Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Oh, okay. Bottom of page. Apparently, I'm a half-wit.

Third day of work today ( recall that I only work Thurs, Fri, Sat). We're getting ready to move the Hair Salon into a different facility and merge with a presently existing salon. In short- it's going to be a bitch. Mostly, I think, pour moi, as the Keeper of All Office Things and Filer of All Files. I'm getting one of those weird Bluetooth thingies, though and my own desk, so I'm hoping I can keep it all under control and actually see some benefits of having LESS Office Managing to do because my boss isn't the Owner anymore. Swear to god, though, if that thing rings in my ear and starts to get irritating, I'm not using it....

Once again, Spring and Beltane are here, and life rolls forward. I think about last Beltane and how agitated I was about Annie, and just fed up with M, and worried about Angel's tumor on his ear. Things have changed exponentially. Annie is long gone and out of my hair and last I checked, doing well. M is long gone and out of my hair, and I wish him well. And of course, Angel is cancer-free and growing fatter by the day in his ripe old age of 4.

In another passage , though, I am ever reminded of that which the Goddess teaches us: what is born will die, and life will renew itself when it is time, over and over. I see all this renewal, like I just mentioned, and then some. I'm grateful for all of it. Yet with that turn of the world, I am also looking down the barrell of another death, literally.

My poor, dear, old cat Griffin is now pushing 14, and has chronic renal failure. He's been SUCH a strong cat- he's been hale and hearty since the day I brought him home. I've known for a few years now that he's had this condition; his sister, my beloved 6-years gone Anais had it too, so it wasn't surprising to discover. But unlike her, he's rocked the house for a long time ( she had a congenital kidney defect that exacerbated her disease and kept her pretty low-key most of her life. She was, of course, darling and docile, and completely mine in her heart! But she's totally, totally different from her brother).
He's just not looking good. This is the first I've seen him sickly. He's lost a significant amount of weight in the last 3 weeks alone ( when Leo was here, I recall distinctly he still looked normal and fine, and he ate like a little piglet off of Leo's plate.). I know this to be a symptom of the last part of the disease from when I went through it with Nisi. When the kidneys really start to go, the stomach acids back up, and food isn't so tempting anymore. They are completely interested in how it smells, but not at all in eating much, even when the standard treatment ( 1/2 a tablet of Pepcid AC) is administered. I've started the meds, and I've seen an improvement in the recent spate of vomiting episodes, and I hope to see an even bigger improvement when I can get my hands on some IV fluids and start administering them subcutaneously ( can you tell I totally know this by heart- a sad heart, no less- ?) . But frankly....

....he's just winding down. He hasn't been able to make the jump up to the windows for awhile now, so I put chairs under them so he can still sit in the sun. He sleeps far more than Angel, and wants to curl up all the time, and just rest his bones, which I actually hear creaking a bit when he adjusts himself. He hardly touches his dry food, which I suspect is because he can't chew so great anymore ( I offer him his favorite things- Cheetos, crackers, chips- and he makes the valiant attempt, but gives up easily). My special little guy, he's getting old. I can't even imagine it. This is a cat who, when I was sick and staying at my parents', caught a full-sized blackbird in his jaws, STILL FLAPPING and cawing. My dad woke me up and said, "hey, your cat has a bird and won't give it to me! You need to come and take it." I thought Griff had jsut gotten a little sparrow or something; I'd been the recipient of "gifts" before. But NO: I come downstairs and out the back door, and there that little muscleman hunter is, prancing down the driveway with this giant bird, still alive, bringing it to me! I couldn't even get him to let go of it til I said, "Griffy, give it to Mama, boy. Come on." Then he opened his jaws in pride and much to his irritation, that bird flew off. I felt really badly about having to trick him like that- that was a good score! But let me tell you he didn't give it a thought. He just turned tail and went back after it.
And that's how he's been all along: fearless, strong, incredibly active and curious, and after Nisi died ( which was incredibly hard for me), Mom's Big Strong Protector. Even now, when I don't get up in a timely fashion, it's Griff's 30 minute Wake Up Service, untill I throw a pillow or get out of bed. He won't let a man in the house who's bad news- won't have a damned thing to do with him if he has a bad soul or might be Trouble. He still wants to sit in the sun every chance he gets , harasses Angel on a daily basis, and will chase the occasional bug if the mood strikes. Still, I have to be realistic. Every year I get with him- shit, every couple of months- is a blessing.

I don't know what I'll do when he goes. And I feel like a totally bad mom and really guilty for even trying to prepare myself for it. I just know I have to, somehow. I don't think he's ready to go on me, and I believe that's a big part of things. Nisi stayed alive for a good month longer than she probably should have, because ( I think) she knew I had to graduate school, and I needed her to wait( again, the guilt). Sometimes I think Griffin is waiting around for some Other Man, maybe a partner to take his place so he knows I'm taken care of. Is that silly? Maybe. But then maybe I'm silly anyway. He's family to me, a real soul and a real living being I am so lucky to have shared so many years with. SO for now.....

I just treasure what I have . I still tell him at every opportunity that he's The Handsomest Orange Cat Ever ( his offical title), and snuggle him close. I sing him his song ( don't ask me why, but every cat I've ever had had a theme song. Maybe it's something I subconsciously picked up from watching "Ally Mc Beal" . I don't pick them, they just come to me, just like when they get their names). Griffin is nothing if not musical; he LOVES it when people sing. He wants you to pet him and make him part of the music too. So I sing everything, but most especially, HIS song:

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
If you're young at heart
For it's hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If you're young at heart....
....For as rich as you are, it's much better by far
To be young at heart
And if you should survive to 105
Look at all the joy you'll derive out of being alive
Then here is the best part
You have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart.

My special guy. I love him. All the way 'round the world and back and forever and ever. He's the coolest. And nobody who ever met him would ever argue different. I think I'm gonna go hug him right now, while I still can. Give him a big old Mama smooch.