Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

So, apparently I'm not the only one with issues about the Lindsay Lohan/ Marilyn Monroe pics:

Vindication, it's nice. Also makes me wonder why I'm not trying harder to write a column of some sort instead of regaling innocent friends and bystanders with my blog. Not to mention, the pay might be better.....

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Here are all your updates, pleasantly presented in 30s/40s -era song lyrics:

1.) I got my mojo workin'/ It just ain't workin' on you. (~ "Got My Mojo Workin' ", Foster/Cole/Waters, est. 1946)

This week has sucked ass. Let's start with Monday: I worked at St. Louis Art Museum for 6 years, the Forum for Contemprorary Art in STL for 2. I have a degree in Studio Art and another in Religion AND YET, it's been quite a trial getting even an interview in LA at a museum....SO, on Thursday, finally I muster up the chutzpah to call MOCA HR after sending my resume in for the 10,000th time to ask what qualifications they might be lookng for. Apparently only HALF of my resume had been transmitting -- the left half. ( thank you, Windows Vista). So I reformatted, resent, and used it as a reason to call back.

The woman in HR conducted an informal interview on the phone, and said she'd refer my resume to the hiring manager. Who then called me Thursday night for an interview Friday. Except I didn't recieve the message til Saturday ( thank you, AT & T wireless!). Of course I try to salvage that situation and leave messages and explain, but by Monday afternoon they'd already hired someone. Needless to say, I was desperately pissed and unhappy......

2.) Once I built a railroad/made it run/made it race against time/ once I built a railroad...../now it's done/ Brother, can you spare a dime? (~ "Brother Can You Spare A Dime", Harburg/Gorney, 1931)

I'm overdrawn. By like $335. Soon to be more. OH MY GOD, what the hell am I going to do??? Help. Help me strategize. When my check for $500 comes from my mom at the beginning of the month, I could dump it all in there to pay for everything. Then I'll have no money to keep the wolves at bay with bills. Fuck, fuck FUCK> Breathing. Breathing. I have a job. It's not a big job. IT's not a serious job. But there is money coming in. ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. All that work last year to clean up my credit and I have to live on rubber checks and look where I am now???
I'm so disappointed.

3.) Mama may have/And Papa may have/But God bless the child who's got his own....(~ "God Bless The Child", Holliday/Herzog, 1939)

Still, the thing is, I really am tired of not being able to support myself a little's humilating to take that check. I consider myself damned lucky to have it though: at $8 an hour, my new job at Big Retail Bookseller isn't making enough money. I've been in worse retail, but for that wage, it's tiring- on my feet 6 hours a day. It makes you wonder about the economy and why these jobs are so appealing to people in my age group-- and most of them are.

Overall, though, the people are nice, and I like it well enough. I'm still training, but it's not rocket science. Look up the book, get book for customer. Reshelve books. Ring customers out. Okay? Yeah, I think I got it. The perks are substantial:We get a 30% discount on books, a 50% discount on gifts/food, and are allowed to "check out" any hardcover book to read at home for free, as long as we return it in perfect shape. We get advanced copies of new books coming out and we can have those.

After 6 months, even at part time I'm eligible for insurance. And apparently, they pay all employees on certain holidays ( Christmas Eve, Easter, etc) EVEN IF you're not scheduled!!! If you're actually working, you get time and a half, but even if you're not there, you get your paid for your regular shift! Is that crazy or WHAT??? I was like, "Are you joking?" My mgr said, "Big Bookseller provides lots of incentives even though they don't pay you alot, because they want to KEEP you here and not have you go elsewhere." How can I argue about that?

I'd keep this job a few days a week forever just to have the discounts. I mean, it's a book-lovers paradise. If it paid more (even a dollar more) an hour, I'd never leave..... that's how sweet the perks are.

But it's $8 an hour and 20 hours a week, and that just aint enough. And after getting screwed out of the MOCA job, it's a slap in the face from the Universe, as far as I'm concerned. Some days, it really feels like "Yes, the strong gets more/ While the weak ones fade...", as Billie would say it.

I can't complain. I can't complain. I WON'T complain. I like this job. I need this job. It is at the very least, my honorable duty to keep it and become a sustainable person in society.

4.) And when you say you'll stay/That's when you'll go/ First you say you will/ Then you say you won't/ You're undecided now/So whattare you gonna do? (~"Undecided", Robin/Shavers, 1939)

In other news, Jack and I are on the outs- he screwed up this week and it's a long story but I'm frustrated with him right now and I think he's probably had it. Why?

Because since we're sleeping together, - oh, yeah. I guess I should throw that in, too! Yes. Ahem. See....he kissed me one evening, and things got kinda heated, and suddenly, all my apprehensions about his being short and slim went out the window. Mr. Jack has quite alot going on underneath that placid exterior; I was surprised to discover, and there was no trouble wooing me into the bedroom. And I'm glad that he did, and so is he, and we'll leave it at that. Just for the record, though, nobody is swapping keys, or pledging undying love, and we're still free to see other people, ( but NOT sleep with them) since we're still seeing where this goes. There's no titles being bandied about nor are there plans to meet the parents or even the friends yet. Still all very cool.

BUT: I DID suggest that maybe we should spend some extra time together getting to know each other better, date more actively, now, by seeing each other twice a week versus once. At the time, he was totally okay with that and agreed and that was that.

