Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Don't know if you, Dear Reader, will be out working today or shopping, ( I pray it's the former, because the latter is too awful to even think of....) but I exhort you to have pity on Sassy and Others In the Retail Biz if you do go out. They are trying to make a living, and they are doing the best they can. They do not truly hate you. They just want to sit down and have a soda and try to rest for a few minutes before handling the onslaught that IS this Capitalist Extravaganza of a Weekend....

As for me, Thursday, I was actually OUT having a nice holiday! I went out with my friends Bill and Denny ( new) and they're actually friends with a bunch of industry folks ( writers, editors, etc.) One of their friends is a painter who lives with his wife in Marina Del Ray, ( a beautiful part of LA, right on the Marina- duh- next to the water) and hosted a very good dinner to which I tagged along. Good food, good conversation, nice people, excellent was really a good time. Lots of hilarious stories and my favorite, pumpkin cheesecake, so not a bad deal. The hosts took a liking to me and invited me back anytime, so I will hopefully get to go back for another event. Denny keeps saying, "Ooh, Jessica, you never know! These people are industry, so.....!!!" Well, that's a good thing, I admit, but I enjoyed the company just for itself, nonetheless. That's a pretty rare thing in this town.

I even had a nice Friday. I went to Ron and Roy's and we had leftovers galore. Two whole days where I laughed and ate and was actually, pretty okay. I have eaten my wieght now in turkey with no bad (seratonin- tryptophan, the stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy, is a precurosor to seratonin in the brain) side effects, ( other than wanting to take a loooooong nap) and half of a pumpkin pie, so I think I'm feeling better (physically), too.

I discovered a new source for awards screeners via my friend Roy who is a SAG member, and is starting to develop quite a cache. We watched "The Illusionist" with the fabulous Edward Norton and the fabulous Paul Giamatti, and the-sort-of-eh Jessica Biel. I enjoyed it found it the story line very interesting ( I actually just got a book on that era and Spiritualism, so it tied right in) , and it has exquisite cinemetography. I found some of the "surprises" a bit predictable but it kept my attention fully. I recommend it highly.

At any rate, goddammit, I'm going to watch everything this year before the Oscars if it kills me!

A whole two days of "good". Not just "normal" but "good". That makes me really happy. It gives me hope I can continue to heal and have some good times in there, too. That really helps should the healing get hard, to hold on to that. My favorite holiday has come and gone without incident, and with actual fun involved. Color me....pleased and sated.
Two updates, one major, and one semi-major:

1. MySpace is Really Run By Space Aliens Who Have NO Regard for Human Relations

Somewhere around last Sunday, feeling finally resolved and at peace about how to put all the Anthony Crap in my past, I felt confident enough to go check my mail in MySpace and not worry about wanting to stalk/check, because frankly, I'd had enough of him and everything to do with it that I could stand. Additionally, he'd made his profile private after the Mandy Debacle and that gave me a big sigh of relief that some random lonely Friday night down the road when I wasn't feeling strong, I would not be able to do a little bit of cyber-ex- stuff to make myself feel better ( who feels better after those things? I want to KNOW. I sure don't, dammit. ). But I logged into my inbox and saw, via an old email of his sitting in my box that he'd made it public again, much to my panic and chagrin. AGH! Just when you thought it was safe to avoid your ex because he spends months out of the country....THAT'S when they invent this noxious website.
Of course I went into a full on panic mode. I didn't want to shut my page down, because dammit, that would be saying I didn't have a right to be there. I didn't want to lose all my old emails from him, ( an idea hotly contested by my friends, 50/50, across the board; but frankly, to me, they're like old journals, which I always keep. A moment in time, captured. I don't neccessarily read them all, ever again, but I WANT them. ) or any of my other emails, either, and when you shut down your page, you lose EVERYTHING. I just wanted the temptation to check to NOT be there. Because even if I kept that page open, I'd have a direct *click on* link to his page whenever I wanted it. If it wasn't there, I'd have to go through nine kinds of rigamarole to find it again, and by that time I could have done something to HELP myself, instead of just *click*.

But as with all things, I've discovered, the threats from the outside world are rarely as big as the ones within our own heads. I can't keep the outside world safe; I can't ask it to do what I want. I can only do what I can do for myself to keep myself safe, and that's that. Except I tried to go in and get all my emails out ( leavng the option later to shut down the page if I wanted to. I hardly ever use it anyway, and as the titular header implies, am growing to hate it ), but because of ther way their matrix is set up, the ONLY way to do it is to select/cut/paste every.Single. Email. I ever wrote.
Given the idea that even checking his page was sending me into paroxysms of anxiety, I DIDN'T think my having to open alllllllll the old letters, read them, and select/cut/paste them into a file on my desktop was a good thing for my mental health. Hell, even thinking of it sent me into a crying fit. (Emotionally exhausted much, Jessica?). I tried some alternate ideas, like having Kit change my password so I could leave it for about 6 months untill I felt ready, and that lasted a whole hour before I felt so....wrong and weird about it I had to ask her to give me the password back. I don't need a babysitter, I need help solving the problem at hand. ( Clearly, I need help with something....).

R attempted to help by trying to contact MySpace directly ( or as directly as possible) and ask them if there was some sneaky way to get all the emails out in a bulk file, so I wouldn't have to read them all. Here's what happened with that:

Okay, first i sent a simple question to MySpace asking if it was possible to store all of a person's e-mail files in one big file, possibly convertible to a text file. I got a response that was entirely a boilerplate answer: basic how-to-add-and-remove-friends stuff.
So I sent another request in, basically the same question, and I got a response that said

That issue is currently being resolved. Please be patient.
Thank you,

What issue? How is it being resolved? ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

My sentiments, exactly. So much for tech support....
Finally, I asked DR if I could PAY her to go in and cut n' paste all of them ( 150, no less!!) and put them in a compressed word file and send them to me, whereupon I would tuck them into a nice little place on my hard drive and live happily ever after. I was less than thrilled to be asking one of my oldest and dearest friends to essentially go in, peruse my courtship with Anthony close up and then sit there for what would certainly be several hours worth of work getting them out of that place. I even threw the I-Ching about it and all it said was that if I was wise I would do what I had to do, ask for help, and quit whinin' ( essentially, anyway). So I sucked it up, and she did it, graciously.

