For the record, I want to elucidate the following things, and then move on:

With regards to my dating dillemmas, I always value everyones' input, as long as it's not diminishing them. My response to your commentary is thus:

1.) I've left it as it stands, and if nothing happens, nothing happens. I'm certainly not going to chase him down, or something crazy, and I'll do my best not to lament it all too long. I'm letting it go and writing it off, because there's just no use trying to make something work that has only one fucking date behind it. I really like the guy, but he's not the only fish in the sea.

2.) For those who have expressed how much anxiety I'm having, and I would say, YES. I need to relax more if I plan on surviving this whole experience. I also want to point out, however, that this is a big risk for me to be taking, dating at all, so please give me some slack for panicking every once in awhile.
Because as of this moment, I want to say that the only thing that is currently increasing my anxiety is not getting any credit for taking a risk here, from him ( although I wouldn't expect it that much, just in what is mentioned below, re: Things He Expected Me to Know) or anyone else.
Because of as today, when it fucks up, somehow, it's all MY fault for not knowing Some Arcane Dating Rule , or What He's Been Going Through or That I Should Have Shut Up and Not Said Anything, Since You're Going To Scare Him Off or Maybe He's Just Not That Into You, or Whatever.

That's not fair. It just ISN'T. I am making this up as I go along, and based on the information I have regarding Me/Him at any given time, my gut, and opinions from alot of sideline pundits who have been asked for information when something I'm confused about crops up. I appreciate the time and effort, but that doesn't give you a right to take me down when I make a mistake, or I don't know what I'm doing, or it all goes to shit. It really doesn't help.

Thanks. What helps is knowing I'm getting some credit for fumbling through this, and sorting out what I can. After all.....

All I know is that:
a.) I like him
b.) When I like someone, I call them
c.) Believe it or not, men KNOW how to use the phone
d.) Unless the shit has hit the fan in my life, a week is a reasonable amount of time to expect a call
e.) Usually if I like someone, AND the shit has hit the fan, I call anyway, explain, and buy myself some time, so that they aren't sitting there going , "????" or "Fuck her."
f.) Men often say they will call and don't, because they're trying not to be a jerk.
g.) Men often use the "I'm really busy" excuse as reason for not following up with you, usually because they don't like to be a jerk.
h.) Both men and women know all of the above with the exception of "e", which is always up for debate.

Since I consider myself to be a relatively sane individual, I think all of the above are reasonable dating strategies to go by. I suppose it's all up for debate, but you have to sort of having a working theory to go with, unless you're expecting to go on "Rock of Love" any time soon and throw all of your morals/standards/self-esteem out the window, anyway.

Now, to recap:
1.) We went out last Sat, had a great time, and yes, he did mention some dustup at work and some long hours, but not that he didn't have it under control, or that he was in a blind panic.
2.) He said he'd call. He didn't call. I'm not happy, but I give it some time.
3.) I got a short email on Tuesday saying he was really busy.
4.) I emailed him on Thursday asking how he was doing and if he wanted to get together this weekend
5.) I called him on Friday asking the same thing
6.) I heard nothing, and tired of feeling yanked around, emailed him that note Saturday
7.) Received an email from him Sunday shocked and offended that I didn't take his word for "being really busy" .

Since "e" is always up for debate, in review of the recap one could argue that I am being a hard ass, and while that might be true, I suppose people's standards/expectations/strategies for dating are always different.
Frankly, even if I WAS just an anxiety-ridden, despereate, needy bitch, one could STILL argue that he's just being a clueless male who thinks I'm psychic or that I'm going to automatically assume that it's not the Same Old Bullshit I've heard before, or I Should Know Better Because He's Different.
Granted, I concede that I may have jumped the gun a little, and so on and so forth, but sitting around wondering "What the hell?" has never been my forte. I'm more prone to put it all out there, and goddammit, if it was the wrong thing to do, then I guess I'm going to die alone. Or at least without this guy. It's just as well I find out now, I suppose.

And while that may make me unhappy for at least a week, since I really liked him, I suppose I'll live and go on to the next miserable dating extravaganza.

God, this week has sucked rocks. I can only look forward to what great fun The Universe has in store for me next week, as Mercury Retrograde continues to kick me all the way through the next three weeks. Yippe yi yay.

ARGHGHEEHGHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!!!

**banging head against wall, yet again.**

File under: Internet Dating, Dating in the 21st century, Dating in Los Angeles, Men's Inability to Communicate, Expectant Psychic Phenomena from Men to Women, Mercury Retrograde Starts Tomorrow, Everyone Ends Up Miserable Anyway So Why Bother? :


It's true I didn't call, but I did email you to explain what's going in my life. To recap: My job is ending so I'm trying to find a new one and am taking interviews. Unless I want to lose my job immediately, I still have to get things done and if I'm out the entire afternoon for an interview, that means I'm stuck at the office until 10 pm. My commute is an hour each way, which means I've been getting home anywhere between 9:30 and 11 pm, at which time I get on the computer to look for job leads, work on cover letters, etc. At the moment I have 70 emails in my inbox, 20 of which I haven't even read. Last, I'm two weeks past my deadline to deliver a script I'm being paid to write. It's unfortunate that all of those things collided and created a perfect storm. No one's more unhappy about it than me. Woe is me, blah blah blah. I don't expect your sympathy, but I did expect you to recognize that I was being honest with about what's going on. I'm disappointed that, despite that effort, you decided to assume it was about you anyway.

Good luck, Jessica.
-N.

WHAT EFFORT??? Um, when I saw him on Saturday, he did explain he was in the process of losing his job. But he ALSO said he would likely be placed within the company (Big Corporate Studio) and while he was staying late, and it was taking up alot of time, he wasn't overly worried. Or that's how he played it off.

N:
-I did know about all those things, but I didn't have any idea of the scope of them. It would have been helpful to have had the details explained a bit more, and I would have definitely been able to handle it.
As it stood, I had NO CLUE as to what precisely was happening. When we spoke last, you made it sound much smaller than it was. It's not too far of a jump to go from, "I haven't spoken to him in a week, and his last email was 3 days ago" to "Maybe he's just not that into me." Wouldn't you agree?
I DO like you. I AM interested. I DO want to see you again. In the future, though, give me a clearer picture of what's going on, and KNOW you can call me AT ANY TIME, ( I'm up late, very often); from the car, at 1am, WHATEVER, and if I'm not there, leave a message, letting me know you're still around, and still interested. THAT'S ALL I ask. That's all I was expecting in the first place.

I think it's pretty reasonable, and I think sometimes men get caught up in stuff and don't realize that if the women around them don't get details, it's not clear as to what the fuck is happening, especially when they're new to your life. I think women in that position, (i.e. me) are quick to assume the worst. That's an unfortunate situation. It's not unfixable.

I'm giving you an opening here to try this again, and I hope you give me one as well. We had such a wonderful connection. I don't want to throw it away. Do you?