And yet....has he planned that? No. Has he been slacking? Yes. Have I had to call him on it twice now? Yes. Am I coming off as a demanding bitch even though he already agreed to this? Yes. Is he a bad guy? No. Do I hate him or am I angry? No. Do I feel like kicking him in the pants and saying "Pull it together, dipwad! I'm sick of planning everything or waiting around for you to plan it, which never happens!!!"? Yes. Is he likely to say, "I'm outta here"? We'll see.

In some ways, it's this classic Venus and Mars problem ( ugh, John Gray!!! Ugh, ugh!!!). It's always the same: Different men, same sickness: they can't plan anything in advance if their fucking life depended on it, and rely on women to initate all kinds of plans. And then they wonder why women turn into harpies, or get dish-throwing mad. (From all reports, my married friends state that The Sickness only gets worse when there has to be babysitters involved. NOT that I'm heading there any time soon.)

In other ways, it's about How Someone Fits Into Your Life, and of course, at this stage of dating, that's a hairy sitch. And somehow, everyone's defensiveness comes out in that way, because it has to do with "What Does IT MEAN?!?!?"and "How Does HE/SHE FEEL About Me, Really?!?!?" and limits and boundaries, fears and unspoken apprehensions-- you know....the super fun stuff.

*Sigh*....anyway, a big discussion about Expectations ensued, premenstrual me dissolving in tears, him welling up from time to time, some yelling, and so on:

Me: We agreed to see each other twice a week and I keep having to prompt you.
Him: I didn't know there was a quota! You totally got upset because it didn't happen!!
Me: Because I'm trying to get to know you without sex ! We both said that was a good idea!
Him: I get that! I totally agree! But could it be less rigid? Can't we see how it unfolds week by week? Can't we agree to see each other often - once, twice, three times sometimes and then maybe a week passes --still with lots of contact and conversation --and if it doesn't work out to see each other at all even- or so precisely --it not be a tragedy?
Me: You're the one with the 10-12 hour a day job! I was just trying to make it easier! But I keep ending up feeling like a nagging bitch!
Him: And I end up feeling like an asshole who's disappointed you. I don't want to make you unhappy!!!
Me: I don't want to make you unhappy either! But I have no idea what you want from me, Jack.
Him: I really really like you! You're fun and I want to spend time with you and get to know you more! I think you'd be great to do fun things with. I really like the sex, too, even if we need to scale it back! I want a romantic thing with you! I care about you. Don't you know that?
Me: I was hoping, but this is the first I've heard.
Him: What? I have alot of affection for you! I want you around. I didn't just get in this to get in your pants....I don't just...I wouldn't just get involved with any woman, let alone sleep with someone if I didnt really enjoy their companionship.
Me: But you are so threatened with each move I make to be a part of your world....
Him: That's not true!
Me: I gave you a toothbrush and your best friend said, "Red Card! Too far!"
Him: It just seems like 0-to-60 to me.
Me: I didn't ask you to pick out curtains! I gave you a toothbrush!

And so on. He's so aversive by nature ( self-ascribed; I didn't label him that, but I do see it now) and has been alone for along time. His last relationships ( in order): 1.) Some sort of fuck-buddy thing with his LESBIAN friend Ronni who was in a realtionship at the time ( I guess she got permission to go get some dick) for a year, on and off , and , 2.) Long distance with a girlfriend who moved to Canada shortly after they got involved; broke up about a year and half ago. In his reserved way, he rarely says affectionate things ( although he's intensely sweet, kind, and supportive, this was the first I'd heard of how he felt about me. Not big on declarative sentences, this one). He doesn't really plan anything well and prefers to take the "Let's see how it all shakes down as the days progress" strategy to time management/relationships.

And then there's me, who is all "We slept together, so here's how it's gonna be, *WHAM* Don't think you're getting away with anything. " I tend to be very ordered and rigid with boundaries and am very uncomfortable with looser paramters on relationships ( I'm working on it- this whole thing with him is somewhat of that, so see?) I'm someone who has a hard time with his "play it by ear" strategy in life, because I just EXPECT it to go badly, I have been SO fucked over by that before, because even if the man was "nice" and not intending to be hurtful, by being thoughtless and irresponsible you can still get jacked. And because dammit, I am BUSY, he is BUSY and I think that choices about time spent = how you feel about me, even if it might not be so ( His comment: "Sweetheart, it is so not related." I'm still thinking about THAT one....)


We ended the conversation with the "We both need to take some time and think, but neither of us wants to toss this to the winds yet". He's spending the weekend with his parents and ~Cate~ ( emphasis on ~Cate~ because she's this friend he esteems SO highly it makes me want to vomit a little, even though I've never met her).

ME? I went to work and slept alot. This week wore me the fuck out.

To wrap this up, I'll offer this:

I went through a serious T.S Eliot phase in high school, and I never forgot his line about "April is the cruellest month". I always disagreed; March is the WORST. It's far too long and blustery, any way you take it.

Once I was a sentimental thing; threw my heart away each spring.

Now a spring romance hasn't got a chance.

Promised my first dance to winter.

All I've got to show's a splinter for my little fling.

Spring this year has got me feeling like a horse that never left the post.

I lie in my room staring up at the ceiling.

Spring can really hang you up the most.

Morning's kiss wakes trees and flowers,and to them I'd like to drink a toast.

But I walk in the park just to kill the lonely hours.

Spring can really hang you up the most.

All afternoon the birds twitter-twitt. I know the tune.

This is love, this is it. Heard it before and don't I know the score.

And I've decided that spring is a bore.