It's funny, the second I had a solution to the problem, I just didn't care anymore. I realized, like I said, this was in ME, not out THERE. And if I'm ever going to move on, I have to address my need to check/stalk in the first place, after all. Some of it is normal ex/breakup crap, I'm sure. Some of it was wanting to know he was still alive ( as opposed to shot and killed, given his job). Some of it is crappy self-defeating behavior, which we all have in relationships, and which is on us to figure out what it's about. That's what I pay the shrink for, so rest assured, she'll be hearing the whole story.

But it's really comforting to know that I don't have to cope with that kind of proximity, and possible temptation, right now, nonetheless. It just makes things a ALOT bit easier for me, even as I work on my garbage, and lord knows, I appreciate any perk like that right now. Hallelujah, and praise Whomever!

I'm just glad it's resolved. After Dawn did it, I emptied out my trash bin and that was that. And it was a little weird and emotional, but mostly, I was relieved. I don't get to know if he's still alive or not, but that's something you lose when you date someone who works in the kind of job he has, when you fall out with them. And it's not like any of us really know what happens to our exes when they leave our lives; that's part of the deal. A hard part of the deal, but how would we move on otherwise? Exactly.

And I still have my page on MySpace. So I can take my time deciding whether I want out without it depending on Anthony or not. Which makes me feel like I have some power back, and that I truly am happy about . Gotta love DR. She rocks!!

As for MySpace....they SUCK. Nobody but aliens would devise a plan so widespread and nefarious as to hook a bunch of total strangers together and keep them so utterly distracted by NOTHING, and then make them impossible to unhook by means other than the most annoying and time-consuming methods. As we sit at our computers now, leaving Sparkle comments for our "Friends", they're taking over small towns and villages and insinuating themselves among us. Just wait and see.

2.) The Yuppie Flu, Even Though Now They're Just Called Retirees

I'm sick. Master P had sent me over for a few random tests, and recently and one of them came back positive. It seems I have Epstein-Barr - once again. Goddammit!

I had it in 1995 and it was the worst thing ever. Literally, I could barely take care of myself. It's not like the flu at all; more like a case of malaria, where you're stuck on a cot in the back part of the Sub-Saharan tent you've been housed in, left to die. I wish I could be exaggesrating, but I am not. It was a big thing for me to move from the kitchen to the living room, and then to the bathroom a couple of times a day, the weakness was so awful. There's this short period where you've got the URI symptoms, but those go pretty fast. Then it's just the bone-crushing fatigue and reoccurring fevers and inability to sleep properly and some sort of weird delerium where even concentrating on "Oprah" is a chore you can barely accomplish. This lasts, by the way, for at least 3 months.
And then there's the "recovery" period, where for at least 6 months, you're tired all the time- not bone-crushingly tired, but just sort of "dammit, I need to get some stuff done, and I am just so tired and I can barely do it" tired. This is usually the period where the doctors start looking at you funny like "hey, you're over the acute phase, snap out of it!!!". Fortunately for me, my GP at the time was also a homeopath, and he pretty much saved me from it becoming chronic , in a form like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or hepatitis, or just, you know, hunkering down in my system waiting for a rematch.

However, it contributed to, I believe, my developing a fun little disease called Interstitial Cystitis later that year. Commonly only seen in older women ( like about 50+), I got it at 26. It's not communicable, and not genetic, and so....I personally think the illness settled into my immune system that way, and left me with an incurable disease. (I've been lucky, though. I haven't had the problems most women with the illness do- no constant pain or problems with intercourse, etc. )

But on to now:
First, you can look here for a better description of what EBV is, how it works, how testing works, and what the general medical community thinks of it.
And now, allow me to translate:
Well, when you have it acutely, it shows up as an infection with antibodies. That's what happened in 1995. I was retested after about a year and had no acute infection antibodies anymore, just evidence of the recent infection ( also an antibody test, but a different one).
I was very lucky, as I mentioned. A couple years later I got tested again just to be sure and still the same results. Same two years ago when I was in the hospital. All clear.

And when he ran this test, he ran a secondry test with it, looking for "chronic infection" levels. Those were clear, so it's not been chronic, nor has it been reactivated ( so the prior tests were right). Its a whole new infection. "Acute" the lab said. I want to go to an infectous disease doctor to see some other things, because there are a bunch of tests they can run to see what might happen, how your clinical picture might develop etc, and possibly cut those off at the pass.
Not that Western medicine, as the CDC says, knows what to do, neccessarily....

In another part of the picture, my titers ( the levels of the disease in my blood) were so low, Dr. thought that maybe the lab was "half a bubble off". The brackets they use are from 0.99 to greater than. My levels were 1.19 . I'm supposed to be retested this week and see what's up. Suddenly, though, everyrthing makes sense: I've felt like, every 2 weeks or so for the past 3 months, I've had to "shake something off". I sleep and sleep and sleep, and then I feel okay, and then I'm tired, for no reason. Then it starts all over again.

Anyway, what helped me the first time was acupunture, and homeopathy. Of course, there's no insurance for that. Mom will pay for acupuncture about once a month, ( although I'll need more than that) and I don't know how I'm going to pay for homeopathy. That's notoriously expensive. I don't have a homeopath here; I had a really good one in STL. I'm sure I can find one here, but it's the $$. There is no other treatment, in the Western medicine world. Of course.

