forward to catching you on the flipside of this space in our lives and that I still think of you fondly and care for you deeply. Take excellent care of your special Tigger self and rest assured that I will take good care of my special Diamond ( in the Rough of LA) self, too. (And you can always check my blog to see that I am...).
Don't forget to sing a few bars of "Jackson" just for me.

I wish you nothing but the best and hope many blessings come your way.
With affection and respect,

To which he responded:

I absolutely feel the same, Jessica. Do take good care of yourself and be sure to let your light shine unto the world. I think about you often, and when I sing Jackson. Thank you for being in my life. We will reconnect when the time is right...whenever that will be.


To clarify, he exceprted only the last paragraph of the email to comment on, so I am assuming that is all he wished to address. That's fine. Doing anything else would have kept things stuck, anyway. And it's enough; I hadn't expected a response at all. Getting a kind one is a perk, something that helps me soften toward forgiveness ( which, even if I never choose to trust him again, is essential for me to let go and be at peace). Beyond that, I assume nothing further about his motives. Will I see him again? Don't know. Is this what he wanted as his endgame anyway, and stayed slithery so I would go away on my own, versus his having to say 'get out' ? Don't know. Is he now shaking his head, glad to be rid of that "crazy" girl he so mistakenly visited? Don't know. Know this, though: doesn't matter. I'll be moving forward from here, and I'll just take the good from it, hope this truly is a kindness, and take this as a peaceful handshake. Besides, harboring any more toxic crappy feelings would just keep me in the game, or give me cancer later, defeating the purpose entirely, you know? Yeah.

Oh, and the reference to "Jackson"? That turned out to be quite prophetic. He'd called me one night from Florida, on his way back home from a gig ( he plays guitar when he's not Super CEO Man). We were chatting about the Johnny Cash movie, etc. etc., how we were both big fans, etc. etc. He said, "I've been looking for a girl to sing 'Jackson' with. No one will do it, though!" I was agog. I replied, "Get out of town! I've been DYING to sing that song! I'd sing it with you!" And we did. Perfectly. It was some weird kismet thing, I thought at the time, and now I know why:

We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout
We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out
I'm goin' to Jackson
And that's a fact
I'm goin' to Jackson
Ain't never comin' back...
(- Johnny Cash and June Carter, 1960)

It sorta sums up the whole deal, doesn't it? Fast and hot and then lots of arguing, and then....well, poof. "Goodbye, that's all she wrote," as June sang.

Sometimes I think life isn't such a mystery if you're paying attention. But only sometimes. The future is always an adventure waiting to be taken, I think. I suppose we can only look toward that with a measure of hope for the best and preparation for the worst. And as Lou Reed once said, "a busload of faith to get by." For sure, for sure.