Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I haven't been writing much because so much has been going on, and I don't know how to explain it all. I've been wrangling with Big Bookseller, working, I had a nasty cold for a week, been wrestling with issues about age, boys, fate, karma....trying to talk my brother off the ledge and dealing with not having $5 to my name. I'm also up for a pretty serious job candidacy that I don't want to jinx by talking about....yet. I've been back in touch with some friends I thought I'd lost, with mixed feelings and results. It's been kind of hard to get time to write it all down. I've been really tired. Having a hard time findng words, or knowing who to talk to if I did have them.

But here's something for you.

Last night I cut 5 inches of hair off. I was up late and I don't know what came over me, I guess it was kind of a fit of pique. I'd been wanting to cut it off for some time now, since it's all dead, and it was ruined earlier this year by a very, very bad haircoloring incident. But I didn't, and was carefully trying to maintain it via these strategies from the hairdresser that dealt with said incident afterwards. I'm always very vain about my hair and I didn't want to give up the length.

Lately I've been craving to just cut it all off, and well, I guess I gave in.

I'd like to say I was in full control of my faculties, but I wasn't. I was exhausted and I was under the influence of my meds, which make me a little loopy a few hours after I take them ( I take them before bed).

But I can't totally say, "Yeah, the hair had to go and it was time and I didn't have the money to go to a stylist ( true)" or "I was loopy from meds ( true)" entirely. I think I was angry and frustrated and just feeling a little out of control with things in my life, and I acted out.

This really freaks me out on some level, because I don't DO those things. I just don't go around acting out like this-- I yell and cry and rant and rave an all that, and sometimes I get a little "fuck it" and impetuous and rebellious and sulk. I have on very rare occasion done something like get in the car and drive for hours just to "run away", but it's usually out of my system before I get very far. And I'm not manic-- I don't get manic, and I'm not exhibiting those symptoms. Right now I'm just exhibiting the symptoms of a very fed up girl who has done something she can't undo, and now is sort of freaked out by the fact that she did it.

Sassy commented "What do you really think is going on? Do you think it was some sort of unbalanced emotional thing?
I've really had it rough for the past few months and there are certainly times when I feel like acting out... you know, maybe if I do something out of line just once I won't feel so boxed in and pent up?"

To which I said:
"If I were to be totally honest I would have to say it wasn't like I was CHEMICALLY unbalanced or anything, since I wasn't all crying and hacking or anything like that. In other words, I didn't pull a Britney. But it definitely was a moment of emotional unrest, if you will....

I had just colored my hair with one of those dumb "washes out in 28 shampoos!" rinses again because I can't use REAL color because of aforementioned coloring mishap several months ago. But I just was so....ugh. It looked really cheap, and the ends were so dead, and no money, and so there was that. (I've been thinking about getting a Victoria Beckham for awhile, but too chicken. Now I have a cheap version.)But while I've been known to trim my ends myself, this was 6"!

But primarily, yes, it was that pent-up, frustration, goddammit, fuck this all, boxed-in I'm-freaked-about-a-number-of-things-I-can't-control, and I'm going to cut my hair. *Sigh*.

I did talk to the shrink who said there were worse things I could do and to take a big breath. I'm trying not to judge myself but I'm feeling, like "Wow, Jess, how wacko" and so forth.

Jesus, I didn't want to traumatize myself, but I kinda did. KWIM?"

Both R and the shrink offer that it's about change. It's the quickest way to change something and it's something you easily have control over. R even offered that he once got two haircuts in two days, because unconsciously, he thought it would change things. Not surprisingly, it didn't.

I dont know. I don't know whether it was a "I'm going to control THIS!" sort of thing, I suppose that was in there. I know that "I've had it, dammit, waiting for things to gain clarity or come through or be managable or understandable or whatever." I suppose that's wanting to reclaim my control over my life? Make sense? I don't get to say what happens, and I'm hating that feeling....

In the end, I am still a bit freaked. Not with the hair, per se, as it's not bad. I've certainly put in my days in HS during a serious New Wave period where I used to cut my hair all the time, so it's not a wreck ( it's more of a really short bob). More like this conversation with another friend, Mitzy, went:

Her: " I think the impetuousness of you is what makes you so interesting. I can't tell - are you really upset about this? Or is it kind of cool? Or both? You have some brass ones! And I would love to offer some (((((((HUGS)))))) to you - but only if you'll hug back. : ) "

"Oh you know, I'm a person who gets herself a wild hair up her ass and gives in. I guess in some ways I don't really believe in restricting yourself to things that might be interesting just because they might fail miserably. On the other hand, I'm not so young anymore, so I tend to TRY to avoid unneccessary drama WRT courting disaster and emotional wreckage. You can imagine that this is often a fine line to walk for someone like me.

I guess it's cool in the respect that I don't have any of this damaged hair anymore, which is a good feeling. It was totally weighing me downI've needed a haircut since like July, but I haven't been able to get one. And I was dragging my heels on cutting it all off. BUt I guess I had just about had it last night.

What's cool here is the fact that the hair is gone. What's not is that I took it onto myself to do it myself and if I had been able to curb my temper and frustration and reckless abandon for another few days I could have gotten paid and had it done the RIGHT way. I suppose it says something that I didn't pull a Britney and just take the clippers to it, and I'm not sitting here with a mohawk.

But I couldn't wait ONE MORE SECOND in my head. I just felt, I suppose, that this up on top of everything ELSE was going to make me snap. And there I went, *crack*. That's not cool. That scares me. I don't want to be on the edge like that. I'm not someone, with this illness, who can honestly say that being so frustrated and fed up always turns into something good for. I've been this upset and fragile before, and ended up in an episode. So I'm scared.

It also scares me that I didnt' really realize that I was this fragile. I knew I wasn't doing too great and was wrestling with alot of things, but I guess I didn't realize how heavily they were weighing on me. Now I realize they are. Very much so. And that feels overwhelming and scary, even though my hair doesn't even look that bad.

Thanks for the hugs. I think we both could use hugs right now! Of course I'll hug back. I always do."

So, you know. Just keep the hugs coming. I think I just really need alot of them right now.