Hopefully I will shake it off. Like I said, I'm not as sick this time. Just randomly every few weeks or so. No, no clue how I got it, as it's only transmissable by saliva ( so they think?) . I don't even know how I got it the first time....this time I asked if Tony could have been an carrier, since he works near 3rd-world conditions and his company's not good with the vaccines, and there's no vaccine for EBV ; he gets sick from the crap in the air there because it's full of fecal material( as I described before). Dr. said, maybe, but to quote him, "hell, eating out in LA is a risky deal since we're so 3rd-world too. One idiot who doesn't wipes his mouth and doesn't wash his hands..... " well, you see what the CDC said. Nobody really knows.

Not happy about this development, because it's not good news. However I am not utterly convinced it's the end of the world yet. (No, you can't get it from me unless I spit in your Coke or I break into your house at night and lick all your spoons. ) I'm still going to live my life. I'm just going to have to take extra care of myself for awhile, find some funding for yet ANOTHER thing in my life I cannot afford, and hopefully it will go away like it did the first time.

I need a vacation. Hey, wait...

3.) Perks of Knowing The Right People, or My Brother Grows Up and Finds His Compassionate Side

(Yes, I know this is THREE things, but I thought I'd save it as a surprise. It was to me!)

My brother ( 11 years younger than me, believe it or not!) was a rotten child. Cute, funny, smart as a whip, sure; but spoiled and pretty incorrigible. When he was in 8th grade he stood up in Catholic school and said he was an atheist and why did we all believe in God anyway? ( You can imagine how that went over. I thought my mom was going to DIE.) Things didn't go much better after that- he quickly got on the 5-year plan for graduating high school and couldn't hold a job to save his life. The Spoiled and Incorrigible parts of his personality started manifesting as Surly and Demanding, if not plain old Aggressive from time to time. The only reason I could stand him was a.) I didn't live there anymore, and b.) I told him flat out once when he got up in my grill with his angry bullshit that if he ever talked to me that way again I'd have him on the doormat with my heel against his throat, and not to even THINK about treating another girl like that as long as he lived. (After a short sulk and a cigarette, he apologized, and the message apparently stuck,because no problem has been had since).

Other than that , though, we comiserated on our parents' collective insanity and collaborated to overthrow their holiday madness every year. We got along. We had our talks, and are tight. Not close, but we kind of "get" each other, basically, and don't have any long-standing resentments or problems. I figure he's got his own road to undoing what my parents called "parenting", as it was radically different in some ways from what I went through ( the age diff and all) , and it's harder on him than my road was, in some ways. Still, I understand- he's gotta fight it out in himself untill he's tired of fighting so much and figures out a different way to live, just like I did. So I tend to cut him a wide swath in the "responsible adult" arena, and don't expect much from him in terms of expressions of affection, etc. ( He didn't have very good role models.)

However, in the past two years, he's somehow turned into Somebody Else. He got a job, moved out from my parent's house, got his own place, a dog, and a LIFE. He's kept said job for about a year now, with no incident, the dog is well, he's got a band that's not doing too badly, and is actually dating women in a fairly respectable manner. It's like this pod person came along and replaced my Shiftless Little Brother with a Genuine Decent Grown Up.
To evidence this massive turnaround, I got a call from him the other day saying that he'd found some decent airline rates to fly me home on ( he works as a travel agent). I was excited, but explained I had no money, and unless I felt like hitting up Mom and Dad ( which at the time, I just didn't; *sigh* ; it gets hard enough to hit them up for money as often as I HAVE to to pay my bills as it is. NOW who's Shiftless? Ah, how the tides have turned....) I probably had to pass. Thanks anyway...

You'll never guess what that little fucker did. He went and asked his boss if he could transfer his free yearly ticket to me to come home. Of course, they said no, company policy, blah blah blah. But instead of sitting there and towing the company line, he wrote them this sob story letter about how I've been sick and my parents worried and no money and god knows what else, and they CAVED, and gave it to him to give to me.

Yes, really. I know. I almost fell over onto the linoleum when he told me. Could NOT believe it.

What inspired this sudden and rather far stretch into something so demonstrative, I have not one clue. ( I said to him, "What? You couldn't think of anywhere to go yourself?" ) Of course he's playing it off like it's No Big Thang, but frankly, I'm floored. And really TOUCHED. My little brother! Goin' to the mat for his sis! Just because.

The whole thing makes me wanna tear up a little. *Snif*. ( Hey, I'm serious, now!) So anyway, I will be going home for ten days at Christmas, ( the Holiday I Loathe, but hey, I won't be here, at least!) and I am looking forward to it like it is the last dollar bill at a bachelorette party.

Sigh. Sometimes good things happen for no reason, just like the bad shit. THANK YOU, "Finally! A Repreive!" and "Keep it comin'" , that's all I've got to say! Amen to that, sister! Woo hoo!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Sigh. Sit down. I'll tell you the whole tired saga.....

I had NOT been writing Anthony at all. And actually doing better. Sad, but better, and eating and taking care of the house and my "duties" and ya know, functioning like a normal person somewhat again? I wasn't doing great, but I was hanging in there.

Then I fell off the wagon and looked in MySpace. Why? Because that place is eeeeevilll! Eeeeevil!!! And I had really bad PMS and I couldnt take my PMS meds because of the wretched seratonin syndrome problem I possted about, and feeling blue....and saw him macking hard on some chick.

Oh, I freaked out, I guess. I was knee deep into the "what did it ever mean to him?" funk, 'cause he's been seemingly moving on so fast. Then I got that weird coincidence with my pal John starting to date the Mandy girl and then the stories came OUT. And I FLIPPPED OUT.