Love seems sure around the new year.

Now it's April. Love is just a ghost.

Spring arrived on time,only what became of you, dear?

Spring can really hang you up the most.

Spring can really hang you up the most.

Love came my way. I thought it would last.

We had our day, now it's all in the past.

Spring came along, a season of song, full of sweet promise but something went wrong.

Doctors once prescribed a tonic.

Sulfur and molasses was the dose.

Didn't help one bit. My condition must be chronic.

Spring can really hang you up the most.

All alone, the party is over.

Old man winter was a gracious host.

But when you keep praying for snow to hide the clover, spring can really hang you up the most.

(~ "Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most", Wolf/Landesman, 1937)

Monday, March 17, 2008

Okay, lots of news to tell, and I'll get to that soon. But first:

You know, when I first saw David Byrne I had just celebrated my Sweet 16 about a week prior. Some might say I was young and impressionable, but I watched him in "Stop Making Sense" and it changed my life forever. I said to myself, "I want to do what he does," in the sense of making art and shaking things up. I think I'm forever chasing that, still.

I've often wondered if my nostalgia for that moment kept me on track with what my heart really wants or just kept me stuck in a rut toward ideas that I've failed to update. Now that I watch the above clip, I have to wager that it's the former. After all, if Our Featured Player in the clip was impacted, you know it was a big cultural deal.

Same as it ever was.......same as it ever WAS.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

I just had to post this:

Levity in the face of desperation, yet never becomes tiresome or boring, somehow.....
Needed: Mad scientist, good with neurosurgery, professional experience, skills and practices; questionable ethics. Willing to work for low pay , but with possible referrals if successful . Must provide own facilities. One time only, discretion a must. LIVE SUBJECTS AVAILABLE! Call now!

I just really need them to switch bodies, that's all. Is that too much to ask?

I went on date with BB tonight. ARCGHGGHACH. Futilely ( sp?), I hoped that it would be a vast improvement in person than it was on the phone, but alas, NO.

He's EXHAUSTING. There's just no other word for it. Oh, wait, yes there is: Grating. Yes, I think that will fit.

To his credit: the man is a very nice man. He's a good man- I've had two weeks of emails and phone calls to find this out. He's got integrity, he wants a relationship, he's not out to just get laid, he's actually tenderhearted and how would I put it? Trying to grow, trying to move forward, and at least partially insightful to his own shortcomings. He's polite, good to women, respectful, picks up the check. He's very intelligent (if not entirely well-spoken) and a very promising talent in his field ( I got to see some of his work tonight).

I had been going off of pictures, but in person? Helloooooooo, nurse, as Yakko Warner used to say. Tall, dark, handsome. Smells nice, dresses nice, good hair, sweet brown eyes, full lips, nice teeth, cheekbones for days.. A smile with dimples and those distinguished little crinkles men get around their eyes when they get older. The smile got me, it was a killer. You can't buy a smile like that, although many have tried.

In short, I wanted to reach over the table and just lick him from head to toe after about 5 minutes.

And then.....he started talking. *Sigh* That sound you're hearing is the death knell to any possible chance with me he might have had.'s hard to describe, but he's got a problem, like I may have mentioned before, with not shutting up when he should. It starts with that. Then it goes into not really having a knack for conversation, as most people understand that to mean. When I think of conversation, I think of this, for example :

Me: So, I read an intersting article the other day about how dogs can be taught to dance.
You: Really? That's crazy. What did it say?
Me: Well, you train them with a whistle and some Snausages, and they will do up to 10 known Gene Kelly routines.
You: Holy crap. You know, we had this dog once that could bark along to "Jingle Bells:
Me: Really? Like on the record?
You: Totally. He made this little funny yelp at the end like he was adding his own twist to it.
Me: Wow. Did you ever tape it?
You: No. He ran away before we got a chance.
Me: Awww.
You: It's okay. We got hamsters after that.

See? It's not so hard. You bring up a topic, the other person engages you. Then you elucidate. Then they add something. Then you engage them. And so on. Sometimes fun divergences happen. Sometimes, you're even so excited that you cut each other off with things you want to add. A bond occurs because you're sharing ideas and feelings. Pretty straightforward, I'd say, unless you have a pervasive developmental disorder. Right?

Wrong. Here's a sample of what I got this evening:

Him: So here we are. It's so nice to meet you.
Me: Me too! Finally!
Him: I promise: no spouting theories like I'm the only one who knows anything. No bragging. No poking and provoking, like I've done before. I promise.
Me: I think that would be nice. But you know, just relax. No worries.
Him: Yeah. Dating is so hard. I mean, people just don't listen to each other.
Me: Um, sometimes they don't.
Him: They're all into themselves and they really only want to date themselves. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Ugh. It's terrible. These women, they go on and on about themselves, and it's so annoying. Anyway. I really want to just be a nice guy. I just want to have a nice evening.
Me: ( attempting to be pleasant). I'm sure we will.
Him: So, you know, casual, I'm here, you're here, we'll chat, have a few drinks, I'll show you some sketches.... it will be good. I'm a good guy. I'm casual. I'm here, you look nice, we're in a nice restaurant...
Me: Yes. ( Wondering when the prelude is going to end).
Him: So. Are you comfortable? I want you to be comfortable.
Me: I"m fine.
Him: What's on your mind this evening? What is going on in Jessica's world? I want to know: what's Jessica's biography?
Me: From the beginnning? Or can I order a drink first?
Him: Oh, right.
Me: So, let' see here...
Him: You don't drink, right? ( tucking into his cocktail)
Me: No. I just.....
Him: That's too bad. That sucks, huh?