I'll hope to hear from you next, shortly.
Jessica

I mean, seriously. What, am I psychic? I called him on Friday, and he couldn't pick up the goddamned phone to say, "Hey, I've got this script I'm working on, and I don't have any time this weekend"? or " I wish I could see you but I'm drowning in work? I'm still interested"? A 5 minute phone call when he got up for a soda??

Seriously. Men astonish me in their unbelievable stupidity.

I'm giving him another shake, here, and ONLY because I've been really bummed at the notion of not seeing him again. But a.) I pretty much expect him to just get all pissy and give me the kiss-off, as he's obviously pretty mad that I didn't read his mind the first time and I'm just making it all about ME (um, what?) and b.) unless he really makes an effort to be concillatory with me a little bit, I'm just going to give up.

The only reason he's getting a second shot is because he's got a good excuse. A REALLY good excuse. But if he doesn't want to play nice about it, well, that's an indicator that he might NEVER play nice, and I don't need any of that. No way, no how.

**Sighing**. I really, really hate dating. I hate boys. I hate this whole stinking thing.

I really wish he'd call. Oy. ARGHGHGGH!

I'm tired of sitting around wondering. So sue me. I sent this:


Header: listen...

Jan 26, 2008 8:33 PM PST

...I had a really great time getting to know you, and when we met last weekend I thought we had a real connection. However, one very brief email aside, I haven't heard anything from you all week. I figured you might call, since you said you would, but no dice.I'm presuming then, that perhaps your experience of our meeting wasn't the same as mine,and/or you've changed your mind since saying you "were interested in more."

Whatever the reason, I haven't heard from you, it's okay. I do so wish you would have been upfront about it, though, like the nice guy I know you to be and strive to be. I would have accepted that and been gracious, so there was no cause for any concern that I would have made it awkward or ugly. It's just too bad it had to end on a sort of crappy note instead of an honest one.

As it stands while I don't regret meeting you and I have thoroughly enjoyed all of our talks an emails. I wish you well in your search for a partner. You are a lovely man and deserve to be happy. We all do.

Best,
Jessica

_________________________________________________

I don't play games, I just don't. But that doesn't mean I can't be gracious, or polite while being forward. Call me a nutjob, or overly bent on closure. Are you right? I suppose the public will be split on that. I think it was the right thing to do for myself, and that's what matters.

It's sad. I think we could have had a nice relationship. OH well. Life is short, isn't that what I said? Might as well be with someone who wants to be with me. That makes it a helluva alot easier in the long run, anyway.....

You know what? I'm just going to say it: I'm overwhelmed. I've been trying to be a good sport about things, believe it or not, and not complain too much, or whine. Dammit, though, I've had my fill of some of the stuff that's been going on lately, and the last three weeks have just worn me down til I'm a raw nerve.

#1 on my list is the dentistry. Everyone hates the dentist, I hate the dentist, it's not fun, blah blah blah. I've been trying to keep this in mind, and keep in mind that it's all for the best even while almost heaving at the staggering cost. The thing is, this whole proccess has gone on for TOO FUCKING LONG. How long have we been at this now? I haven't had proper use of my teeth since well before Thanksgiving. While I do like my care providers, as they are kind and superiorly trained, I am about ready to blow a fucking gasket. Cute Endo is only in the office on Mondays. Persian Dentist is only in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Every time I go in there it's a cabaret of pain, literally.
Yesterday I stopped in after work to have them re-glue a temporary crown back on. I'd gone a little crazy the night before and tried to eat a cookie. (WHOA! I'm outta control!). I had to go see J the Therapist at 4:30 in Encino, and it was raining. I TOLD them: "I just want you to reglue this; I don't have time to be fitted for my crowns today. I have an appointment on Tuesday for that."
What did they do the minute I got in the chair? "Julie, your crowns are here! It will be 15 minutes! Let us put them on!" I'm thinking when they SAY 15 minutes, it means 15 minutes. Big mistake.
Why is that a big mistake? Oh, well, let me tell you. The new crowns didn't fit. Was I surprised by this fact? NO I WAS NOT. Why? Because when Persian Dentist took the impressions for the crowns, I said, "You know my bite is all fucked up. You're going to have to make adjustments, because if you're going on what the temporaries are like, you're way off base." I don't know if it was the use of colloquialisms like "fucked up " or "way off base", ( he's actually very fluent, but sometimes, he gets a quizzical look on his face when the English goes by too fast) but he really thought I was worrying about nothing. Not like I've had this wreck of a mouth my whole life and he's just looking at it a handful of times, but whatever.
So THEN they start trying to make adjustments, to send them back to the lab to be remade. Meanwhile, time is ticking away. Finally, at 4:15, I say, "You have to STOP. I MEAN IT. I don't want you to rush this off so I can get the wrong crowns again, and I have to leave. " They consented, reglued my temps, and I left. Which is all I wanted them to do in the fucking first place!!!!
I was late for the therapist. And now I won't have my proper crowns in time for my birthday, which is all I was really hoping for, you know? I don't know WHEN they're coming in. All I know is I have to go back on TUESDAY- not Monday, or Friday, or Saturday, days that I am off- to get refitted one more fucking time.
I am so sick of this process. I eat soup every day. EVERY DAY. I can't chew anything harder than a muffin, and my head aches from the fact that my jaw doesn't fit together properly because of those horrible temps. But apparently, I've got a couple more weeks to go on this, and that's just the way it is.

#2 on my Shit List is being broke. I only work three days a week, and while I like my job, I would like to take that stupid computer program at work and throw it in the middle of Ventura Blvd. I seriously have not gotten a good night's sleep that was not chemically induced since I started working there. I have these dumb dreams where I am doing the same thing over and over again and panicking about not getting it right. It doesn't take Freud to figure out what's wrong: I'm obviously very stressed out about mastering the system. Secondarily, I like my boss, but it's still a little awkward getting to know him, and I'm with him all day, alone, every day. I'm still in a trial phase, and I know he's watching me carefully, and I know he's probably not half as worried about my performance as I am. Still, I see his ease and humor with everyone else, and I just think, "God, am I doing okay?" I realize this is probably transitory; all those people have been there for well over 5 years. Plus, I don't want to have too much candor with him at this stage, given that I'm still trying to earn his trust.
In the meantime, I'm not making my bills. Not even close. I'm up at night worried about money, and I feel like I've lost all the ground I made last year in financial solvency. And I just cannot go back to worrying about money constantly; I just can't do it and remain sane. I'm looking for a second part time job, at the same time keeping in mind that I still have to schedule all this dental work to get through, and I'm clearly very stressed out with the one I already have. I am very discouraged right now about my financial picture, especially given that the folks at the dental credit plan are going to want to start deducting $360 a month from my bank account as soon as they can.