So I emailed, and he hit the ceiling, and not surprisingly, scorched the earth with his fiery rage, which went on back and forth, for 4 wretched emails. And I closed the door on it, by finally telling him Goodbye, good luck, GET OUT!

I woke up the next day to a full on apology about how he realized he WAS full of rage and it was a problem. And that he was sorry. He told me the full story about Mandy- which was that while he was STUPID and trying to keep a possible friendship by inappropriately responding to her come-ons, trying to not hurt her feelings, he had had no interest in her as a girlfriend/ lover and and he had not wanted to be involved with her as anything other than a friend at BEST. He said he had promised her a photo shoot prior to meeting me and went through with it. That it was just art but was a totally BAD idea given that he'd started to date me. He said she was coming on to him the whole time, but he NEVER touched her, NEVER cheated. NEVER wanted to.

I believe him. I can tell in my gut it's true. It all fits with *her* histrionic personality and what *I* intuited at the time, which was that she was not a threat.
I think he was incredibly STUPID ( all caps again, yes) and emotionally somewhat infidelity(tous? adj.?)....I KNOW he loved me, I KNEW it then.

His heart was not with her. It was with me. I know that, and trust me, there are things women know. I'm very intuitve, as I've mentioned.....
I had always felt "funny" about Mandy, ( who is a COW, BTW) and asked about her often and teased him. I knew *something* had happened, but I was certain that he loved me, and had no interest in her and so I trusted. And I don't think that was a mistake. I knew it in my gut and I know it now.

And he said the same. And he apologized for betraying my trust ( and also said he realized he ahd been disrspectful in making the choices he did, and again, was sorry). He had lots of reasons why....--all stupid guy shit, all stupid TONY reasons-- that are no excuse. But he even said that, "I fucked up. No excuses. But I was faithful to you, Jessica. I wasn't trying to play you. It wasn't a game. It was real. I wanted a life with you. I just want you to know."
I believe that too.

And so THAT was it. I got some final closure on some other things, and then GOODBYE, GOOD LUCK..... I'ts OVER. No more.

SO don't want to talk to him.
Don't wanna see him.
Just want to MOVE ON.

I don't know why he did what he did. Like friends said, I'm not a therapist.
It's on him to figure out why. One thing I know- it wasn't about ME. It wasn't about how he felt about me. It wasn't because I didn't mean anything. And the rest, I just work on lettting go.
Sadly, I feel he's waaaaaaaaaaay busted. Too complicated for me.
And I don't need the pain anymore.
Don't deserve it.
Don't want it.
And am SO. Fucking OVER any idea of EVER being with him again.

Last night he sent me some funny forwards and my response was basically, "thanks for thinking of me!" One line. And it was hard, but I didn't go the extra mile to make it all nicey nice. I know he was just doing it to leave things on a positive note. So I let him and then didn't do anything else.
If he sends me anything else, I'm going to have to say as much as I care about him, I don't think we should be in each others lives right now. I hope he doesn't make me have to do that. I pray I didn't make a grave mistake saying I hope we could be friends one day, because I wanted to leave things in a good way, in case we can . (As a possibility, but no guarantees...)
But I didn't mean NOW !! I was specific with the "after much time and healing has occurred" part of the statement.

Right now I'm so traumatized by the whole deal I dont' even want to open my email anymore. I just want to run away- never a goood sign. I've been eating and sleeping. And therapy. And keeping the house up. That's about it. I have to just take it easy for awhile.
NO drama, NO problems, NO NOTHING! Argh.

I am in alot of pain. Hurting alot. And totally wiped out. Absolutely wrung out by everything in my life right now, from Griff's death forward, it has been TOO MUCH. I am emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted. I'm depressed and sleeping alot, and doing my best to hang on.

I'm worried about my health. But I see the shrink, I see the doc, have started acupuncture again, and am getting the FUCK out of this hellhole in less than a month to go home to see my parents, ( which can be bad in and of itself, but is at least quiet) and get some rest.

That's my story.
And I hope-- it MUST --get better from here. I am much deserving of a better life.
If you're reading this, I love you for caring. I hope I can count on that in days to come...
If you're my friend, You ROCK!
And hopefully someday soon I will again too.
I do, for surviving, but I mean like the verb again. That would be great. Myself. My life. Ah, to imagine it.....which is what I'm trying to do. Hope.
Believe. Like that tattoo on my arm says.
And hold on to the good stuff.
Hold on for MUCH better days to come, which must.

Monday, November 13, 2006

I am a lonely painter
living in a box of paints
I'm afraid
You're in my blood
Like holy wine
You taste so bitter
And so sweet.
I could drink a case of you Darling
And I would still be on my feet
Still be on my feet
Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a a box of paints
I'm frightened by the Devil
And I'm drawn to those ones - that ain't afraid
I remember that time you told me
You said: Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cuz part if you pours out of me
And these lines from time to time
You're in blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
I could drink a case of you Darling
Still be on my feet
Still be on my feet.

(~the brilliant Joni Mitchell, of course.)

So much for that as love song to me, from him, I suppose.....what's the point of it now? Of it ever?
I should have thought more before - remembered my alcoholic self, because while it's almost certain he still stands, I am not on my feet. I am floored and laid low, from pain, drunk from lack of sleep.
Waiting for comfort. Waiting for time to pass, so that healing will come, and for peace to invade me with some relief and release.
I pray for understanding and help.
I pray for compassion and rest.
I pray for sobriety and grace.
Well, the truth comes out. ( this is from a friend of mine on MySpace, who is now dating a girl Anthony was "talking to" when we first met, and was "just a friend with" while we were dating. He said she was "stalking him" and was "inappropriate" so he had to take her off his Friends list. I thought nothing of her, or of it. Funny thing is, Anthony was so jealous of John and his notes to ME, when nothing was going on. Irony!).