Yeah, at that point, I was really wishing I did drink, believe me.

I know that doesn't neccessarily read so bad, but I felt like I was on a talk show or something. Constant narration of what was happening, or what he intended to happen, followed an endless series of questions that I attempted to answer, only to be interrupted by some obnoxious commentary or opinion on the subject.

Here's another example, which, while the same thing, make one really see his kinder side, just for contrast:

Him: So then you graduated and you stopped making art?
Me: I just was really burned out. And I was tired of talking about myself, and exposing all my insides. I wanted to tell other people's stories for awhile.
Him: So why aren't you?
Me: I....well...I hope to. It's a hard balance trying to make a living.
Him: Yeah, I know. You know, you're very smart and sensitive and feeling.
Me: I guess that's probably true.
Him: And I can tell you struggle with being in a big city like this that's so cold and being so compassionate and sensitive.
Me: Well, it's a hard place to live.
Him: It is. What are you going to do?
Me: I don't know
Him: I wish I could help you. I want to encourage you. I want to really encourage you to get up and make it happen!

See the sweetness? But still, I felt like I was in therapy or something. Probing questions that are uncomfortable and awkward, and then I'm supposed to answer them? Over Honey-Braised Shrimp? It's like he doesn't know how to relax and just flow and be simple, or....or...something. Everything is this Talking About and Around Stuff, versus Real Sharing. About anything! I'm not asking about the whole shebang, I'm saying, read any good books lately? Movies? TOPICAL SUBJECTS??

Then he drinks like 3 Martinis, and that's when the real fun starts. Please note that the following comes out of practically nowhere and is in total seriousness, not jest.

Him: You know....all women really want is Josh Groban.
Me: ( confused) What??!?!
Him: They want that sensitive, drippy type. I know you all say you don't, but you do.
Me: Where are you getting this from?
Him: Experience! I've seen so many women, and talked to so many women, and they all say they don't want this or that, but they want a strong man, and yet, if Josh Groban were here, singing to you, you'd be all over him.
Me: Er, I highly doubt that. I hate Josh Groban. I don't like his voice, he's cheesy, and he needs a good haircut.
Him: Yeah, right. I bet if he were here singing "You Lift Me Up" you'd be all melty.
Me: No, I'd likely be retching into the rice bowl.
Him: Whatever. Say what you want. (Giving me a "I know better" look)
Me: BB, shut up. You think you know, but could it be that you don't? Or are we all here to fit your ideas of what you have already decided?
Him: (waving me off) Oh, now, stop. Let's talk about something else.

Like WHAT???? Fun. Good times. The only good part of the date was when he showed me how he animated, and that's when I got something REAL. He was excited and active and sharing, and I asked questions, and he answered them. We discussed a subject and bonded over the topic, and it was lovely. It was also woefully brief.

I'll spare you the whole breakdown of how the evening ended, since I can't really recall how it came up, or what was exactly said. Essentially, I tried to turn it back into a date versus a detached panel of pontification, by saying something to the effect of, what is your feeling toward this deal, me, you, blah blah blah? And I got this tirade about how women always want to know what he's feeling, and he's hard to read, and that must be frustrating? Why, yes, it is. What is it that you're looking for? Gosh, a little affirmation? If you're into me, think I'm pretty, don't think I'm pretty, what's the deal? NO, that would give away too much of his hand. No flirting, no touching, no nothing. "AM I supposed to perform some kind of action that tells you something?"

Me: BB, I've been talking to you for 2 weeks and I just spent the last 4 hours with you at dinner. I have no clue as to whether or not you're interested because you reveal nothing. And we sit here and talk about very little of substance. But you're not leaving. And I just don't get it.

I don't even know why I bothered to ask, since I was just exasperated as hell. I guess it was a last ditch effort to reach the inside of someone who isn't able to really connect with people easily. Maybe he doesn't have a pervasive developmental disorder, but he's hopelessly inexperienced and ineffective in communicating his feelings. On even the most basic level. He is so uncomfortable in the moment with things, he can't stop analyzing them or catagorizing them or trying to fit them into some sort of pre-made box. And while I see this struggle and this deeper part that is wanting to be connected, I also see a profound immaturity and indignance at having to go through the process of making the effort.

It's sad. He's actually very kind, which is something that would take awhile to notice, if you didn't know him. He's got a good heart, and really cares. But what is that worth if interacting with him is so disjointed and fractured?

I don't know. As a friend it could be tolerated and moderated. But as a date or a dating situation, it's likely to end in a homicide.

I wish I could put Jack's personality and heart and mind into BB's body. Jack is so easy to talk to, he's open and understanding, and he's funny and smart. And we have alot in common. A conversation with him might go like this:

Me: So what did you do at work today?
Him: Oh, god. There were so many new clients.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah. I guess it's the first of the month, people are out of money, time to get clean! (laughs)
Me (Laughing) Terrible, but true.
Him: I know. It's sad, I had this one client today relapse. They wheeled him today on a gurney.I knew it was coming. He wasn't coming to group in aftercare.
Me: It happens. How did you know it was coming?
Him: Oh, you know- lack of eye contact, leaving early, then just not showing at all.
Me: He was trying not to look you in the eye so he wouldn't have to fess up.
Him: Totally. But at least he checked back in today.
Me: Sometimes it takes awhile for it to stick. I've seen it before.
Him: I know. So. Anyway, what did you do today? Did you see any good job leads?