Number 3 is internet dating. I am so frustrated with the whole thing I want to throw my laptop in the middle of Ventura Blvd., except I like IT ( versus this dating bullshit) AND I still owe money on it. The bottom line is, I'm living a "Sex and The City" script. Remember that episode where Miranda goes out on this great date, and there's sparks and the whole nine yards, and he NEVER CALLS? Then all the girls are trying to help her along with it: "Oh, it was just a first date. Give it 3 days." "Maybe he's really busy at work." "Just relax, I'm sure he'll call. " Then someone says, "You know what? Maybe he's just not that into you." ( And then the producers wrote a best-selling book with the same title.)
I'm beginning to think that's the case. Because you know what? Email about the nice "chat" we had and my issues from the past/ personal insecurities about turning 39 aside, if he really liked me, he'd have called by now. I called him today. Left a message just asking how he was and if he wanted to hang this weekend. I also sent an email saying the same. Heard anything? NO. I think unless his grandmother dying, we know what the picture is. ( As the book states, "Men know how to use the phone. It doesn't matter how "crazy busy" he is; if he likes you, he'll make some time to call." Written by a MAN, by the way, just so we're all clear on the veracity of the source. Obviously, I would have to concur with his assesment. )
And I talked with the therapist last night about this ( in my truncated session): the bottom line is, I'm not really made this way. I just don't believe in this whole miasma of rules or whatever you want to call them. I understand there are a few things you don't do; calling too soon and looking desperate or mentioning your therapist-- OR parole officer, or rehab or even your crazy ex-- too early on are usually romance-killers. But I'm the kind of person who sort of lays it all out there: if I like you, I call you fairly soon. I don't sit around.
Why would you hold back from that? If you meet someone and you really like them, life is short. Step off the cliff and be done with it.
And I don't have complicated rules about when we are "dating" vs. "in a relationship" vs. "seriously involved". I'm pretty old fashioned, and the bottom line is, if you're sleeping with me, ( not that I slept with him; I'm just sayin') you're involved on SOME level ( exactly what level is up for discussion and is situation-dependent, but suffice to say, the "dating" portion of the show is over). That's it. I don't want to sleep with you if you're sleeping with anyone else or seeing anyone else, and that's it.
I realize this all may make me extremely unpopular in today's dating world, but I'm tired of worrying about that, too. It's not like the phone is ringing off the hook right now, anyway.

4 is the fact that I've been on antibiotics since right after Thanksgiving. I don't know what caused this, ( and neither do any of the specialists I've seen) but I've been getting tiny painful cysts in *weird* (I'm really not feeling like going into exactly ALL the places, okay?) places on my body. It might very well be because I have gums so inflamed from all the infection they've been cleaning out of my teeth that I can barely brush. When I suggest this, though, I get the Typical Western Medicine Response: "That's not related." Well, how the fuck do you know? You've had me on three highly noxious medications meant to kill off anything within a 50mile radius of my body, and nothing has worked. How do you know once this all heals over, the cysts will stop occurring? In the meantime, the drugs make me want to hurl and not get out of bed, simoultaneously. They wear me down and out. I'm tired, my mood is low, and my stomach perpetually upset. And guess WHAT?? I got a new cyst two days ago.

The last slot in my list of Current Complaints is #5: I still haven't been able to serve Actor Cop with his papers. Why? I haven't had a moment to breathe since R managed to weasle his (we're assuming) correct address out Actor's management. Not to mention, I have to have someone else serve him, and everyone I know is busy with other shit. As it stands, our court date is in two weeks and the man still hasn't gotten the papers. It's been suggested to me that I get the LA County Sherriff's office to serve him; I guess I could call them, but I'm not optimistic. I highly suspect they will just decline as they had better things to do, like, you know, attend to crime scenes.

As if all of this isn't enough, I'm just fed up with this apartment, all the repairs it needs and I just want to MOVE. I'm tired of Crazy Landlady, and I'm tired of shit breaking all the time, which seems to be the karma of this place. Even stuff that's MINE and not actual fixtures of the house break on such a regular basis, I feel like I'm living someone else's psychic script. The latest thing: this cool glass light fixture someone gave me for Christmas. This place is a money-sucking portal, I'm telling you. I've had it.

Add all that together with turning 39 next week, having no one to actually spend my birthday DAY with, and you've got me in the mood I'm in now. I'm stressed out, I feel alone, I'm overwhelmed, and I swear to god anyone who calls me and tries to pretend like it's all a.) not happening or b.) in my head or c.) going to magically be all right will promptly get hung up on. You can take that to the bank.

More Levity When You Need It Most: Crazytown, Part Deux:

God, I love this. A friend sent it to me and I think it's both a riot and scarily spot-on:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3f716ffebe

Go Jerry. Show the world you don't give a crap what Tom can do to your career (you're a brave man in Hollywood for saying it out loud!!) He's hardly above skewering like anyone else. You rock!

LOVE it!!

You know, I really think I'm freaking out about stuff inside my head more than what he's doing. I know I'm being overanxious, ....I suppose I'm worried that he's going to like someone better., since I know he is still dating around right now (as well he should). And while that would be too bad, but it wouldn't be a tragedy, would it? No. I really like him but alas. It's life.

I'm just so wacked out about this birthday thing- I'm in a not-great place about turning 39 ( I know, I know, what's the big deal? - but I really feel like I'm running out of time, here) and so I'm tripping. I'm feeling desperate, so I'm acting desperate, which isn't about HIM at all. (Thank God he hasn't seen any of it! )
My Aunt Reese, the font of All Girl Wisdom ( despite having 3 sons) says: "Always be a lady, dont turn into some big rejection monster. You are part "___ ", ( my mom's family name, and thusly hers as well), and We do not want someone who does not want us. We may hope they get their senses back and realize their stupid mistake. Sometimes we take them back, and sometimes, we do not. But get a grip! Have some dignity! You're not dog meat! Have some self-esteem!!" Don't worry, Aunt Reese, I was a lady, and I will be a lady. Have never NOT been a lady, and I agree: you don't want somene who doesn't want you. His loss if he decides he likes someone better, and the less tears shed over it, the better, too.

My plan is to do exactly what all my friends advise: if I haven't heard from him again by Fri, I'll call and ask if he wants to go to a movie or something this weekend. If he doesn't have time and doesn't come up with a time to reschedule, I'll leave him alone. And move on with my life.

Mostly, I just need to try and relax ( the other sage bit of advice being hurled at me from all directions). I will. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. That should help me unclench and get to the bottom of all of what ails me..... but I think I already have an inkling:

One might suspect that I want help paying the bills (Aunt Reese, there you misunderstood me). It's not that at all. It's that I don't want to do this- walk through life-- all by myself anymore, emotionally. It's much easier with a buddy system. I like my alone time- it's very important to me-- but too much of it, and it's lonely. It's too lonely, not just, "Gee, I really wish someone would be home so we could hang". More like, "I think I may go crazy if I have to climb into this bed alone one more fucking night." And I really hate that feeling.