I am so stupid. I am so, so stupid.

I know you're all tired of hearing this dumb saga. I'm tired of living it. My heart breaks even further. I didn't think the pieces could get this small!! I don't know if I have tape or string enough to tie it together. I just want to crawl home and have someone hold me tight til all the pain passes away. Know what I mean? Below is a letter I wrote to the bastard. What can he say now to make it all right? I cannot imagine.
Besides, I am done. I have nothing left inside.



It's interesting what comes out in the wash. Remember John, the guy you thought I was all hot for and saw as such an insult to keep around, because of his comments on my page? That you were so angered by his hitting on me, and worried I'd been seeking comfort in his arms? He and I have remained casual friends, as we *always only* have been ( He writes me once or twice every two weeks or so). Haven't even met the guy in person, but he's nice enough. And wouldn't you know it- hilarously, he's now sorta dating Mandy!! You know, the "stalker girl" you spoke of. I was trying to be helpful to him and let him know that you had some trouble shaking her off when you weren't interested anymore, and funny enough, this was her side of the story, as you'll read below.

Don't know what to make of this information. I doubt if you'll want to talk to me about it, or even want me to hear your side of it. I would like to hear your side of it, though. Might as well.

But here's what I'm feeling right now:

I feel stupid. Stupid, stupid girl.

I knew that you had seen Mandy when you were home last, and that you had had coffee and dinner and that she was interested in you. A very nice girl, you said. A nice friend. But when I asked you (repeatedly ) if you were seeing anyone else, ESPECIALLY her, you ( repeatedly ) told me NO. I was the only one you were dating, ( and the only one you were sleeping with). Maybe you weren't sleeping with Mandy, but wow!! . According to her, you did alot more than go out for coffee a few times! Maybe in your mind, somehow, taking naked pictures of her and giving her the idea that she had a shot with you in the sack --while you were dating me!-- was okay, or acceptable, or innocent, or god knows what. IF THAT'S TRUE, IT'S NOT OKAY. And I'll tell you why:

It's really very simple. Just because you didn't stick your dick into her doesn't mean it's not wrong, or a deception.

I don't know when all that shit with Mandy and the pictures and the sexual expectations happened. It's almost irrelevant, because you LIED about it. You can say it was no big deal, or that I'm being a child, or whatever. That's bullshit, because nobody here is 23 any more and just playing around. And maybe you could argue that it wasn't lying. ( Or say "I never said that , I said X. ") But the deal is, not saying something, or weaseling out on a techincality is the SAME as lying, in cases like this, in matters of the heart. If it wasn't a big deal, then why did you keep it a secret,? Why not just tell me, ( or HER) the truth?

But here's what was happening from MY perspective, not that it matters much anymore, I suppose:

For the sake of clarity, it's Two Parted.

*1.) Before You Said You Loved Me/After You DID*
The whole time we were together, talking and laughing and seeing and> sleeping together, those first two weeks you were home ( before you went to home to visit your mom in Ohio) each other, I was falling in love with you. I trusted you that you were telling me the truth and that I was the only girl you had on your mind.

:: At it's best, this is *emotional withholding* from someone who is TRUSTING you to tell them the truth, and expecting you to be caring and emotionally responsible enough to be honest. Even when two people are just dating, it's not fair to ANYONE to have a foot in a two camps to see which one pans out first without saying "hey just so you know, I'm seeing other people" Especially when it's pretty clear that one of the girls -- at least! ME-- is crazy about you. ( Naked pictures, telling her sex between you two would be hot? That you'll keep that option open for when you come home next?? That's not platonic, Anthony. That's not innocent. That's not banter and bullshitting and just being pals. Even art-school pals for photography.) You could have said "I'm seeing some other girls while I'm home". THAT would have been fair. I could have worked with THAT.::

Then you came back from Ohio, and we had that awful fight and we split up, and I went through alot of angst over losing this guy I thought was just the coolest, the most wonderful, even if we had issues. It really sucked and it was really hard. Then you said, "I love you, can't we try?" I thought "Wow, it's gonna be rough, but I love him too. And if he is willing to give it shot after all of that, he must be sincere, and I cannot possibly pass him up. I need to give this a shot, too. " And we fell in passionately in love and I slept in your bed and spent every day with you and I was your girl and I gave you my whole heart. And the whole time, I felt this connection to you that I couldn't explain-- that was spiritual and deep to me, even though we had problems-- I was thinking about the future with you and hoping and dreaming. And you said you were too.

** ( Even when I was scared, even when I was unsure, even when I was angry, AND EVEN WHEN I had to take a break/back up a bit because I just was overwhelmed with the issues between us and my life circumstances, I was passionately, terribly in love with you and holding on to those dreams, those little conversations we'd had about living in Tennessee and meeting your mom, being your mate, your potential wife, someday. I loved you SO much, and I felt so Meant To Be with you. Despite and in and around all that crap. ). **

And I thought We Were Only Each Others. I dove in. Fully.
Not just with sex but with hearts and words!!!!

*2.) After You Left/We Were In A Serious> Relationship.*
And you left for Global Hotspot and I trusted you to not talk to any other girl in a way that let her believe she was anything other than a friend. I knew you had plenty of women friends, and I wasn't jealous. I thought the first thing that you would say would be you had this girlfriend back in the states. I thought you would even be honorable about it with the girls you might have been flirting with before me, being gently honest that you had found someone. For my sake, out of RESPECT for me, and out of CONSIDERATION for them.

