Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Some updates on life in general. Are they drama free? Of course not. In fact, this week's installments are up to 25% greater in drama! CHOCK FULL OF EXTRA DRAMA! Hear that, people? MORE DRAMA FOR YOUR MONEY!!

Read on:

1.) Had a conversation last night with a friend of mine from Bookseller's cafe, Cynthia. Said another female employee asked her if Milton, the cafe manager ever gave her a creepy vibe. Of course Cynthia said yes, and told her about how I felt as well ( he flirts kind of inappropriately with me on a regular basis, which freaks me out a little, which Cynthia and I have discussed before). I found that disturbing that it's not just ME, it's someone else too, so I said I would say something to Mal. Cynthia gave her thumbs up.

I did talk to Mal, who told me that one other person had come forward about Milton making her uncomfortable ( he didn't name names), to which I said, "Well, I spoke with someone this evening who felt similarly to me and she in turn knew of someone else. I won't say who they were." He said, "You don't have to. But, now there's three of you. That's totally unacceptable. We will definitely have a talk with him and let him know he needs to be absolutely professional. "

I don't like turning in people for crap behavior, but well, I guess that's part of the deal.

2.) Told Mal I also knew that we were cutting hours because things were slow, but MY hours were lower. Why? Mine are MORE cut because whomever is there has to be backup cashier. I pointed this out to Mal last night, and he said ONCE AGAIN he spoke to Dil about letting me ring, and ONCE AGAIN, Dil refused. At which point I said, "Mal, if this continues on, -- and this is between you and me,-- but I AM going to be calling the ADA ( American With Disabilities Association) and THEN I will be calling 1-888-( the corporate hotline for complaints)." Mal said, "I know. "

He didn't even try to tell me not to. I think he's had it. He said he himself got in a huge fight with Dil a couple of days ago about EVERYTHING -- including the situation with me-- that's all fucked up because of him. And Martin blew up at Dil a last friday and called him "useless" and lost his temper. ( And Martin, beloved adorable Martin, doesnt lose his temper like that. So he must have been on the edge.).

Farking effing DIL. I have $5 for the rest of the week , my car is on "E" , and a bunch of checks that have bounced. Thank you, thank you DIL. Perhaps he will lend me $20 so I can at least get some gas to go look for another frickin' job.

3.) This one's complicated, so bear with me:

Once upon a time, when I lived back in STL, my friend R used to be the film critic at the local version of LA Weekly. Through R, I met Jeannie, who used to work for him before she moved to LA a long time ago. Jeannie essentially gave me the apartment I live in now, since when I moved here, she was pregnant and getting married and needed to move, and I needed a place to live. Sweet deal. Jeannie and I are like sisters- really close, so I know lots and lots about her.

Recently I was talking to R about this movie that Mr. Gumdrops & Feathers ( I gotta come up with something better for him, name-wise) was in, as it was shot in STL and is getting some attention from the SciFi channel, and was a big deal back home. I said, "Do you know of this movie? I don't remember what it's called, blah blah blah." R says, "OMG, not only do I know of it, it was directed by JEANNIE'S EX, Wiener ( pseudonym aptly chosen, I assure you.). Also, the attorney I work for ( R works in an attorney's office doing other things to pay the bills) is brother-in-law to the producer. AND, I knew some people who were in it...." so on and so forth.

Okay, that had me cracking UP. Mainly because Wiener and Jeannie moved out here TOGETHER 20 years ago and he was TOTAL DICK to her; lying cheating, stealing, the whole nine....( plus many, many other stories of note. Including the time she made a plaster cast of W's penis.Which she then showed to me.... but I digress). But anyway, I thought it was even FUNNIER that of course, of all the stupid places Gumdrops & Feathers decides to work when he moves to LA is the Big Bookseller branch *I* work at.

So R says, "Go check out the website" ( which I did; great trailer, Weiner!) I'm poking around, and even more ridiculousness ensues when I realize I went to school with the DP and the costume designer. Oy vey, the irony. ::Eye roll:: ( Oooh, and additionally, I get to see pics of G&F's girlfriend who HELLO! Has my. Exact. Hair. And skin and....well, I don't say this very often, while is a pretty girl, I happen to be waaaaay prettier. I know, hilarious!! Okay, you can stop laughing now.).

Anyway. All these little coincidences? It just won't stop.