It's been suggested that if I were more happy with my life without a man, I wouldn't mind this. I concede that that may be part of the picture, as granted, I've been happier with my life, it's true. If I were better occupied with more creativity and working toward more goals and dreams that mean something to me besides paying off debt, I'd likely feel more satisfied overall and less "needy" in the sense of needing some other area in my life to put the balance back into it, bring SOME joy when I walk in the door at night. But even when I was so busy with school and all the great stuff I was doing then and happy with my career and such, I was lonely then, too. I worked like a dog and got two degrees because I wanted to, but you know what? I was compensating for not having alot going on in other, more realtionship-oriented areas, too.

The truth is, that stuff -- your career, your creative life-- is only part of the picture. I'd like to have the other part of the picture, too. Still. I suppose its all worth looking at, since I'm not particularly feeling thrilled about either at this time.

Maybe I need to give my shrink a raise and send all my girlfriends -- and my aunt--chocolate this Valentine's Day, because they really keep me grounded when I'm beginning to lift off into Not Calm or Reasonable territory, usually in a compassionate way and keep me from acting like a shrill indignant childish harpy when I really want to.....in that way, I admit I have been blessed with good love already.

After all my angst and worry, Mr N. narrowly escapes being booted to the sidewalk , per the "He's Just Not That Into You" standards-- or anyone with common self-esteem-- by FINALLY pulling it together enough to send me an email, at about midnight Tuesday. He basically stated that he was sorry for not emailing sooner ( can I just note here he said he'd CALL? Or is that getting too caught up in the semiotics of dating and not seeing the forest for the trees?) as he'd been "crazy busy" and enjoyed our "chat" and "was looking forward to more."

Wow, don't get TOO excited there, buddy, you might actually show your hand. Whoo, I'm swooning.

In my response, I played it cool (even though what I wanted to say was "Were you trapped under a bus?!?!?!" ): I really had a lovely time talking to you, hope your week gets better, hope to see you soon, blah blah blah.

I gotta say I am less than impressed with whole dating miasma. It's not like I'm not talking to other people, or expecting him to NOT talk to other people., or see them, etc. But I just want to yell, "HOW MUCH BETTER COULD A FIRST DATE HAVE GONE, MISTER??" I mean seriously: his email? Lackluster, generic. Nonspecific.

Or maybe I'm just being too picky. But I do think it's noncommittal, and he could call and chat and y'know, not play it so cool. I'm glad he wrote, but am finding myself highly irritated with this game. And it is a game, I'm pretty sure. For whatever reason, he wants to remain at a slight distance, and that's a little gamey. Everyone else says " Well, he IS looking for a new job, blah blah, and he might be caught up in his own shit." True, but still. I just throw up my hands and shake my head: What. The. Fuck. Ever.

Perhaps this is modern dating, something I am admittedly antagonistic toward anyway. Perhaps this is nothing . Perhaps his attitude will improve next time. I like him enough that I'll give it a next time. But let me be clear: I do have other ( very interesting, now, unlike before) people interested, and while he's by far the most appealing candidate, I don't need to hang around and wait for him to cozy up to actually DATING me properly ( you know: calling, talking, making plans to meet?). It surprises me, quite honestly, that he isn't trying to already. That's not the person I met. Or my experience of the situation.

So I don't know where he's at about all this, but part of me hopes the shit better be hitting the fan on his end with a good excuse if this level of "interaction" is on the continuing horizon. Or I'll just up and forget it.

*Sigh* As if any of that were so easy. But a girl's gotta have standards, ya know? To set the tone of things, and so forth? And wanting someone who's really into her, and not putting up with gamey shit for too long? Right. It's just upholding them that's the bitch. Isn't that always the way? *Sigh*.

I don't really get any of this dating crap or understand how it leads to anything of merit or measure, so I'll admit to being possibly wrong, and too too, or having too high of standards or expecting too much, or whatever. I just think it should be more, more....I don't know. Openly enthusiastic? Engaged? More wooing and old-fashioned, I guess. Antiquated notions, I'm sure.
Dammit, where is Cary Grant when you need him?

*Sigh* ( Been doing alot of that lately, can you tell?) I wish I had a better idea of what The Rules are ( and no, not from that stupid book) and how to read signals better. Or perhaps I'm better off not overanalyzing it in the first place, and taking it all at face value. Who knows? Who can tell?? You've only got your gut in the end, and mine is saying, "That's it?!?!" Like it or not, right or not.
Maybe I'll have a more reasonable take on it in a few days, but now...that's where I am. Suck ass.

I suppose it could be worse. God knows that's true....

John Cusack needs to just show up and save me from the nonsense and misery. Now. Where are you when I need you, John??

*Sigh* Man, this dating thing blows. *Sighing perpetually".....

SO: after a week or so of spotty emails from Mr. Naughty ( I think I'm just going to call him N), he finally asked me to meet him for coffee last night. He called, we chatted, had some funny banter going over the phone just shooting the shit, and made some plans. I wasn't sure how it was going to all go, since you Just Never Know, meeting someone online. I've had some fairly obnoxious experiences with that: people don't look like their profile pics, they're incredibly boring, smell bad, whatever. You really just don't know untill you MEET them in person if there's going to be chemistry. That's sort of the downfall in these things.

That said, I did indeed meet with him for coffee and we talked for 3 hours straight! He's not as tall as I thought he'd be, but he is quite adorable and very, very smart, and very, very sweet. He was a total gentleman, picked up the check, very polite and appropriate, not expecting anything because of our conversations before, but not completely pretending they never existed, either ( one or two references were made to "obscene emails" by him. I corrected him: "they were more provocative". Still, that was about it.). We spent most of last night talking about everything --BUT sex, I might add-- politics, feminism-- he's a big feminist--intuiton, LA, our cats --he has two--goofy stories, work, etc. We agreed on a great bulk of it and had a great deal of things in common. We hit it off smashingly.

I didn't think he was interested, really at first-- though I did notice he had a hard time at first keeping his eyes on mine and not on my cleavage. That's okay, though- I have awesome cleavage, and I was wearing a shirt that was tasteful and pretty but was kinda low cut -- he laughed and engaged with me, but he didn't flirt much. (I of course flirt anyway, so...well...) I got the idea that he liked me, but not neccessarily that he was all attracted to me. Then he walked me to me car and gave me a pretty sexy kiss which was totally, totally unexpected.

In retrospect, I DID recall a glint in his eye toward the end of the date. There was a look there for an instant, and then it passed....then the people at the next table had given us a part of a slice of cake ( I had seen them with it and it was quite gigantic. I asked them in passing if it was red velvet, and they said, yes, and I said "I may have to get some, that's one of my favorites." They said, "oh, god, take some! This piece is too big!" And then they lopped off this section of it and just handed it over.). I asked him if he wanted some. He declined, and I was sort of trying to jokingly seduce him into taking a bite: "Oh, are you sure?....it's reallllllly good. Oh, last chance, N...." He said, "I can't. I'm trying to be good. I had a donut for breakfast. " I said, " OH MY GOD! This date is OVER!!!" We laughed and I leaned in conspiratorily and said, " "You know, I've heard that......in California, you could be run out of town for that sort of thing." He leaned in really close to me and then we burst out laughing again. ( This had been this running joke through the date . I admitted early on that I didn't like sushi and had never been to Disneyland. I said, "Which officially means I shouldn't be allowed to live here. " He said, "I've heard they've got spies for that kind of thing. You don't know who they are, it could be anyone, and you think you're safe. And then the authorities come and drop you off at the city limits. ")
Then I caught him watching me twirl excess frosting around the plate with that glint in his eye again. I didn't give it any merit at the time because he had been so chaste prior to it. Shows you what I know.