:: At it's worst, this is *emotional infidelity* leading the person you're in a relationship with to believe that your heart is theirs, when you're distracted and still connected with someone else even semi-flirtatiously, even with just words ( talking to her sexually online, telling her you want her, and all that, while you're WITH me? In your bed, fucking and sleeping, and being intimate!!! Writing back and forth with me from Hotspot about love and committment and WAITING for you, my being FAITHFUL TO YOU til you come back to me!! Supposedly ONLY with me?) That's not being only with the person you're with. That's keeping a door open for someone else.
EVEN IF you're having problems with someone, you DON'T go looking around, flirting, because that's just a cheap way of not having to deal with the problems in the relationship. It takes you AWAY from the other person, just when you need to be focusing on them and your realtionship the MOST.
That's not intimacy, Anthony. It's not a grown-up relationship. And the thing is, I think you know that. ::

What's more, I trusted that you were having fun, and keeping in touch with Mandy and everyone, anyone else, and didn't really think about it.( I didn't even notice when Mandy wasn't there anymore, remember? You pointed it out to me. You said SHE had crossed the line with you, and that you had put a stop to it, and shouldn't I do that with Joe? )

I BELIEVED you. I TRUSTED you. Why? Because you said you loved me. You were so ardently clear about that. That I was your girl, "someday my mate, someday My Wife". I could drink a case of you, darling, and still be on my feet. Whew.


Well. I have to wonder now, what was really real.

I do believe you loved me Tony. You just can't fake that kind of passion and feeling, and I know it on an intuitive primal level, and I knew it then.

I just don't know what to think about anything else.

Clearly, if this is all true, I was living in some sort of different picture than the real one. And even in loss, not having you now, it hurts like you would not believe. I loved you SO. You may not have ever believed me, or understood how deep and how unconditional it was.
( unconditional: adj; "without limitations, absolute." --Amer. Herit. Dict-- meaning despite fears or doubts, or even the need to break apart! It never changed!! It might now HAVE to change form or shape in my life, because of where WE are as people, but it WAS, it IS . Like the stars in the sky.)
You may not have understood, or felt somehow, how much I was giving to you and was willing to give to you, but it was THERE. IT was real, my HEART was real, to me, you were as close to me as the next pillow, even when you were gone. ("If my heart had wings /I would fly to you/ And lie beside you as you dream", remember? Every night. EVERY night. ).
If that's true, maybe it was a failing on my part. I suppose that's what I have to live with knowing.

Regardless, I can't imagine any of the choices here were right or fair or
respectful to me, ( or to Mandy, either, no matter what you thought of her). Nobody deserves that.

You always say you don't want to be a villian, -- and " I WON'T be "for any woman!!!" -- and that's reasonable. I get it- you don't want to be the Bad Guy Getting Blamed For Shit Unfairly. ( Who would want that? ) But that doesn't mean you escape being held accountable for any of your behavior, EVER.

Of course, holding you accountable now, well.....I suppose it's somewhat pointless. I wanted honesty and I wanted to my hurt and deep and profound sense of betrayal to be heard. You can do what you want with it. Maybe the next girl who comes along for you will benefit from what you've learned.....
Meanwhile, I'm just left with an excruciatingly painful mystery, that just adds to the loss and grief of this break-up and the loss and grief that permeates my life as of late.

I don't know what else to say. I loved you, .And "always loving you. Just going where you cannot go." ( Remember ?) Still.
What that's worth now, what any of it was worth, I don't even know.
I wish you safety, still, if nothing else.
Jessica ( of former Red Shoes fame.)


How did you know it was Mandy? OH yah you looked at my myspace page. HA HA! Ok, this is so freaking interesting. I didn't put Mandy and your Anthony together. She told me about an "Anthony" that she was friends with.
She said that he was her friend for only about 3 months and that they went out several times and it was all perfectly innocent. Before he came home from being "Away" (She didn't say where he was or what he was doing, just that he was away for work.) They were hot and heavy with sexual innuendo for the first few weeks that they knew each other from myspace, and Mandy stopped that because she was afraid he would not be attracted to her physically when he met her in person and she didn't want her feelings hurt. She is gorgeous and I don't understand why she would have thought that. Anyway, so they just kept it as friendship. She did have feelings for him though, She said he was funny and smart and sexy and they had a common interest, photography.
He even took artistic nudes of her when he came back. She said she went to his apartment and he took photographs of her and nothing else happened. She didn't understand it because she could tell he was excited the whole time and he said he was. He said he didn't want to ruin the mood for the pictures. She asked him if he wanted her, and he said he did the entire shoot and that he would like to keep that option open when he came back home from working again the next time. See , I had no Idea when he was coming back or where he was so I didn't know it was your Tony, (I guess I'm blonde).
So they were keeping in touch and she said she wanted to be with him and he said that's a distinct possibility and that he wanted her too and it would be very hot. They went back and forth and back and forth again I guess till one day he had moved her down on his list of friends. She asked him why and he went off on her. She said some> other girl was number one on his list and she asked him if there was anything going on between them and he said yes that they were having sex and it was none of her business and what the hell does it matter what position she was in on his list. She just asked a question and new that it was really not a> big deal, but he made it a big deal. She was shocked.
She said she ended it then, because why was he making her think that something was going to happen between them, if he was already involved with this other girl. He basically was withholding information from her and that was wrong. She was hurt really bad by him. What a small world we live in. Anyway I spent 12 hours just hanging out with Mandy. We had wine and sushi and then went to a movie. It was one of the most amazing dates I've ever had. She is funny and talented. OH my god her photography is amazing. She can sing like a bird and she is beautiful.

I hope it works out with Mandy. She was interested in Anthony for a bit pretty ardently before, and during our relationship. I don't know how he handled it, and I don't know what happened, I just know he had to tell her to back off pretty hard and then she got angry and went away. But, hell-- he's pretty goddamned infuriating, so maybe she's smart and wise, after all!! LOL!
He nevertheless did say she way very, very nice, and interesting and sweet. And that's a good thing. And everyone has different needs and tastes, and if it's a good fit, then that is GREAT! It all comes down to what's best for you. My best wishes to you both!
Hoping you are well!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Today's topic: Why We Do The Stupid Things We Do.