See? The topic is semi-morbid, if you don't particularly appreciate it ( I do), but we can connect over it. Even in silly situations, it's normal, and easy, and pleasant:

Me: What are you eating?
Him: Cheese and guava pie. It's really good. Want to taste it?
Me: Not on your life.
Him: Why not?
Me: I don't like guavas.
Him: Why not? Oh, that's a dumb question: how do you answer that? You don't like them because you don't. It's hard to quantify! (Laughs)
Me: (Laughing). Yes, it is. But for the record, I think they're weird.
Him: Wait, have you actually ever TRIED one?
Me: No.
Him: Then how do you know?
Me: I don't, but I'll never do it. They're totally WEIRD looking, and they have that GOO, and....and....
(Both burst into laughter).

With BB, that would have turned into a Discussion of How Guavas Will Save The Planet, and How People Just Don't Understand. The rehab talk would have disintegrated into Drugs And Alcohol: BBs Take On It, and anything I had to say was merely incidental. See what I mean?

By now, you're bored of seeing all my date conversations laid out and the one question in your mind is: well, Jessie, you silly cow, go date Jack. What's the problem? He kisses well, you've established that! You got a few tinglies, there might be more, maybe. Give it a shot. Right?

Right.'s the thing. Jack is really, really petite. I mean, not just short and I'm shallow and I should be shot. I mean, like, I think soaking wet he probably weighs about 150 pounds and he MIGHT be 5'7". My hands are bigger than his. My shoulders are wider than his. And while I could stand to lose a good 15-20 pounds, I'm fairly average sized for a girl. A little on the tall side, but that's something I'm okay with now. But I could snap Jack in two. He's got the frame of a 15 year old boy. I'm not exaggerating.

I can't imagine it. When I do, it's not pretty. The...erm...intimate stuff, I mean. I don't know if he was sickly as a child, or just didn't grow alot, or what. I'm not going to ask.

Everytime I think of it, I think of Sassy and Rusty* ( sorry Sass- I promise it's flattering!). Sassy's about 5'4". Rusty is maybe 5'5". But Rusty is very muscular and at least 1/2 a size bigger than her in sheer volume and strength. He's bigger than ME, and I've got a good 4 inches on the guy in shoes. Granted he works out, but he's NOT this towering inferno of a guy that would intimidate the shit out of you out of mere size ( although it would probably happen from his attitude and strength.). Still, he's masculine and has the body of an adult male. You would never look at him, even at 5'5" and say, "No, he's too short/scrawny/adolescent." You look at him and say, "Hey, he's a good looking man. " Emphasis on MAN.

*side note: NO, I do not have a crush on Rusty. Not my type. But he is useful as an archetype for my illustration, here, which I hope he will forgive and take as a compliment. :)

In Jack's case, even though he's got a good two inches on Rusty, I look at him and think, "If you didn't have that cute facial hair, I'd think you'd skipped puberty." Not kidding.

So. I'm terrible and shallow and awful, and everyone can think what they want, but let's face it: you want someone you can talk to and feel safe with and enjoy their company, and that you can see yourself with in bed , that you WANT to take to bed. It's that simple.

The two just are so diametrically opposed in my life right now, it's comical.

But not really.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Call me Sydney Bristow: case solved.

The culprit was indeed Rattlesnake. I was right. Its classic Rsnake: secretive, sly and more amusing to himself than others, even if there's a slight ( and questionable) altruistic streak running through it . He said he was sorry it was upsetting, but he meant well, and wasn't it kind of funny? Kind of. I kind of see how he meant well and I kind of see how it was funny. All's well that ends well, right?

Well, no.

See, I'm 39 years old, and I don't have the patience, emotional fortitude or time for this kind of stuff. Primarily since I joined a specific site after being involved in two others and shopping around for the RIGHT place for me. I joined it because I thought the chances of my finding a certain kind of man might be higher. ( And I was right). I didn't join the site he was using to pick up men for me, because it is notoriously full of skanks and weirdos. And always surprising and unfortunately unbeknownst to those who don't live here, in LA, you can count on that ratio tripling, I'm here to report.

Plus, if anyone has been paying attention, I've been through enough ENOUGH ENOUGH internet drama over the past year and a half to last a lifetime. And I've been through more pain and relationship drama than I care to review. I'm skittish about dating, and understandably so. I'm just sort of getting my feet under me, and I need to be able to do it at my rate and with my own intuition going in. This isn't "Must Love Dogs" , with John Cusack showing up Deux Ex Machina style in the middle of a crappy predicatable plotline to save a single gal whose meddling-but-well-meaning sister creates an online profile for her. This is real life, with real people, really real situations and feelings. Given that Reality Factor always exists on the flip side of these kinds of fantasy daydreams or misty-eyed, semi-intoxicated notions conjured up over too many Amaretto Sours, the whole idea, let alone putting it into action, was out of line. It couldn't have been more unethical, foolish, caddish in it's skullduggery, or just plain stupid.

But enough. Enough about it for now. More important things loom on my dating horizon beyond solving meddling capers:

I had a DATE last night and I've got another one TOMORROW night.