After the kiss was over, I said, "How long did you have that in mind? " He answered, "Oh, for awhile now." I said, " Really? I wouldn't have guessed. " He said, "Really?" I said, "No! You were talking to me and leaning back in your chair and I thought, 'oh, he's not interested.' He's just sitting here being nice, and listening to my stupid stories.' You were playing it so cool. Was that a ploy? " He was like, "No! if I wasn't interested I would have been there for about 2 minutes and said, 'Well, I've gotta run.' I'm not good at playing phony. " I just shook my head and said, "You're totally inscrutable." He laughed and said, "Nobody has ever called me that before!" I paused and said," Well, let me do a totally Jessica thing, then. You know how I am about all cards being on the table: are you going to call me? " He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Of course I am. " And then he kissed me again and said goodnight.

So I haven't heard from him today. No call, no email. I realize that perhaps I'm being hasty, and so forth, but this is the guy who said he was more like a person who sees what he likes and then acts on it. Then again, all my correspondance speaks to him being the kind of person who also takes dating one step at a time in terms of commitment or jumping into anything with both feet.

And I need to stop thinking about ALL of it, because I'm going to drive myself crazy.


I'm not very good at this. I just staved off a panic attack. ( More on that in a minute).

I guess I feel that since we've been emailing back and forth for two weeks talking about sex and all of our little peculiarities.... mostly theorhetically, but a little healthy flirting, too.
It seems to me now that he MUST be interested, knowing that I'm okay with his sexual proclivities ( something we sort of sorted out in subsequent emails after the "happy coincidence" email), hitting it off like we did, and then kissing me like that. SO WHERE IS HE???

I guess the way I see it, there's a strong connection there that's already been being built all along. It's not strong enough that he needs to call me TODAY, it would have been lovely, but I can cool down about that. However, an email would have been great. I think, given the context, he should definitely call me tomorrow, and if he doesn't, I'm going to be upset.

Meantime, my anxiety is bubbling up like crazy. A long time ago I had a stupid boyfriend named Danny. Danny was all of 22 and I was 31....and he was an idiot. Why was he an idiot? He was an idiot because he and I would fool around-- not having intercourse, per se, but definitely being all hot and heavy-- and then he wouldn't call me for days. He'd get distracted with school and film ( he was an aspriring filmmaker, and a damned fine writer, too) and toss it all off to "We're just dating" and never make time to see me or even call. Granted, he was only 22, had only ever had one serious girlfriend before, and was kind of immature. I expected alot out of him --way more than he was capable of, in retrospect-- and I just got really pissed at him one night. He totally did NOT get it. Not surprisingly. Duh.

Anyway, it was awful, because it tripped all my wires about the relationship I had when I was 17 and I was having sex with this guy who eventually sexually assaulted me....he used to say that "it wasn't any big deal" and that there must be something wrong with me if I attached feelings to sex. He was a sociopath and a user, and I've had trouble with dating ever since. I mean, having that happen to you at 17 pretty much stops things in their tracks. Plus, he was filling my head with so much bullshit and I didn't know any better, or didn't trust myself enough to believe in my own opinions on things, so I was pretty fucked up for a long time. And so when Danny didn't act right out of his own youth and inexperience, I had a meltdown. And that lasted for months til I finally had to go to the hospital and that's when I got on meds.

Whew.

So, you can see why it's hard for me, and why I struggle with being casual. My mind knows that it's okay, and it's going to be okay, and that I'm an ADULT now, and dating as an adult is a leeeeetle more negotiable than dating as a 17 year old, or even dating at 22. And that people have all kinds of different paces and expectations and misunderstandings happen and work obligations and other dates with other people and so on and so forth.
So I try, I try VERY HARD to remind myself to RELAX. Just relax, because not everyone is That Bastard, or Anthony, or even stupid Danny. But I guess I have been so disappointed in men an hurt by them, it's hard for me to just say, "Let it go, Jessie, it's going to be okay, " and give someone the benefit of the doubt Of Not Being an Asshole.

Does that make sense?

I really don't think this guy is an asshole, but I do think he might be playing it cool, and I suppose that's understandable. Still, I gotta say that I'm not comfortable with that here. I have to work very hard to play it as cool as I have been, and I don't need things to be any cooler or I'm going to start getting confused. And that scares me, because when I get confused about this stuff, I panic, and I worry that I'm going to have a meltdown again.

Does THAT make sense?

It all comes down to my not having a good frame of reference for things. I can only trust my instincts and believe that I'm not tremendously broken, and hope for the best. And try to get advice and input from other people who DO have a better frame of reference for things and more experience.

God, I wish I had to work tomorrow so I didn't have to sit around and BE with this shit all day.

Just breathe, Jessica. Just breathe. It will all be all cool.

Desperation Breeds Hilarity.....

Sassy's commentary on my List O' Dental Horrors:

• " 1 night guard so I won't grind my teeth anymore "

This had me picturing a balding fat guy in a rent-a-cop uniform snoozing at your bedroom door.

My response:

Like what was he gonna do, bitch-slap me awake every time I started?
"Wake up! WAAAAAKKKKE UPPPPPP!!!" ::smacking sounds::

It might be cheaper.

...and a Little Contempt:

Scientology: A trip to Crazytown?
On the front page today:

http://www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com/

FYI: I realized that there's some terminology in there that won't make sense if you're out of the loop.
SP: Suppressive Person. An evil or negative person, someone who speaks in genreralities and vaguarities; a person who talks negatively about Scientology. It's said that Scientology keeps a list of all known people who have done so.
KWS: Keeping Scientology Working, a set of directives from L. Ron to make sure Scientology lasted for hundreds of years.
"tech": short for technology, the Science of Mind, the proccess of using the "tools" to manage your life.
LRH: well, that'd be L. Ron Hubbard, of course.

If you can get through the thing without nodding off, it's seriously worth it; Cheesy Announcer Voice at the end of this insider Scientology vid (from their organization on how he's changing the world and bringing new members to the fold, and getting some award for that within the church), is SO bad, it's great.

None of it makes any goddamned sense, of course. But I think my friend Millie sums it up well:

You have to help, because you Know. And, they know you Know. And, you know that they Know you Know. And so, you've got to do IT. You're either in IT, or you're out of it. Because you Know.

How'd I do so far? :)

To which I responded:

You know, I think you Know. I think you Know you Know, which is helpful. And that will help you helping others, and help them Know, so they can help.

*Snif.* It's just so danged beautiful.