Today's stupid thing: I got into MySpace again. Yes. I know. Seems I'm good for about two weeks and then I just crack. Given that it's not even a month yet, I'm doing the best I can. I feel badly, but then, I think, well. Everyone has their stupid things they do, especially in a breakup. We all want to know : how are they? What are they up to? Do they still love me? Do they miss me? It's practically native to the procces.

Of course, also native to the proccess is the ensuing, searing, horribly consuming pain that shoots through you when Person isn't doing what you think they should, or hurting like you think they should, or whatever. Even worse pain - a special kind of pain, really- tacks itself on to this initial pain when you see that they're Moving ON. Clearly. Nothing quite like that, really.

I could tell you what I saw today, but it would just be telling you what you already suspect I experienced, given my foreshadowing. To say I was shocked would be an understatement, as it has not even been a month.
I could tell you about the 45-minute meltdown where I cried and cried and cried and threw shit around the room, and yelled at him, as if he were here.
I could tell you how it makes me feel insignificant, small, stupid, foolish, rejected and unwanted. I could tell you how it makes me angry and just outright baffled at the speed in which I was put behind.
I could tell you how I just wish I could move on faster, like he is, and for the sake of everyone involved, including friends.

But I think that would not be telling you anything new. What would be telling you something new is to tell you what I'm going to do.

I guess, I'm going to Act As If. It's not a foolproof plan, but given that I don't want any more meltdowns or crying over someone who wants to move on, --regardless of his feelings for me, which I don't know and really, are probably irrelevant at this time-- I'm going to pretend like I'm okay with it. Like it's all going to be all right, and I'm just fine, and that it's OVER. ( It is over, but getting my heart to cooperate in this matter is the problem area. I'm hoping by acting As If I already accept that and am pushing forward that my emotions will eventually go with it.

What else can I do? Sit around and cry? I mean, there will probably be my share of that. But I guess....I guess my attitude is just an effort to be more pragmatic and less emotional. Why sit and think about What Could Have Been or Wish or Long or Wonder? What use is it having for me? Clearly, it's just keeping me in a place where there is some sort of Hope, and that's not useful. Wouldn't it be better to put Hope to better use-- to Hope that I can have a nice holiday, that I can move forward and cope?

(I know Why We Do The Stupid Things We Do in that arena. We're just not ready to let go. And I suppose there's some comfort in holding on, just a little, even if you're absolutely certain you've done the right thing. It's difficult to let go sometimes. For me, it seems especially hard, somethng I'm just wretched at. I'm trying to get better at it. I am. Believe it or not.)

Wouldn't it be better to focus on the people that are there for me, like my family, whom I'll see in December? My friends, who love and care for me? Wouldn't it be better not to focus on Who is Not There, or How It Hurts?

Yes, it would. So I suppose it's my plan: I hope it's not another Stupid Thing That Jessie Tries And Fails. Or if it must fail, that something else comes in to take its place, and has the same effect: to help her let go and heal, which she so desperately, painfully, fairly or unfairly, NEEDS to do.

Goddess help me to do it, however I can.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Things go from bad to worse in one fell swoop.

I think I have to fire Master P. It's come to that.

Two ( or is it three now? I don't even know anymore, because I've been not feeling well, which is the thrust of this post) weeks ago, I had an appointment. I was running late for said appointment, as I was leaving the house later than I had hoped. I called the office and said I would be there about 10 minutes late. Note: it was still NOT my appointment time when I left the house. And had nothing else happened, I probably would have strolled in a few (read: two to five) minutes behind.

Except the fine city of Burbank decided to tar one of the main roads that day, and I got stuck in that before getting on the highway ( the traffic, not the tar). Then when I finally got back off the highway and to the exit I needde to get to his office, there's some dillhole who decided to drive UP the side of the highway meridian with his Landrover and the police were slowing things down trying to untangle it all. I get to Master P's office and I'm now 15 minutes late. I'm not happy about it, but it could not be avoided.

Let me stop here and give you a little background on Master P, for those of you who do not know. His practice is like a zoo. He's got a million patients, and he's super busy, all the time. I don't know what exactly the deal is, but it seems like every time I go in there for an appointment I am waiting for the man for AT LEAST an hour. As a matter of fact, he does not even STAY in the office between appointments; his secretary has to page him from the hospital to come down. When *I* was in the hospital, he was known for making his rounds at 10pm, if not later, which if you don't know much about psych wards, is like the most ridiculous thing ever, since that's when everyone gets their sleep meds and are half in the bag, nodding off.( Plus the nurses are changing shifts and night nurses in psych hospitals? Heh. They BELONG in the hospital. Not nice people. ) So the man is on the go, and doesn't have much time for anyone, ever. He never answers his pages, and if you're a patient wanting to speak with him after hours because there's a problem, you might as well tough it out because he isn't going to call you back.
He doesn't call anyone back. Hardly ever.

And if he weren't such a brilliant psychopharmacologist, no one would put up with THAT crap for very long. 'Cept he is, and everyone, and I mean everyone, from the heads of the hospital to his patients, know it. If you've got a problem and you can't solve it, he's the man to see. He's a generally good guy, and he's the ONLY doctor on staff that requires a therapist to see his patients. Everyone else just gets stuck in groups, and that is so useless it's laughable. (.His therapist, Dr.C, rocks, too.). So when you're crazy, or looking down the road at crazy, he's your dude.

All of this together makes BEING his patient a crapshoot, because it's six of one, half dozen of the other. Brilliant physician, absolutely unreliable to get a hold of in a pinch.( Unless of course, you want to take yourself to the emergency room, which is never a good option to begin with).