Date with Boy #1 ( We'll call him Jack) was lovely. (This was actually our SECOND date.I made it to a second date. Alert the media). We went to Griffith Observatory, which has been restored and is very cool. Kinda romantic. He's very sweet, a therapist for a rehab, and quite funny and bright. We discussed my Dating Boundaries right up front since I am dating around, and so is he. We're on the same page- no one is in a rush to go to bed untill a relationship is going to begin. He's very polite and he walked me to my door, and while I didn't expect much in the kissing department, since he's rather quiet and shy, I was pleasantly surprised. Apparently quiet and shy dont neccessarily equal timid and reticient. Nice.

Date tomorrow with Boy #2 is The Boy Rattlesnake Picked (whom we'll call BB). We're meeting for dinner at PF Changs, and he insists on paying old school style, insists on dressing up, insists on being a gentleman. ( Re: NO "Come with me to the Casbah" bullshit flirting, no sex on the first date--or anytime before I'm not the Only Girl In The Picture) , no anything inappropriate. Fun, conversation and flirting and banter and a nice time. We've been talking for about two weeks now. He's quite a handful- a Gemini (::eye roll:: sorry, all my Twin friends, I love you, but y'all can make a girl want to tear her hair out with the squirelly things you sometimes do), and **zip **zip **zip** all over the place-- he's an animator, how ironic.
And when he gets nervous he starts going off into looooooong diatribes concerning His Opinions On Everything, Some of Which He Needs to Refine Better Before He Opens His Mouth. This has a propensity to bring conversations to a screeching halt while everyone in a 5 mile radius is freezing from the Cold Abstract Theories he's spining and dropping their jaws to the Unbelievably Un-PC Bullshit he's spewing. Meanwhile, I try to control myself from unleashing My Strong Opinions and Putting Him In His Place, in the Heel to Throat Style I'm so partial to at times like that.
But he knows it's an issue , and sincerely tries to stop it before it begins. Since I've gotten to know him, I know he has a good heart, but an adolescent kneejerk defense system, so I try to laugh at some of the things I know he's trying to throw out as provocative or just plain silly. We seem to have worked out a decent system so far.
He's also aware of the dating sitch, he's seeing other people too, and on the same page it's all been hammered out over the last two weeks ad naseum. I do appreciate his honesty and candor, though...). Oh, and hello: this one is smoking HOT.

(Devil's Advocate Note: I suppose I could say "At least Rsnake picked well" : he would know, having been my Best Gay Boyfriend during college and seeing very clearly what I was looking for, having paid attention and heard about it from very close range, over and over.

Still, he also got LUCKY: first, we haven't been close in years (-- largely because I'd seen him pull this kind of shit on others and didn't want to be the next target. I loved him dearly, and I suspect the feeling was mutual, but I stopped trusting him and that's a massive blow to any friendship....). What he knows about my needs at this point might be needing a radical update. Not to mention, I speak to him about once a year and now he wants to help?? WTF??

Second, his unbelievable arrogance in taking on something so private and personal as my- or anyone's, for that matter-- dating life for his own pet project without my consent could have put me at risk to have met a real psycho, regardless of his best intentions. About which I remain suspicious, anyway, as it plays out as a really crude and thoughtless joke at my expense. He doesn't seem to get it: his comment was "If you two end up getting married, I want a really big present." Uh, yeah, right. I'll be getting back to you on that one.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

But finally this online dating has an upside, weird interjected asides aside: at least I'm having fun and getting some much-needed male attention from some pretty nice, attractive guys. As long as they don't have a freezer full of body parts in their storage units, it's still nice for my self esteem even if it doesn't go anywhere. Maybe this is what my therapist meant by "having fun" on dates. Then again, my therapist has been married for like 10 years, so she could be thinking it was fun just for vicarious reasons. Of which I keep reminding her in our sessions.

Let's just pray it stays fun and relatively drama free, that love and vitality keep pouring in positively regardless of outcomes, and that in the end, good things come to those who wait for the right man. Okay? Amen to that.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

And more becomes revealed on this ultra-strange twist on my dating life- as if I needed any more weirdness.

BB sent me the thread of conversations with this Person Posing As Me on craigslist today. ( I tried to make them more readable,but you know how this thing goes):

"B B" (his email here) wrote:
Hello Peaches and Cream ( tag line opener/contact site from craigslist- I have the link- it's dead),
Here are my pictures- one is of me, the other one is a drawing to show you my artistic side. I'm 37, a character animator, 6'0", animal lover, funny, real, passionate, childlike (in a good way). I liked your ad because you sound direct, sexy, and honest~
--B B

"Wiccan Love" <Wiccan Love email link> wrote:
hey there,
Sorry for the impersonal first email, there were too many responses at once. But, I had a chance to check out your pics, you're cute. ;-)
How long have you lived in LA? did you check out my profile/pics yet? i think my personality comes through more when you can read it.
I'm probably going to have to delete this email soon because of spam and crazy dudes, so hit me back on the salon site until I can create a new email......

"B B "<his email> wrote:
Hey there Wiccan,
Are you real or an Internet robot? If you are, tell me what your favorite movie is~ (sorry, it's a crazy world out there)

"Wiccan Love" <email link> wrote:
oh hey, no problem, it's understandable. My favorite movie is probably (Title of Film Here)- it's gorgeous!
i just prefer to go through that site (Salon) because it's more secure and it's too scary to use a real email with guys I don't know. There are some real wackos on there.
check out my profile and hit me up if you want.
(the direct link to my Salon profile listed here )
hope to hear from you...