And Maybe A Little of Both:

"I was in San Francisco once and I saw a guy brush his hair with a dead bird and then propose to a mailbox. But according to my notes here....uh, let's see...yes. Yes. He has officially dropped to #2 on the list of the most insane things I have ever seen."

That's a direct quote there from whomever's running that blog at IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com. He's gotta be the meanest person I've ever read ( and that's sayin' something....) but THAT is hilarious.

THEN I'm in CVS ( a drugstore, kinda like Wal-Greens) waiting for a prescription. I catch the eye of this guy who's walking past, and a sudden wave of recognition hits me. I've seen him before...where? He gives me direct eye contact and then quickly looks away like he recognizes ME. I'm standing there in line going, "WHERE have I seen him before? Work. Is he a client? No. Did we go to school....no,no way. Was he a waiter somewhere...???"

THEN it hits me: it's the 43-yr-old virgin guy from "The Pick-Up Artist." He got booted for being too shy,nervous, stiff, somewhere early on in the show. Well, he thinks I recognized him when I made eye contact and so he got a little "uh-oh" on me, as I have seen many a public figure do when I encounter them in such pedestrian places as CVS, McDonalds, Starbucks.... But how weird is that that he's in my drugstore?

Even weirder: I'm standing there thinking, "Do I know him from work?" What a colossal brain malfunction. I call Sassy and tell her, "I just saw 43-yr-od-virgin guy in CVS. And I couldn't figure out where I knew him from. I kept thinking I knew him PERSONALLY or in passing in REAL LIFE. Is that fucked up or what???"

Typically Sassy, she says:

"Well, it's a good thing he left when he did, 'cause maybe he'd try to work his mojo on ya!"

MmHmm. And gotten a kick in the shins for it. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed, me or him: I'm the idiot who thought she saw him serving my coffee at Starbucks....I'm so fucking lame and catty! Oy!!


And now, we're ALL going to hell, I'm pretty sure of it. At least it will be an entertaining trip....

I was wrong: Mr. Naughty ( he does have a real name. I'm trying to think of a good alias for it, as it is--oh ha ha ha-- the same name as a recent ex of mine, but I kind of like this one. Tee hee.) was swayed by my email. "What a happy coincidence," he writes. "I would still like to meet you. What is your schedule like?"

Good god, am I somehow going to get some nookie for my birthday? I know, how crude. Listen: when you're where I am about it, being coy is pointless.

I just got back from the dentist's, and when it is all said and done, this root canal frenzy will cost me $6500. $6500. That's for:

• 
  1 root canal my insurance refuses to pay for (I believe I mentioned that in my last post)
  6 crowns
  5 posts to stabilize crowns
  1 night guard so I won't grind my teeth anymore
  1 partial to put in the back so I can chew where both molars have been removed.

I applied for credit, and got it, only because my parents co-signed. That was nice of them. I had NOT expected it to cost this much, however. I had expected it to be half of that. And I will be paying $360 a month for 18 months if I want to avoid accruing interest.

Second job, here I come. Dismally.

Oh, and untill I get paid next Monday, I have exactly $9.10 to my name. Yippee.

Also, I went to see Cute Endo this morning and while it's always lovely to see his smiling face and engage in silly banter, I was informed that MediCal would NOT be paying for one of my teeth to get a root canal, all of his arguing on my behalf yeilding nothing. In their minds, we might as well yank that tooth right outta there, because they don't wanna pay, even though I NEED it, thank you, as I'm USING it currently.

And so, the cost of this one tooth, out of pocket? $1100. Without the crown. After I started breathing normally again, I mumbled, "well. I guess I'll be calling my parents." Poor Cute Endo. He sat there for a moment and looked at me, and then he patted my arm and said, "That's what they're there for. " Then he smiled and got up.

Of course this made me crush on him even harder, but he's married, and his Adorable-ness is besides the point. The point is:

I then had to walk out to the reception area where I had to apply for a line of credit, and you know what? I did call my parents, but I called them to co-sign. I just CAN'T bear to ask them for Christ-Knows-How-Much-When-It's-All-Said-And-Done-Lump-Sum. They've already paid for a buttload of money for my teeth, and they're retired and have I mentioned I'm 38???? My dad didn't even blink when I asked him to co-sign, though, adding further to the Pod Person Theory. That was a nice spot in an otherwise bleak morning.

Still, I'm going to be taking the hit for probably around $4200. That I don't actually HAVE. And I'm in a job that doesn't give me enough hours as yet. I still think they don't know if I'll work out; I get that, it's been a rough start with my having to get used to the byzantine computer system. But regardless, I think I'm going to have to get a second job for sure now, just to make payments on my teeth. Because did I mention the $9.10? Seriously, I think I'm going to have to go sell some CDs for gas money.

Besides that, R thinks he's found Actor Cop's addy. Apparently he's been calling around to his business manager, et al. He told me today, "After four phone calls and a few not-so-true statements, I found this." Hopefully that will pan out. At this rate, I need the $$. Even if the judge laughs at me and says he doesn't have to pay, I gambled $50 ( the filing fee) to possibly win the $3000 I should be due.

Now that $60 for Salon Personals? I'd like THAT back, please. I need the cash.

ARHGHTHGSRSHAPAGAHAHAHA!!!!

Just me bitchin', I promise:

After corresponding with Mr. Naughty for a week, and his assurances that he thinks we'd be a fine fit and it doesn't matter that I'm not as kinky as he is, he's not worried, anyhoo, well, fuckity fuck fuck, he has to go away from Thursday-on to go save his ass from being laid off . He'd told me there was some drama at work he had to attend to- but when I didn't hear from him Sunday night, I was thnking, "Hmmmm.....". So I write this note saying that if he's no longer interested, that's cool, just let me know. He writes back that he was sorry he couldn't get back to me, as (aforementioned), and so on. THEN he says he was about 3/4s of the way through a long-assed note to me and with the few days to think it over, I maybe AM not kinky enough for him, and I seem to date at a different speed. That he really enjoyed talking to me and but we probably weren't as compatible as he had hoped.

*we pause now for the head banging against the wall*

Can I just add here that I reread some of his original emails and had been thinking, "hmmm.....you know, Jessie. maybe you're getting worried over nothing." A mental review of my past ahem, adventures seemed to reveal that I, um, er, well.....let's just say a little compromise here and there and we might be as happy as clams. So I was less worried and more into the idea of meeting him.
Especially since I've been emailing three other guys over the week and only one of them merits talking to continually. The other two are just plain boring and help-me-I'm-smart-but-have-a-stick-up-my-ass. The one that HAS been interesting is not cute. NOT cute. And may I add, I emailed ALL of them first? NONE of them emailed me. I have YET to receive ONE email. I get viewed alot, but nothing else much.

So I emailed him and said, "hey ! Wait up! This is what I've been thinking. If you think it still might be cool, call me....email....I leave it to you...." I highly suspect his answer might be the same.

