Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

SO: after a week or so of spotty emails from Mr. Naughty ( I think I'm just going to call him N), he finally asked me to meet him for coffee last night. He called, we chatted, had some funny banter going over the phone just shooting the shit, and made some plans. I wasn't sure how it was going to all go, since you Just Never Know, meeting someone online. I've had some fairly obnoxious experiences with that: people don't look like their profile pics, they're incredibly boring, smell bad, whatever. You really just don't know untill you MEET them in person if there's going to be chemistry. That's sort of the downfall in these things.

That said, I did indeed meet with him for coffee and we talked for 3 hours straight! He's not as tall as I thought he'd be, but he is quite adorable and very, very smart, and very, very sweet. He was a total gentleman, picked up the check, very polite and appropriate, not expecting anything because of our conversations before, but not completely pretending they never existed, either ( one or two references were made to "obscene emails" by him. I corrected him: "they were more provocative". Still, that was about it.). We spent most of last night talking about everything --BUT sex, I might add-- politics, feminism-- he's a big feminist--intuiton, LA, our cats --he has two--goofy stories, work, etc. We agreed on a great bulk of it and had a great deal of things in common. We hit it off smashingly.

I didn't think he was interested, really at first-- though I did notice he had a hard time at first keeping his eyes on mine and not on my cleavage. That's okay, though- I have awesome cleavage, and I was wearing a shirt that was tasteful and pretty but was kinda low cut -- he laughed and engaged with me, but he didn't flirt much. (I of course flirt anyway, so...well...) I got the idea that he liked me, but not neccessarily that he was all attracted to me. Then he walked me to me car and gave me a pretty sexy kiss which was totally, totally unexpected.

In retrospect, I DID recall a glint in his eye toward the end of the date. There was a look there for an instant, and then it passed....then the people at the next table had given us a part of a slice of cake ( I had seen them with it and it was quite gigantic. I asked them in passing if it was red velvet, and they said, yes, and I said "I may have to get some, that's one of my favorites." They said, "oh, god, take some! This piece is too big!" And then they lopped off this section of it and just handed it over.). I asked him if he wanted some. He declined, and I was sort of trying to jokingly seduce him into taking a bite: "Oh, are you sure?'s reallllllly good. Oh, last chance, N...." He said, "I can't. I'm trying to be good. I had a donut for breakfast. " I said, " OH MY GOD! This date is OVER!!!" We laughed and I leaned in conspiratorily and said, " "You know, I've heard California, you could be run out of town for that sort of thing." He leaned in really close to me and then we burst out laughing again. ( This had been this running joke through the date . I admitted early on that I didn't like sushi and had never been to Disneyland. I said, "Which officially means I shouldn't be allowed to live here. " He said, "I've heard they've got spies for that kind of thing. You don't know who they are, it could be anyone, and you think you're safe. And then the authorities come and drop you off at the city limits. ")
Then I caught him watching me twirl excess frosting around the plate with that glint in his eye again. I didn't give it any merit at the time because he had been so chaste prior to it. Shows you what I know.

After the kiss was over, I said, "How long did you have that in mind? " He answered, "Oh, for awhile now." I said, " Really? I wouldn't have guessed. " He said, "Really?" I said, "No! You were talking to me and leaning back in your chair and I thought, 'oh, he's not interested.' He's just sitting here being nice, and listening to my stupid stories.' You were playing it so cool. Was that a ploy? " He was like, "No! if I wasn't interested I would have been there for about 2 minutes and said, 'Well, I've gotta run.' I'm not good at playing phony. " I just shook my head and said, "You're totally inscrutable." He laughed and said, "Nobody has ever called me that before!" I paused and said," Well, let me do a totally Jessica thing, then. You know how I am about all cards being on the table: are you going to call me? " He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Of course I am. " And then he kissed me again and said goodnight.