--- "BB" <his email> wrote:
(Director of Film), okay, so you have some good tastes~ I'm a Fellini man myself.. I'm sending you an email here because Salon is charging money for me to reply to your ad (I signed up but they still want some $$). Not that you aren't worth it. I promise I won't stalk ya, Wiccan Love.
I want to tell you a little bit about myself, this isn't a pre-typed cut and paste job, this is me typing virtually live..I'm 37, I'm childlike and passionate. Vegan..6'0", 190 lbs, I get women's attention but I'm not a cheat, a heartbreaker, or a jerk. If you asked people the dominant impression I give them would be passionate, real, compassionate, great listener, a bit of a mad scientist type.
I'd like to say that if you like nice, talented men who care about what you say, that's me. I'm a guy who is vulnerable, takes risks, says what he feels! If you like alpha male types who are high on power and materialism and don't give a damn about being fair or real, that's not me. I think nice can be sexy, deviant, playful, exciting~
Why am I online? Am I an internet troll who needs cyberspace to hook up? The real reason is I don't want to fool around with women who drape their arms around me at dance clubs! I read your entire profile and what I like about what I read about you is you talk a lot about the grays between the black and white, you're spiritual, pragmatic, you like one on one conversation, you come across as sexy and I also like the fact you're an artist. What art do you do?
Last blurb: I'm just looking for a woman who wants to dress up in a nice skirt, do up her hair, and have a wonderful conversation about life with me over some red wine. I'll bring the broad shoulders, the white dress shirt and black coat. You know that feeling you get when you drink a little red wine, you're on that first date, and you catch a glimpse of that person, some look in their eye, the way they smile or the way they move or the way their body looks, that makes you want to make out near a roaring fire? That's what I'm looking for~
Oh, the pic of you looking up (3rd down) is really nice~

On 2/26/08, Wiccan Love <email here> wrote:
Hi again!
You sound pretty darn cool. (and it doesn't hurt you're way cute).
Thanks for the compliment on the picture, btw. It's my "intense artist" pic. I'm into performance art mainly, I've done video display art as well.
I really want to chat more, but I must be off to bed. I have to get up early. Let's definitely chat more......
looking forward to that fire!!!

Jesus H. on A Broomstick. What the effing eff? That's so not me.....I don't talk like that.

Later on, I was writing my friend Blue about this, and this is my take on it:


I didn't actually THINK it was you, honey, so please dont take offense. I was also meaning to send it to the smartest gals I know to get some outside insight. I hardly think anyone one my chat board or who is my real friend has 5 mintues to even ponder the notion of what it would take to pull something like this off.

BB ( the guy) did send me series of conversations today, and the link vis-a-vis craiglist has been removed. ( It was on Feb 25, which is a totally weird date, the day after the Oscars. ) The conversations don't sound like me at ALL ( "hit me up"? PLEASE ::eye roll), but they're relatively benign, I might add, and what's comforting is that BB was acting like a total gentleman the whole time.

. What's weird is this several things:

1.) they listed "Film" as one of my favortie movies, which I don't think Sassy even knows. It's a foreign film and while it IS one of my favorite movies, I don't tend to discuss it in wide circles, because, well, what are the chances most people are going to know what the hell I'm referring to? So it's gotta be someone who knows that and who is familiar enough with those film circles that I would even open that topic..

2.) They keep talking about the kind of performance art I used to do. And so on. I don't think many people who are in my life NOW would really know that either, as again, it's not something I discuss alot, because I've shifted my focus primarily. This is stuff I used to do in art school. It comes up when people on the site ask. Or if you knew me THEN.

3.) They signed it "J", which is a completely ME thing, but only in the last few years.

All of that narrows it down to a few choice candidates, namely, either men I've talked to on Salon. com before, about film and my work, which comes up alot, and/or someone who Knew Me When. But as BB pointed out, "Why would some guy you rebuffed on want you to meet other men??" Excellent point, but a little short sighted, as I answered, "Maybe they thought Id meet skanky men." His response, "But they were being nice and tasteful. Not like that, really." He has a point.

The more this shows itself with some details, the only person I can think of that would be THAT nefarious is my friend ( sort of) Rattlesnakle, from when I was in STL. I knew him at My Alma Mater and we were totally tight. Like best gay/hag type tight. He was in film school, and he of course knew I loved this movie "Film". In fact, right before I left there I took a class on Director, the director of this film. ( With R, my friend who taught the class. No way he'd do it....he's got 3 kids, a job, a life, etc...) I heard from Rattlesnake recently and he said he'd been reading my blog, and sounded like I'd been having men trouble, etc.etc. He was quite sweet about it, but Rsnake.....Rsnake is quite the little prankster. In the not-so-funny way. And we haven't been tight for a LONG time. Like I hadn't heard from him for years before that recent email. We kind of fell out about a bunch of crap that doesn't really matter now, and we're civil and on good terms, but I KNOW him, and this is something he would do , TOTALLY because he was bored.

Anyway, I asked him, and he didn't say no, he just said, "how weird....can I use it for a screenplay? Ha ha!" I laughed it off right back, was sweet, but closed with, "Rsnake, if you did this, don't EVER do it again and think I won't know." So. It totally reeks of him, and WHY he thought this was a good plan, I have no clue.