Which is just as well, I suspect....I guess...godDAMMIT, I really like him and yet, remain a bit on the fence, and if he just would have been willing to go on a date....oh, fuck it. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. The LAST time I said "give this a shot" to someone when there was transfixing chemistry but a bit of unsurity on the rest of it, I ended up with Anthony. But in this situation's defense, with Tony it was more than a BIT of being unsure! This was just a little!

Oh, fuck it. Who knows. Maybe I'm being spared some horror unimaginable. And yet.....

Here I am at 39, and no date for my birthday. Again. Gosh, Jessica. How long has it been? Well, America, I haven't had a date for my birthday since....1994. Yes, that's factually true. That's the year I broke up with James, and I have been unable to sustain a relationship in a steady manner to actually have a date for my birthday OR Valentine's day for THAT long. I haven't had sex on my birthday since then, or Valentine's Day, or Christmas, or New Years since then. Yes, thank you very much. What's that? When's the last time I had sex? Oh, my. Let's see.....no, I'm not even going to tell you that. It's too damned awful for most normal human people to imagine. . Yup. And with my luck, it's going to stretch right on ad infnitum just like it did before without even a blip.

Of course, I don't want just any guy, right?

Frankly, I don't give a shit anymore. Is being with some cute boy with a mild taste for kink really going to ruin me so badly that I can't function? Will it really prevent me from finding my soulmate? Does it even matter? Is it ever going to happen ANYWAY? I don't know. I just can't think about it without crying anymore, and well, you know how great of a mindset THAT is in going into a dating situation. But you can't UNDO being in the state I'm in without SOME hope, so it's a horrible, horrible Catch-22.

What did I do so wrong in a past life to be left like this?

Well, I went to go deliver Mr. Actor Cop his papers tonight, having roped someone into playing process server, and after an unsuccessful attempt, I knocked on the neighbor's door to find out if they were out of town, or what. Turns out he MOVED. To where, she didn't know, but this is how she closed the conversation, "I'd call his agent." Okay, but I had already talked to Lawyer Friend again about that and he made it clear to me that serving his agent would NOT count in court. (They just settled that on the books, apparently.) So I'd better pray that Agent is going to be helpful. ::Snort. :: Yeah, because that's what agents are allllll about.

Goddammit, the man hit me, I have medical bills, he lied about being a cop, and what am I supposed to DO since I can't track him down or get close enough to even hurl the papers at him? I was complaining to Lynnie, who was going to serve him, and she said, "There has to be some procedure for this. Think about it- what if you had to serve Brad Pitt or something? People sue actors bigger than this all the time. You should call the courts. "

I agree-- he clearly has concerns about security, as the old house had a giant security fence, so he might be a semi-aloof type. And what if he's shooting in New York, or on a location somewhere? What the hell do I do then?

Just another fun twist to living in Sunny LA. When they say it's not all glamour and glitz, they're right. Sometimes, it is a just a plain old royal pain in the ass, just because you're here, instead of somewhere NORMAL.

ARGHGHGHGHGHHHH!!!!!!

.....And the Fun Train stops short.

Yesterday was a bad day, and today is shaping up no better.

What has my knickers in a twist? Well, let's start with a New Year's Resolution:

Goddammit, I went and joined Salon Personals, because I'm going to be 39 ( !!!!!) this year, and it's beginning to look like the convent is going to be the option. I met some woman the other day who was 50 and had never married. Frankly, I would throw myself off a cliff if that happened. I can't imagine being this lonely and alone for so long... Don't get me wrong, I like my solitary life, to an extent. But I really don't want to live this way, I never did, and it's just getting to be too much. If people don't start trying to understand that and stop minimizing it, I'm going to start yelling.... don't say you haven't been warned.

So I was up emailing someone. I don't know about it, we'll have to see. He's quite verbose ( a writer) so there's alot to respond to. I remain on the fence for one particular reason about him, although he is quite cute and smart and funny and good-hearted ( the reason I chose Salon Personals in the first place.). He disclosed on his profile that he has a "penchant toward mild kink" and while he didn't feel it was neccessarily appropriate to just blurt that out without even shaking hands first, apparently recent dating experiences had him feeling that it might be more helpful to him and whomever he might date in the future if he threw it on the table right up front.

I liked his profile up til that last paragraph so much that I decided to just email and ask, "okay, what are we dealing with here??" He wrote back, and was quite polite and candid, and surprisingly tactful ( read: not sleazy, dirty or weird) in sharing this information. It was like I asked him, "So, what kind of coffee do you like? Do you mind telling me?" and he answered, "Why, I brought up coffee first, so of course it's fine of you to ask. I prefer to tell you so we don't waste time making the wrong kind of decisions, re: coffee compatibility. I like French Roast, etc. etc., but I'm not going to be drinking that at your mom's house, if you're worried....if you too, might be up for some French Roast, or even some Holiday Spice Blend, we could perhaps get to know one another. Thank you so much for considering coffee with me. If you like, we can talk about other topics now."

Okay, that was a pretty goofy analogy. But you get the picture.

My response was also candid ( I won't go into it, I'm sure you don't want those images in your head). The gist: I can handle some of it, but not all of it. I told him what I was down with from his list, specified that those were my boundaries, and that given he was the one with all the predilictions, I could only set them out there and let him decide what he was willing to compromise/concede, on the basis of what he was truly interested in experiencing with someone else. And of course I was quite polite and thank you for sharing, and you are very interesting and nice to talk to, and I don't think you're weird, and we'll speak again.

So last night he emails further and seems to think that although our interests don't overlap by much, that we might well be compatible anyway, since he can take or leave most of it, and so on and so forth. He stressed repeatedly that he leaves it at the bedroom door and that he is quite respectful and sweet and honorable in every other way. I did manage to surmise that, as like I said, he's so prosaic and pedestrian in his conversation about this Topic that we might well be talking about breakfast items. He also specified that he realized that we were indeed putting the cart before the horse and by no means was he looking for any kind of oddity/hook-up/unbalanced top-heavy scenario, and that all of it depended on meeting each other and developing every thing else first anyway.

So I emailed back, and specified the concerns I had that maybe it wouldn't work, I don't know, hmm, and erm, and so on and so forth. THAT was what took me a long time to write.
My overall feeling about it is that I've been thinking about it, and I don't think it's probably a good match. I just feel that I'm probably going to err on the side of "too vanilla" ( it's all relative, after all) for him in the long run, and that will probably frustrate him after awhile. Or, frankly, I'm going to always wonder, "Um, when is the really kinky stuff going to hit? Is it going to? Is he going to go too far one day and I"ll end up reflexively kicking him in the shins?" I suppose that the latter could happen at any time with any partner- after all, it's not rocket science here, and we all try stuff/push the envelope with um, *spontaneous acts* occasionally that just ring WRONG. Still.

At any rate, it's pointless to know untill I know him better and see if he's a pervert or just a nice, decent man with a few random idiosyncrasies. It would be a shame if things didn't match up, because he is VERY smart and funny and CUTE. But alas, we all have to be grown-ups.

