Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Monday, January 14, 2008


Just me bitchin', I promise:

After corresponding with Mr. Naughty for a week, and his assurances that he thinks we'd be a fine fit and it doesn't matter that I'm not as kinky as he is, he's not worried, anyhoo, well, fuckity fuck fuck, he has to go away from Thursday-on to go save his ass from being laid off . He'd told me there was some drama at work he had to attend to- but when I didn't hear from him Sunday night, I was thnking, "Hmmmm.....". So I write this note saying that if he's no longer interested, that's cool, just let me know. He writes back that he was sorry he couldn't get back to me, as (aforementioned), and so on. THEN he says he was about 3/4s of the way through a long-assed note to me and with the few days to think it over, I maybe AM not kinky enough for him, and I seem to date at a different speed. That he really enjoyed talking to me and but we probably weren't as compatible as he had hoped.

*we pause now for the head banging against the wall*

Can I just add here that I reread some of his original emails and had been thinking, " know, Jessie. maybe you're getting worried over nothing." A mental review of my past ahem, adventures seemed to reveal that I, um, er, well.....let's just say a little compromise here and there and we might be as happy as clams. So I was less worried and more into the idea of meeting him.
Especially since I've been emailing three other guys over the week and only one of them merits talking to continually. The other two are just plain boring and help-me-I'm-smart-but-have-a-stick-up-my-ass. The one that HAS been interesting is not cute. NOT cute. And may I add, I emailed ALL of them first? NONE of them emailed me. I have YET to receive ONE email. I get viewed alot, but nothing else much.

So I emailed him and said, "hey ! Wait up! This is what I've been thinking. If you think it still might be cool, call leave it to you...." I highly suspect his answer might be the same.

Which is just as well, I suspect....I guess...godDAMMIT, I really like him and yet, remain a bit on the fence, and if he just would have been willing to go on a date....oh, fuck it. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. The LAST time I said "give this a shot" to someone when there was transfixing chemistry but a bit of unsurity on the rest of it, I ended up with Anthony. But in this situation's defense, with Tony it was more than a BIT of being unsure! This was just a little!

Oh, fuck it. Who knows. Maybe I'm being spared some horror unimaginable. And yet.....

Here I am at 39, and no date for my birthday. Again. Gosh, Jessica. How long has it been? Well, America, I haven't had a date for my birthday since....1994. Yes, that's factually true. That's the year I broke up with James, and I have been unable to sustain a relationship in a steady manner to actually have a date for my birthday OR Valentine's day for THAT long. I haven't had sex on my birthday since then, or Valentine's Day, or Christmas, or New Years since then. Yes, thank you very much. What's that? When's the last time I had sex? Oh, my. Let's, I'm not even going to tell you that. It's too damned awful for most normal human people to imagine. . Yup. And with my luck, it's going to stretch right on ad infnitum just like it did before without even a blip.

Of course, I don't want just any guy, right?

Frankly, I don't give a shit anymore. Is being with some cute boy with a mild taste for kink really going to ruin me so badly that I can't function? Will it really prevent me from finding my soulmate? Does it even matter? Is it ever going to happen ANYWAY? I don't know. I just can't think about it without crying anymore, and well, you know how great of a mindset THAT is in going into a dating situation. But you can't UNDO being in the state I'm in without SOME hope, so it's a horrible, horrible Catch-22.

What did I do so wrong in a past life to be left like this?