Not In Kansas Anymore...

Click your heels, and see if home is where you hang your hat, or somewhere else inside yourself as this simple, postmodern girl takes on L.A.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

You know, I really think I'm freaking out about stuff inside my head more than what he's doing. I know I'm being overanxious, ....I suppose I'm worried that he's going to like someone better., since I know he is still dating around right now (as well he should). And while that would be too bad, but it wouldn't be a tragedy, would it? No. I really like him but alas. It's life.

I'm just so wacked out about this birthday thing- I'm in a not-great place about turning 39 ( I know, I know, what's the big deal? - but I really feel like I'm running out of time, here) and so I'm tripping. I'm feeling desperate, so I'm acting desperate, which isn't about HIM at all. (Thank God he hasn't seen any of it! )
My Aunt Reese, the font of All Girl Wisdom ( despite having 3 sons) says: "Always be a lady, dont turn into some big rejection monster. You are part "___ ", ( my mom's family name, and thusly hers as well), and We do not want someone who does not want us. We may hope they get their senses back and realize their stupid mistake. Sometimes we take them back, and sometimes, we do not. But get a grip! Have some dignity! You're not dog meat! Have some self-esteem!!" Don't worry, Aunt Reese, I was a lady, and I will be a lady. Have never NOT been a lady, and I agree: you don't want somene who doesn't want you. His loss if he decides he likes someone better, and the less tears shed over it, the better, too.

My plan is to do exactly what all my friends advise: if I haven't heard from him again by Fri, I'll call and ask if he wants to go to a movie or something this weekend. If he doesn't have time and doesn't come up with a time to reschedule, I'll leave him alone. And move on with my life.

Mostly, I just need to try and relax ( the other sage bit of advice being hurled at me from all directions). I will. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. That should help me unclench and get to the bottom of all of what ails me..... but I think I already have an inkling:

One might suspect that I want help paying the bills (Aunt Reese, there you misunderstood me). It's not that at all. It's that I don't want to do this- walk through life-- all by myself anymore, emotionally. It's much easier with a buddy system. I like my alone time- it's very important to me-- but too much of it, and it's lonely. It's too lonely, not just, "Gee, I really wish someone would be home so we could hang". More like, "I think I may go crazy if I have to climb into this bed alone one more fucking night." And I really hate that feeling.

It's been suggested that if I were more happy with my life without a man, I wouldn't mind this. I concede that that may be part of the picture, as granted, I've been happier with my life, it's true. If I were better occupied with more creativity and working toward more goals and dreams that mean something to me besides paying off debt, I'd likely feel more satisfied overall and less "needy" in the sense of needing some other area in my life to put the balance back into it, bring SOME joy when I walk in the door at night. But even when I was so busy with school and all the great stuff I was doing then and happy with my career and such, I was lonely then, too. I worked like a dog and got two degrees because I wanted to, but you know what? I was compensating for not having alot going on in other, more realtionship-oriented areas, too.

The truth is, that stuff -- your career, your creative life-- is only part of the picture. I'd like to have the other part of the picture, too. Still. I suppose its all worth looking at, since I'm not particularly feeling thrilled about either at this time.

Maybe I need to give my shrink a raise and send all my girlfriends -- and my aunt--chocolate this Valentine's Day, because they really keep me grounded when I'm beginning to lift off into Not Calm or Reasonable territory, usually in a compassionate way and keep me from acting like a shrill indignant childish harpy when I really want that way, I admit I have been blessed with good love already.