Jesus. I can't believe I posted that for public viewing. Oy.

Anyway.

In other areas, I have a job interview today; or I did. (More on that later). For that a spa that originally was interested in me before I got my present job. Yesterday at Current Job was just....it was bad toward the end. Like I left crying in frustration and feeling overwhelmed, which I would NEVER do unless I've been there awhile and then only if someone has been screaming at me for about an hour straight ( see: Last Job, and Why I Left.)
They have this crazy computer system, one of those Mega-Managers that not only books appointments, but regulates payroll, the cash drawer, all gift certificates and treatment packages, client databases, etc. at once. So, when you want to check someone out, it's this 5-step proccess so that the whole system can be rectfied. Good Christ, it's a wonder it doesn't do my hair. They swear learning this byzantine computer system will get easier, but I kind of freaked out because the asst. mgr said I need to know it by next week as she isn't in on the days I am!! EVER. I flat out told her I need more time....they were all compassionate and "It will get easier! Give it time! It will be okay!!" and they obviously want me to succeed. But I'm taking a pay cut to be there and I'm already seeing the ways it's making up for what I'm NOT doing in it's complexity, which has me feeling defeated and like I can't get ahead.

Besides, I need money bad. I'm not in dire straits, but I just DO NOT know how I'm going to float that $2500 for the crowns to top the root canals.....I applied for financing and am praying that goes through, but my credit is laughably bad. Unfortunately, the work needs to be done ASAP. Like as soon as I can physically be in that chair, since the composite in the three teeth he did only lasts for a short period of time, and we can't proceed to the last two untill the bottom three are crowned ( long, stupid dental detailed story which I will spare you.)

Plus I still owe on this computer, etc, I'm behind on all my bills because of being out of work. I don't want to ask mom and dad for $$, so I am going to have to make it. If I have to take a second job, for now, so be it. I REALLY need a bed ( frame) and that's $$ too.

So THEN, we move on to Today:

This morning I hit the alarm and rolled over. I woke up late for interview, but in enough time to pull it together if I gunned it. I get out of bed, and mid-sprint, I discover my power has been turned off. FUCK.

Call power company. I wait on hold. Meanwhile, precious minutes of my Gap Time are ticking away. Finally someone answers: I forgot to pay and I'm overdue. Shit. Okay, here's my debit card...oh, new policy: I have to call the payment center, make a payment, and call Burbank Water and Power back with a confirmation number. I call payment center and of course, it's some ridiculous set of key prompts that takes twice as long as it should. I call back BWP, and I'm back on hold. I look at the (battery powered) clock, and I've used all my Sprint Time to make it to interview. Finally I get someone on the phone give them the #, and hang up.

I then call the interview location and inform them of my dillemma, and whomever promises to have Owner and Interviewer call me as soon as they arrive. So I run to bathroom, groom with window light, and then have a quick cup of coffee. NO call. I call spa, and Owner got my message and then left. "She'll call you later, she said," says Idiot On Phone. *Sigh*. Fuck. The Irony: I had set coffeemaker to brew at 11:00. When I got out of bed at 12:45, there was coffee, and it was still warm. Which means power co. didn't turn off power til about 30 minutes before I woke up. Jackasses.

On the later agenda for today, Lynnie is going to TRY to serve Pseudo-Cop Boy tomorrow, and god only knows if it will happen. Our court date is Feb 8, so I need to serve toot suite. I had no idea when the court date WAS, as no one pointed out to me that it was at the bottom of he papers. HELLO? Thank God my Lawyer Pal pointed it out. He also pointed out that since I'd waited two years to file, he wasn't so sure the judge would give a shit about this dude impersonating a cop. That pretty much deflated my little righteous balloon. I wonder if it will all be worth it.

Good times. I think I need a cookie and a hug. *Sigh*.

I got my final Amazon package today from R ( he sent me 4 packages from my wish list, which was very nice. I had a nice Christmas overall, because for some reason my mom and dad have had a massive personality overhaul and are sending gift certificates, money, and ordering things I specifically asked for, plus friends have been very kind and generous despite the Scrooge I can sometimes be, so I was very grateful.), and so that was a nice surprise.

And my brother's gift got here ( it was delayed), so Christmas is officially over. Hooray. !!!

And I got a job. I start on Monday. I'm a receptionist at a massage spa. There's a manager. And an assistant manager. And I do not have to do the following usual spa things like:

• 
  *laundry
  *fold towels
  *clean rooms
  *stock products
  *run the sauna
  *see people naked
  *make scented towels/arrange flowers/deal with aromatherapy
  *take out the trash
  *run around like a chicken with my head cut off while doing that and answering the phone
  *do the books/budget
  *keep track of supplies
  *shop for the spa
  *listen to the owner bitch about my inability to save her more money
  

I just answer the phone. And I take the money. And I help clients. And THAT'S IT. I took a small pay cut ($1) for a bit to have this privilige, but it's worth it to me because:

*at 20 hours a week, I am eligible for health insurance and a 401k
*after 30 days receptionists are paid a portion (commission) of the overall days sales NO MATTER what shift they work on
* paid parking
*free massage once a month and 40% off all other spa services
*located right next to a grocery store for quickie errands after work
* about 15mins away from home on a good day, mostly side streets
*three days a week, 9-3, and I don't have to be perky unless I'm in front of clients ( boss was very clear on that!)
*I can have another job on the weekends if I need to, or take a class if I want
*a boss who understands about my ongoing dental issues (I was upfront about that)
*a boss who isn't going to call me at home to ask about her personal problems
*a boss who isn't going to harrass me at work about MY personal issues
*a boss who doesn't care that I have a life outside of work ( I brought up all three of those)

Lastly, I just need a damned income right now so even if it's Dante's Inferno, I don't care for a few months!
Unless there's something I'm missing, I'm willing to let $1 an hour go for those things.

That's all the news that is the news...in this area. In the "I'm Not A Cop But I Play One on TV" Department, I found the guys addy, AND his secondary business addy ( he owns a small boutique in the area with this wife) so NOW I just have to track him down and have someone serve him the damned papers. I was doing the math the other day and if he just shells out the amount I'm claiming in the suit ($3000- that's including my trip to the emergency room that the insurance already paid for and lost wages- I didn't work untill March because I couldn't go back to floral + the $6oosomething for the chiropractor that is UNpaid), I'll have enough left for my crowns ( $2500 or so- 5 crowns x $500 apiece= $2500). I'm hoping that pans out. Plus I get the schaedenfruede of turning him into the LA County Sheriff's office for fraud and telling the judge about it. He'll likely get a slap on the wrist since there's no proof ( although Lynnie was in the car as a witness) but I don't care. It's out there, and he'll likely not try it again, AND it gets brought up at trial. Nanny nanny boo boo.

And it's finally raining here and supposed to rain in a substantial way for the next three days. I may be the only one in Southern California rejoicing that fact, but the rest of them will be come summertime and less of everything is on fire than usual.

Happy New Year!