And I have no proof, you know? But I will be contacting security and letting them know this happened. Lucky for me, BB's a stand up guy ( and HOT)- totally fucking annoying, but a real good man, so I didn't run into any dillholes. I guess I'm just still kinda shocked that it happened. That's my life for you...I don't even COURT weirdness, it just comes to me. ::Eye roll::


And then I just went ahead and emailed this Wiccan Love email link myself. Just to let 'em know where I stand. Hell, don't think I won't do it. I sure as shit will and they will sure as shit be sorry. I know lawyers as friends who would make the hair on the back of your neck stand up,you know? And identity theft and breach of contract is a crime; even if all the worse could happen is a slap on the wrist and a fine. No skin off my nose if that's all it ends up being, because you know what? A lesson is a lesson: don't fuck with me. I won't let you get away with it. Not anymore.


To: Wiccan Love

Who the hell are you and what are you doing posting my ad on I don't know who you are or what the hell you think you're doing, but I'm going to be honest: that's a serious breach of ethics and I never gave anyone permission to do it, as salon is PRIVATE and that's why you pay for it. Do it again, and I catch you, and I'll drag your sorry ass into court for harrassment.



I need to call an astrologer. I am clearly attracting fuckin' crazy assed people into my sphere of interaction with no particular effort on my part. Lots of people sign up for internet dating and don't end up like this. Right? SO what the hell? It must be a planetary thing. Hey, it makes as much sense as anything else.

*Sigh*. Tiring. The more life goes on, the more I think I ought to give in to friend's exhortations to write a book. I thought it was pretty narcissistic, but at this point, it's practically Lifetime sit-com material.

Monday, March 03, 2008

A Public Notice:

Okay, which one of you.....
...could possibly responsible for the nefarious act of linking MY personals ad to an email account via craiglist?!?!? I was just informed this evening by a man I've been talking to that he found an ad on craigslist advertising "Wiccan Love" under the name "peachesandcream" and giving stats that only a very select few would know. VERY select few- like the name of one of my favorite films, which wouldn't be anything anyone could easily just guess.

They corresponded with this person breifly, who was talking in a manner I would NEVER speak about myself, saying I was "good in bed" that I had had "hundreds of responses" and to "hit me up" over at Salon. When he clicked on the link he was given in this private email, he got MY profile, and started talking to me. I had no idea this guy had come to my profile this way- he's a member, he's quite polite, and it just so happened that I had winked at him the day before, so it wasn't totally weird that he wrote me and started up with me like he knew me.
We've been talking now for two weeks and today he mentioned this little wrinkle, at which I was, unsurprisngly, SHOCKED to discover.

If I've emailed this to you, its because you're the only people who were a.) given access to my account for some reason via my password, or b.) knew about and it figured out the way to access member pages from outside of the system or c.) saw it from me showing it to you on your computer. Luckily, this guy said, "It seemed like they were doing you a favor- they were very nice and trying to get my attention for you" . And luckily, this guy is a gentleman with a heart of gold and not some scumbag looking to get laid.

I'm not accusing anyone, but let it be known that if you did it, and you thought it was funny, or helpful or anything else, I'd advise you to take this under advisement: Come forward now and apologize and we'll have a chat about it and we'll see if our friendship can be mended. Do it again, and we're done. It's not friendly, it's not a joke, and I take it as a serious breach of trust. Got that? Good.

Have a nice day.


More fodder for the "It's All True, Only the Names Have Changed" blog that is my life that is my blog, et al:

The only way I know it's someone who knows me is because of the film that was mentioned. It's just not your run-of-the-mill movie; it's fairly obscure to those who don't know anything about foreign film. ( If you do, then it isn't, but you'd have to know ME pretty well to know this factoid. You just WOULD. I don't talk about this interest in this particular filmmaker alot, as while he's one of my favorites, he's not someone I've ever been particularly fixated on.). In fact, I would hedge bets that my two very best friends in the world, Sassy and DR, have never heard me mention this film in their presence.

And frankly, I don't know too many people on the list of people I sent this email to that WOULD have. Only two come to mind. ONE of them I went to college with and he's just the type of rattlesnake who would think this was amusing and/or helpful. The other one is also a member, whom I turned down after one date. I was quite polite about it, and I wouldn't have ever taken him for this kind of man, but who knows? ( NO, it's not Naughty Pants. He's too busy ignoring me or whatever he's doing now to care.) .

I'm shocked and embarassed. And a little mad. Because who knows what kind of jackasses could have been trying to email me? I was lucky I got BB, who is quite nice an friendly and a sweetheart. He wouldn't be the kind of guy who would send me pictures of his penis on a Saturday night, unlike most guys over at craigslist, who would. Frankly, I really am not interested in that sort of guy, so THAT'S why I didn't post there! BB is a spaz and was just looking and saw that. Although I have to question his taste in women if he responded to the ad.....and now I'll wonder.... what a charming side effect to have on a what was a really straightforward, pleasant thing!

Ugh. I just did NOT want to deal with this kind of bullshit anymore, so that's why I'm always polite to people I meet online, that's why I always try to be honest and friendly to them even if I'm not going to date them, and that's why NOBODY but people I truly trust have access to anything unless I expressly say they can have it, and ONLY for a limited period of time!

But after this? EVERYBODY outta the pool. All my passwords are getting changed to stuff nobody would even THINK of, and I don't show people websites on their computer, and I don't mention this film anymore. Officially: my favorite film has changed to something no one I ever went to school with or slept with in the past or even dated once could even guess. I've got plenty of 'em, so it'd be hard to choose the one I'm using, and it won't compromise me at all to switch the answer if someone asks. I know , that's hard to believe, but it's true...

Such bullshit. I can't BELIEVE this happened. I cannot BE-leive it. Ugh.