So I haven't heard from him today. No call, no email. I realize that perhaps I'm being hasty, and so forth, but this is the guy who said he was more like a person who sees what he likes and then acts on it. Then again, all my correspondance speaks to him being the kind of person who also takes dating one step at a time in terms of commitment or jumping into anything with both feet.

And I need to stop thinking about ALL of it, because I'm going to drive myself crazy.

I'm not very good at this. I just staved off a panic attack. ( More on that in a minute).

I guess I feel that since we've been emailing back and forth for two weeks talking about sex and all of our little peculiarities.... mostly theorhetically, but a little healthy flirting, too.
It seems to me now that he MUST be interested, knowing that I'm okay with his sexual proclivities ( something we sort of sorted out in subsequent emails after the "happy coincidence" email), hitting it off like we did, and then kissing me like that. SO WHERE IS HE???

I guess the way I see it, there's a strong connection there that's already been being built all along. It's not strong enough that he needs to call me TODAY, it would have been lovely, but I can cool down about that. However, an email would have been great. I think, given the context, he should definitely call me tomorrow, and if he doesn't, I'm going to be upset.

Meantime, my anxiety is bubbling up like crazy. A long time ago I had a stupid boyfriend named Danny. Danny was all of 22 and I was 31....and he was an idiot. Why was he an idiot? He was an idiot because he and I would fool around-- not having intercourse, per se, but definitely being all hot and heavy-- and then he wouldn't call me for days. He'd get distracted with school and film ( he was an aspriring filmmaker, and a damned fine writer, too) and toss it all off to "We're just dating" and never make time to see me or even call. Granted, he was only 22, had only ever had one serious girlfriend before, and was kind of immature. I expected alot out of him --way more than he was capable of, in retrospect-- and I just got really pissed at him one night. He totally did NOT get it. Not surprisingly. Duh.

Anyway, it was awful, because it tripped all my wires about the relationship I had when I was 17 and I was having sex with this guy who eventually sexually assaulted me....he used to say that "it wasn't any big deal" and that there must be something wrong with me if I attached feelings to sex. He was a sociopath and a user, and I've had trouble with dating ever since. I mean, having that happen to you at 17 pretty much stops things in their tracks. Plus, he was filling my head with so much bullshit and I didn't know any better, or didn't trust myself enough to believe in my own opinions on things, so I was pretty fucked up for a long time. And so when Danny didn't act right out of his own youth and inexperience, I had a meltdown. And that lasted for months til I finally had to go to the hospital and that's when I got on meds.


So, you can see why it's hard for me, and why I struggle with being casual. My mind knows that it's okay, and it's going to be okay, and that I'm an ADULT now, and dating as an adult is a leeeeetle more negotiable than dating as a 17 year old, or even dating at 22. And that people have all kinds of different paces and expectations and misunderstandings happen and work obligations and other dates with other people and so on and so forth.
So I try, I try VERY HARD to remind myself to RELAX. Just relax, because not everyone is That Bastard, or Anthony, or even stupid Danny. But I guess I have been so disappointed in men an hurt by them, it's hard for me to just say, "Let it go, Jessie, it's going to be okay, " and give someone the benefit of the doubt Of Not Being an Asshole.

Does that make sense?

I really don't think this guy is an asshole, but I do think he might be playing it cool, and I suppose that's understandable. Still, I gotta say that I'm not comfortable with that here. I have to work very hard to play it as cool as I have been, and I don't need things to be any cooler or I'm going to start getting confused. And that scares me, because when I get confused about this stuff, I panic, and I worry that I'm going to have a meltdown again.

Does THAT make sense?

It all comes down to my not having a good frame of reference for things. I can only trust my instincts and believe that I'm not tremendously broken, and hope for the best. And try to get advice and input from other people who DO have a better frame of reference for things and more experience.

God, I wish I had to work tomorrow so I didn't have to sit around and BE with this shit all day.

Just breathe, Jessica. Just breathe. It will all be all cool.