Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A transcript of a recent email should bring things up to date:

April 5, 2006


In light of this outrageous acne/hives attack, I am going to Urgent Care. I keep putting medicine on it and it keeps getting worse. Frankly, I'm also wondering if I am not allergic/or reacting to some of the oils at work. I wash my hands> constantly there, but I have to change sheets, wash towels, etc, which after a> massage are loaded with bacteria and oil. I don't intentionally touch my face, ( in fact I make it a point not to, and swab down everything I touch with alcohol every chance I get), but I can't stop the phone from ringing off the hook. And when it rings in the middle of me doing 9 other things, I have to pick it up no matter what state my germ-ratio is, KWIM? At any rate, it itches like a motherfucker ( I suspect all the products I have> loaded on my skin has caused this irritation), so I took the afternoon off and am going to sit> there for hours untill some asshole can go "oh, here's a prescription" and let me go after 5 minutes. Arghhhh!

Like I mentioned before, I believe some of this HAS to be psychosomatic. I am very anxious about Leo's visit. He's been doing this sort of weird "I adore you/ I'm going to retract now" game and I'm damned bored of it. It used to be he'd email me several times a day, now he just goes AWOL for no reason. And I've tried to address a few concerns of mine ( where is this going, it's taking the shape of a real relationship, I think we should discuss parameters, etc) numerous times, and he> demurs, wanting to talk about it when he arrives. I know he's been flipped out lately about the> whole Bella Thing ( his ex-finacee), and she had the chutzpa to call him this weekend at 3am and want to come over! Never mind that she's married to someone else and ran out on Leo and all that. After that phone call, he spent the day in bed watching movies. Can't say I blame him. Anyway, he's clearly a mess. But I'm a person,too, and I can't , as they say in Al-Anon, court injury in the interest of someone elses> recovery. I can't neccessarily just be someone's Safe Lap For Right Now.In some ways, I think, the skin is a "Don't Touch Me" thing. Don't touch me, don't get any ideas,> don't hurt me, don't use me and throw me away,> becaus I can't take it. So my body is making sure anything sexual ( even if I want it, and my judgement is clouded by lust ) doesn't happen in the first place,> even if I dont have the confront him about what's going on between us. That's a conversation I dont want to have and a confrontation I dont want to make. He's too fragile and it's too hard, but I have to say SOMETHING, tactfully and gently. Argh,x2

Lastly, I have been working on this house in the> interest of his arrival for a month. It's just chaos around here and last night when I was up sewing at 3am, I reallized that the part of me that is so fucking concerned about what he thinks is this adolescent part of me. This part of me that has experienced his harsh judgements of situations in> the past, and wants his approval, as if I need it. It's like some out-of whack high-school reunion, where you have to look perfect and put your best foot forward so everyone> thinks youre successful.... it doesn't help that he's got this multi-million dollar company he owns and is CEO of, drives a Jaguar, flies all over the world, and is uber-mensch to his friends. I know I'm doing The Comparison Game ( as a therapist would put it) and that I shouldn't be,> because I am valuable to many and have a good life rich with friendships even if my checking account is perpetually overdrawn> and my yard looks like Desert Hoosier. Still, it's hard, Sassy, it's hard.

Well, I dont expect you to respond to all of this, I just needed to vent. Argh, x a million.
Love, J