So naturally I email Jeannie and she has a howl at the whole insanity and SHE emails Wiener, who thinks this is also pretty unreal and asks --of all things-- "Is she hot? Because Gumdrops & Feathers is single." Jeannie being the good pal that she is sings my praises and he says, "Oh, she should totally move in, blah blah blah." Jeannie calls me up and I explain, "Uh, I don't know, because he's all hung up on the ex, if she's an ex at all at this point, I'm not keeping track, etc." and Jeannie pauses and informs me, "Well, I hate to say this, but Wiener is not exactly known for his discretion. He's likely to call G&F immediately and tell him this entire thing, including the part where you like him. " I just say, "Alas, he had to find out somehow, so whatever. But you know what? I'm going to call him FIRST and leave him a message letting him know I talked to you and you talked to Wiener and Oh, LORDY, ISN'T THAT FUNNY? Because I don't want him to think I'm sneaking around or something, 'cause I'm not. But maybe this will FINALLY get his attention on ME the way I WANT it." Jeannie wishes me well and hangs up.

So I do call G&F and leave an-oh-so-hilarious message, telling him the WHOLE story, and saying, essentially, isn't that ironic, and it just goes to show you and god, STL is such a small world and LOL.

He doesn't call me back. As of yet. Which leads me to believe the following:

He hasn't called me back, so I'm wondering....well, I'll bet he's not interested in me and is probably doing his best to discourage it. I have a funny feeling, that's all. Not JUST because of the fact that he hasn't called me back, but because I left him a message last week about something else entirely and he didn't call back. When I saw him on Sat at work, I was like, "Uh, dude, are you mad?" He said, "No, should I be?" and when I asked him about not returning my message, ( which was sort of not something you'd ignore ) he said, "I'm just really bad at calling people back."

Uh-huh. I guess that's why you called me back the other two times I called, but then again, those had to do with plans and work. So I'm sort of suspiscious about it. He's either rude or trying to blow me off. Which is worse?

I'm so not good at these high school type games and romance. I can't deal with the constant parsing out of what things MEAN and what they might NOT MEAN. I never have been good at it, but when I was younger I had far more patience for it, whereas now, I'm just like, "Oh FUCK THIS."

And I bet he doesn't call all week, and I won't see him, at work til MAYBE next Sunday. Which brings me to the following:

Fuck it. Maybe he's just an ass, and maybe I'm wasting my time.

Jeannie's comment is that I'm reading way too much into it, and I said, "I probably am, but why on GOD'S EARTH is this person in my LIFE with all of this FUCKING coincidence then? And WHY is it that EVERYONE on the planet has a boyfriend but ME???" I mean, for real, even Kiera ( little sweet Kiera, --who is teeny and kind but very plain-- from work) has a boyfriend; (granted, it's Darrell, this dorky blond guy at work, but still.) . Everyone else my age is MARRIED. I'm just TIRED. I am sick to death of thinking about it and worrrying about it and feeling sad or wondering what I'm doing wrong, and so on and so forth. It's exhausting.

It is. Finding someone to go on dates with ( or signing up on matchmaker sites or scoping out people or asking friends if they know anyone) is exhausting. Dating itself, frankly, is exhausting. Getting to that first date? Alot of work. If that date is a nightmare? Wrings the enthusiasm right the fuck out of you. Waiting for a call from someone you went on a date with and liked? Nerve-wracking. Getting through a couple of dates til there's something of a There there? Absolutely ridiculous.

And let me add that not dating is exhausting as well. Seeing everyone around you paired up, and never having an escort to events or even someone to do things with besides your girlfriends --who are usually busy with their kids and their boyfriends and hell, just their lives-- is awful. Getting up every goddamned day and thinking, "Well, why bother? It's just me." is pretty depressing. Knowing your friends are stymied but want to help, or don't even GET how bad it is at times, while they are focused on their own couple-centric lives? Frustrating and really, just almost too much to bear.

I've tried to be upbeat about it and that usually works for a couple of months. In the end I just end up more exhausted from trying than anything else. The bottom line is that I'm okay with being by myself; I really am. I go to movies, shopping, etc.-- all kinds of stuff alone and I actually enjoy it. So it's not that I'm just a big ol' hapless unentertaining whiner. It's that the world is made for pairs, at least it seems that way. And there are only so many times you can go through phases of crippling lonleliness and then pull yourself out of it, or try to keep your chin up, before you just get TIRED of doing it. It's not fair. It just isn't.

Do you think I have brought this point home enough?

So I wrote Cherry tonight: "So if you see Mr. Gumdrops and Feathers before I do, be sure to punch him for me and tell him he's a self-centered moron and to never ever speak to me again, because either he's a dick or I'm overreacting, or very possibly both, but I CANNOT. COPE. ANYMORE. " Screw it.

So that's it. EEEEEEEVERYThiNG sucks. Don't even call me to bitch about your life because I don't wanna hear it right now. Unless you are on the verge of total collapse, I can't hack out a space toward the light for you. I'm too busy trying to crawl out of this hole myself.