Back to my story.

I really REALLLLLLY needed to get into to see Master P that day, because in case y'all haven't noticed, I've been going through the ringer. Cat dies, man leaves, I lose job, and my hormones are nine kinds of Still Fucked Up. I'm sleeping all the time, and at that time, barely leaving the house. So I show up, and what the blankety-blank: the man was not only IN his office, he had taken in someone ahead of me. I look at the secretary, and I hang my mouth open, like, "HEY!! I just called you!" (which I managed to sputter out).
Does she:
a.) say: "No worries Jessica, you can go take that person's slot, since they took yours ahead of you" ?
b.) say: "No worries, Jessica. We'll reschedule you as soon as possible"?
c.) say: "I'm sorry, Jessica, can I take a message for him and maybe he can call you"?


She just looks at me like I've got two heads and a wart the size of Montana, and says, "Sorry. You were late. We can schedule you into an appointment in December."

Oh, you read it right: DECEMBER. I take a deep breath and explain what my life has been like, and how it is important for me to see him sooner than TWO MONTHS FROM THAT MOMENT and she says, "Mmmhmm. Do you want to go to the hospital?"
NO, you bitch, I don't want to go to the hospital. I don't like going to the hospital even when I HAVE to go, which, BTW, is NOT now; right NOW I need some serious, serious medication management. Like, maybe more of this, less of that, and so forth, get it? I would like an APPOINTMENT, like, specifically MY appointment, the one that I had to race here to get to, and I would like it ASAP. I take another deep breath and ask if I can at least have the man call me.
"Mmmm. No. He doesn't like that."
Oh, right. How silly of me. I had forgotten: whatever The Great Man doesn't want to do, he doesn't do, because he is so busy and important. Never mind standards of care and all that, or the fact that I've been his patient for two years and never missed an appointment. Never mind that every other psychiatrist on the face of the living earth has to answer his pages, morning noon and night, because that's what DOCTORS DO.
So I look at her and say, "I don't think you understand. He told me a while back that if I ever had a problem, that you could work me in. That's what he said, since he's so bad about returning calls. NOW I have a problem. NOW I need to see him, and you're telling me December. That's too far away."

She just looks at me like, "yeah, you and every other fucker in here." And tells me she can put me on her cancellation list.

Which was 3 weeks ago. I've even called a few times and asked when they might have some openings. They acted like I was asking for a new car, sounding like gum-chomping sorority girls being torn away from their pedicures.

Tonight I was feeling escpecially poorly, and at a loss as to what to do. While I could, theorhetically, practice psychopharmacology on myself, ( and hey! Have!) I decided to give the dude a shot. I called his service, my most recent idea being that if I call enough, he's GOT to call me back. ( A risky move, BTW: in psychiatry, this can get you labelled as a "problem" patient and ignored even further.) I so rarely call my doctors ever, just for the record-- I'm pretty much an "I'll figure it out" kinda gal, unless there's something really wrong. And today, it just seemed like something was really, really wrong with my meds, so I sucked it up and picked up the phone. Some dimwatt on the service decides to ask me a million questions about what's wrong- and he's not even a doctor! Just some schmuck at a call center! So I explain my story about getting bumped. About feeling racy, panicking, crying jags. He tells me he'll relay the message.

Of course, I've yet to receive a phone call back. That was about 4 hours ago.

I'm at an utter loss. I think my friend Nicole said it best: "You know, you could get better service from the fucking COUNTY. I can't believe a private physician has the balls to let you wait that long. You could be in the bin by now, you know? That's not a standard of care. And I know, we've all had to fire docs before, and we have to fight for our care, and whatnot, but it's pretty scary to think about firing HIM, isn't it? After all, he's The Great Master P, The Rocket Scientist of Psychopharmacology. *Gasp and oh no!* But, Jessica, this is TERRIBLE."

It is, and I'm so mad I just want to CRY. I want to go in there and sit down his idiot secretary and chew her a new one. I want to call him up and chew him a new one, and I want him to turn around and chew his office staff again. The frustrating part is, I don't. Think. They get. It. If I could get his ear, I'm sure he would do what he could to prevent such utter bullshit from happening again, ( although the idea of his actually yelling at staff would be laughable). But I can't get his ear if I paid for it, --WHICH THANK YOU! I AM!!!--because of everything I've already explained.

And even if I end up firing him, I just want him to KNOW what happened, and I want his staff to know how shitty they treated me, and how unfair that is. It may not do any good, but I want it SAID. I've had plenty o' bein' treated shitty by somebody even though I'm being nothing but good to them lately to go around for a lifetime ( thank you, Anthony, I hope a Humvee runs over a leg or something out there in Global Hotspot! Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm terrible. Hey, did I SAY I wanted him to get blown up? No. I just said run over, and just the leg. Excruciating pain, a few pins, physical therapy combined with anger management courses when he starts throwing things at his PT. That's all!) including friends ( thanks, Dee, for that lovely phone call yesterday when I was not able to be at your beck and call for once in the 6 months I have known you, where you called me "fuckin' lazy" and hung up.). Why should I pay for the fucking privilige?? It's insane.

The whole mental health system is insane. Nobody believes it til they've been through it themselves, but it really hasn't changed too much since the times of lobotomies. Now we just give people chemical lobotomies, and if they complain too much, it's "their illness". And if you by rare chance get a doctor who actually is pro-you-having-a-life-outside-of-your-disease, THIS is what you get to deal with. This. And by firing him, you risk running into another yahoo who might slap you with a 72 hour hold because you don't agree with him. I sound like I'm exaggerating, because I'm pissed, but I have never seen such lunacy in my life than I have in CA when it comes to these issues.

I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do.